Thoughts are not meant to be taken seriously. I know that sounds completely ludicrous, but most of our thoughts are just that, they are just a thought. It does not make them true, it does not make them real, it does not make them our reality, and it does not mean that’s really how we feel. Just look at the ridiculous, funny thoughts that we might have from time to time. Let’s say we are having a bad day at work and wish we could grow wings, fly home, and be in our bed almost immediately, blocking out all responsibilities. Does having that thought mean that it is a real possibility? Could we really grow wings and fly home instantly and go to bed? We cannot. That is because it is a thought. It is a figment of our imagination. It is something that we have put together in our head to imagine the wonderful ways we could do different things in life if the possibilities were limitless. Sometimes our thoughts are even scary. Let’s say we get cut off in traffic and we are already having a horrible day. We may think about ramming into the other car repeatedly to teach them a lesson. That is a horrible thought, and we would not do it. Sometimes, however, thoughts seem so realistic and so normal that we do not realize that they are just thoughts. They’re ludicrous and ridiculous, but we take them a little bit more seriously than we should.
You might be asking yourself “what does this have to do with my marriage?” It has a lot to do with your marriage. So often, I hear people say things along the lines of “I think I married the wrong person”, “I think I grew out of my marriage”, “I do not think they're right for me”, “maybe I got married too soon”, “what if I could have a better marriage with someone else”, or “what would it be like to be with someone who is ___?”
These are normal thoughts. We all have them here and there throughout our marriage, and even your spouse has them. Sometimes, they happen more often during certain seasons of our marriage. Sometimes they are more impactful, and it feels like your feelings are changing. Perhaps we really think and feel that way. There will not come a time in your marriage that you will not have these thoughts and wonders. Everyone, no matter how amazing or challenging their marriage is, has these thoughts. That couple you saw at dinner the other night that seemed so in love, happy, and perfect? They have had those thoughts. The couple who is experiencing major betrayal trauma, as obvious as it is, has had these thoughts.
As normal as it is to have these thoughts, we are not aware of how normal they are. Sometimes we are appalled at ourselves for having them, and sometimes we play them out in our head, giving them way too much attention and taking them way too seriously. While they are normal and everyone has them, that does not mean that it is healthy to allow them to truly impact your marriage and life. They are moments of wonder, of not wanting to face challenges or feeling a little lost in your marriage. When these thoughts start to become more and more common, when you start to seriously think about them, this is a warning sign, but it is not a sign that something is wrong with your marriage. It is a sign that there is something inside you that needs to be worked on. Your spouse can not fix it. For that matter, no one else can fix it, not even having a different spouse or different marriage. The moment you give into this, you have set yourself up for a cycle of having one failed relationship after another. You have taken this thought way too seriously, and now, every time you have it with the person you are with, which you will with every single person at one point or another, you now take this as your que to act on that thought. You will find yourself wondering “why can’t I find a happy marriage or relationship” or “why do I keep getting caught up in the wrong person?” It’s not the relationship, and it’s not the people, its you. You take yourself way too seriously and those silly, normal, ridiculous, human thoughts are controlling your life. The real que is that you need to work on you.
I am not disputing that marriages have challenges, and I am not disputing that there are times that it is not us and a majority of it may be your spouse, trust me I have been there. I have been in the place where I am doing all I can that is “right” given my human flaws and errors, and my spouse is making some unhealthy, bad, and hurtful choices. The pushback in situations like this is, what else am I supposed to do? How can I change me if the problem is mostly them? How can I not take these thoughts seriously in those moments?
The answer is this: every marriage goes through seasons that are good and some that are not so good, even the couples you see that seem like they have everything together and are so in love. They have or will at some point in their marriage, if not many points, their true love, devotion, and values put to the ultimate test. The things that are hard to get through, the struggles, the heartbreak, and the challenges are there for a reason. They grow you, they grow your spouse, and they make you both better people so that you will, in turn, have a better marriage. Nothing in life is easy, not one thing! Why would the most important lifelong accomplishment ever be? It is meant to test you, to grow you, and to force you to be a better person. Sometimes that means working on yourself and waiting for your spouse to learn the lessons they need to learn, so they can grow in the way they need to grow without you trying to change them. You cannot control them, you cannot change them, and they are going through what they are going through because there is a lesson they need to learn. Trust in the process, focus on you, and do not take your thoughts too seriously.
You cannot fix a marriage. You cannot fix your spouse. Your marriage is the sum of two people. If you want a better marriage, the two people in it must make themselves better to make the marriage better. Fix yourself first and be Confident that your partner will do the same!
Want more? Listen to the episode “What Was I Thinking: Are These Thoughts Normal?”