Episode 23: Being Intentional In Your Marriage. What Does That Even Mean?

Not feeling the love in your marriage or relationship? Not feeling respected at home? Feeling like life has become a little mundane? Feeling the cold numbness of complacency setting in? Feel like your personal growth has stalled? Maybe it’s time to get intentional.  Often used, but not often explained, the concept of intentionality is BIG in relationships and marriages, as well as your personal and home life. In this week’s episode of The Confident Marriage, Jessica and Sean explain what being intentional means and how to apply this concept to loving your partner, your home life, and in your self-work and personal growth. It really is a way of life.

When you can be intentional in your life, you will see improvements everywhere. Your husband, wife, or partner will be happier. The level of honesty in your relationship will increase. You will enjoy better communication. Your emotional intimacy will improve. You’ll have better sex! Your connection with your partner will be deeper and you will be a respected leader in the home. Intentionality is right under honesty in the foundation of your marriage or relationship. Find out why your way of life needs to be an intentional way of life, this week on The Confident Marriage!

Episode Transcript

Welcome. I want to thank all our listeners for taking the time to subscribe and rate the podcast.

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And it also lets other people find us easier because that's how podcasts get around is by those ratings. And just, if it's the first time you're listening to the show, you're. You can go ahead and listen to the whole show before you read us. Don't go rate us right now. We haven't heard it before, unless you want to leave us a really good rating.

If you're going to leave us a really good rating, maybe it's better to do it before you listened to the show. Pretty good show. Let's talk about how they can find us. Well, the best way to find us is to visit our website and that's www.theconfidentmarriage.com. So we have everything that is the confident marriage on that website.

We have all our podcasts, every single episode, we have our marriage resources page. We have [00:03:00] our blogs. I like to call it. I think that sounds more official. Yeah. So his article image is an owl with glasses and he thinks that the there's no glasses. No, we were moved to the glass today. There never was glasses.

I was just, is your whole thing about the dream? The glasses make the owl look smart. Well, so an Al's aren't really that smart. The owl adds credibility to the blog. He's a wise owl. People see, how will they think wisdom, words of wisdom. Now, if the owl did have glasses, would he look smarter? Yeah. And would that give it a little more credibility?

Oh yeah. So are you saying your stuff is shit and you need credibility? I don't, I don't like where this is going, ladies and gentlemen, please join us next week on. I love you, honey. So anyway, go onto our website, check out my owl. You can email us at Jessica at the [00:04:00] confident marriage and tell us if we think the LL needs glasses.

We do have our blogs. We have all of our resources. We have our links to all our social media accounts. Well, just in case you're wondering, and you just kind of want to minimize the window while you go on us. On social media. We're on Facebook at the confident marriage, Twitter, the seat marriage show and Instagram app company.

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Goodness. While you're listening to the show, you can have, uh, our website open in one window and you can start going through our social media and rate every episode while you're listening. I'm just kidding. No, it's it's just the podcast, right? Not the whole [00:05:00] every episode silly. Oh yeah. So just start the podcast.

Okay. But enough about all that, I was just going to say the same thing. So cute. We're on the same page. I don't know what book that page is in, but we're on the same one. I don't know. I don't know. It probably doesn't even exist. Anyways. So you guys are in for a treat for this one. And the reason being mainly is because Sean and I usually record during the day and we decided to switch it up and do it at night after our son is in bed.

So we're a little bit more, yeah, the normal, Oh, I am looped up. Yeah. So the only thing I'm on right now is cheeseburgers and chicken sandwiches. He had to do a late night run. I need some cheeseburgers. Yeah. So I'm 42 years old, but I still try to eat as if those numbers were reversed and I was 24. I don't even think a 24 year old can come put down burgers.

You didn't, you weren't around me much when I was 24, I didn't put down burgers. My goodness. So I can still do the same thing. I just pay for it now a whole lot more [00:06:00] paying for it right now. Okay. All right. Remember that podcast where we cut out gas and this show, right? Oh my God. Yes we can. If you guys only knew the amount of funny stuff we edit out only because we don't want to like offend anybody or get too weird, but we were doing, yeah.

My cat made a guest appearance on an interview recently, so we were doing an interview with one of our special guests, but you guys will hear soon and the cat. Client, you know, gotten to the office somehow and then climbed behind the computer in the middle. We're on a zoom call. Yeah. In the middle of the interview, Sean grabs the cat by the Scruff of the neck to move her.

What happens? Sean? I heard was, and the guy stopped in mid-sentence and looked at me over zoom and went, are you okay?

And then he asked us to keep it in there. He's like, no, no, no, no. You got to keep that. Yeah, I already edited it. We should have [00:07:00] kept it in there, but goodness. So that's a, that's some funny stuff that happens on the other end of this mic at times. Let me intentionally steer us back to the topic though, which is intentionality intentionality.

One of the main things that we preach here at the confident marriage in regards to having a healthy marriage. Well, and we do it subtly. We do I do it intentionally. You are full of pens, something I'm full of something burgers. Yeah. No, but what I mean is like, I think that we talk about intentionality a lot more, but we don't label it that night, right?

Yeah. So intentionality, I believe should be a way of life in everything. And we're going to break it down into a few aspects of your life. That it is incredibly important in, but. Jesse, you know, it's one of our four cornerstones of having a foundation for a healthy and confident marriage. Right? So intentionality, it has different [00:08:00] aspects to it.

There's how you're intentional with your love towards your spouse. There's intentional with how you live your life. And there's intentional about the way that you are at home, the way you are in your home life. Correct. So there's many more aspects to it, but what we like to focus on is those three. So it's the same concept, but broken down into the three parts of your life that are going to be huge.

If you're in any kind of relationship or marriage, first things first, let's talk about what intentionality actually is and what it means, especially in regards to your relationship. So intentionality is a word that is thrown out there on almost every relationship podcast, marriage podcast. Everywhere.

You're hearing people say, be intentional with your marriage. Be intentional with your spouse. Be intentional about this. Be intentional about that. I haven't really heard anybody define what intentionality is and. I mean, it's kind of, self-explanatory like intentional, so you're doing it on purpose. Right.

But just so we're all [00:09:00] clear. Oxford languages defines intentionality as the quality of mental States. For example, thoughts, beliefs, desires, and hopes that consists in there being directed towards some object or state of affairs to boil all that down. It is the act of pursuing a goal. Through steps of conscious, directed actions that lead you towards that goal.

Does that make sense? Do I sound like I'm making sense completely 100% and I think. I think intentionality has become very similar to the word mindful. And I've, I've said it before, where I felt like mindful is really just a word that is thrown out there and used a lot with a basic understanding of what it is without a true understanding.

They're both kind of buzzwords. Yeah, they really are. But there is something behind it when you really understand it and define it and dig deep. And that's what we're gonna, right. Like I said, intentionality should be a way of life for you. And it goes along with [00:10:00] everything. And if you want to be a certain way, it, you can say you're that way, but that doesn't make it.

So, but if you're making those series of choices and actions that lead. Towards being that way. I guess it's kind of the opposite of complacency where you're kind of just taking for granted that things are what they are, and you're not really doing anything about them being mindful or being intentional would be that your consciously pursuing that all the time to make sure that's what you have.

That's what you're getting. And you're not letting it go by the wayside and you're not taking anything for granted. So it speaks to a lot of the concepts that we talk about on the confident marriage, such as. Constant pursuit of improving yourself and self work. And that love is a choice, not a feeling.

And again, saying love as a choice again, that's, that's another word that I don't think. And another phrase that I don't think that anybody's really dug deep into. So we're going to talk about, I feel like we have, we have, yeah, let's dig in again. Absolutely. [00:11:00] I'll dig anywhere with you, but. Let's start at home because home is where the heart is.

Right. And home is a definitely a place you need to be intentional. So when we talk about intentionality at home, what are we referring to? There's a lot of aspects within being intentional at home. Okay. So there's an aspect of being in your home that is unlike anywhere else that you're going to be. Okay.

And so even if you have. Children, especially if you have children at home, you are a role model, right? Whether you're a man or a woman, you are a leader, you are an example. You are the one who has the ability to change the whole dynamic and the whole field and the whole lifestyle that you have at home.

And you can be the one to carry your family. And show your family a different way to be when things are chaotic or difficult, you know, a [00:12:00] lot of people, they want to genderize it. And I don't want to do that because you could be a wife and be a leader and a role model. You can be a husband. And be a leader and a role model.

So this is being aware of your actions. This is being aware of your behaviors, the choices that you make, the words that you use and really being present when you're home, because all too often, what are we doing? We come home from a long day of work, wearing socks. We want to tune out, decompress it on our phone, watch TV.

That's not being present and it's not really doing your family any good. Now there's something to say to making sure you unwind enough, because I think me and you know, what can happen when you come home from work and you haven't had a chance to decompress and you start taking out your stress and your frustration on those around you.

That's something I had real trouble with and still kind of right. Well, and this kind of goes into the balance episode we did, right? Because you don't want to come home. Right. And you don't have much left and over [00:13:00] exert yourself trying to do it all right. And not only that, but that bounce effect he talked about.

So if you're tuning out, it's going to make your partner more likely to tune out and then you're both going to be ignoring each other. And then where's the chance for connection. Right. And so really, you know, it's about when you get home and not overdoing it, not overextending yourself, not feeling like you've got to take on the world and be Superman or superwoman for your family.

This can be as simple as the way that you choose to talk to your spouse or your children. This can be as simple as how do you choose to spend that relaxing time, maybe sitting down and reading a book with your kid or holding your wife's hand and just calmly talking with her about her day and sharing.

You're always with her. There are many ways that you can be intentional at home without feeling like you you're taking on a whole new job when you walk through that door. Right. And I really like what you said about how you don't want to genderize it, because whether you're a man or a woman, it's not really, it [00:14:00] you're a leader in the home, regardless, especially if you have kids, but for those of you who may be listening, that are a family of two who don't have kids.

Realize that you're both role models for each other. Even if you don't know that your spouse is modeling their behavior on you and you're modeling your behavior on them. And you both have expectations that you're wanting to live up to. And if one person starts to it's, it really does bleed down. So if one person starts to Slack off and things, the other one is more likely to Slack off on things.

And that's how unhealthy situations develop. Whereas if one person is carrying their weight plus a little bit, the other, one's more likely to jump in. When, when one is down and pick up that Slack, but right. Well, here's a really straightforward way to kind of get across where I'm going with it while I'm marriage takes two people changing a marriage, especially one that has challenges takes one person to start it, to start it.

Yes. Right? So it's [00:15:00] like getting that snowball going down the Hill. It's a positive snowball this time. It really just starts with you. Because even though you might not see the changes immediately, you will eventually start to see the changes in your spouse and they will start to follow suit. It's human nature.

I mean, whether you're a follower or a leader and you go by the whole definition, really in some shape or form, especially with the people we love we're followers. We always want to go where our spouse is going, whether we realize it or not. And you know, something that was told to me by. Someone we both know when I started in the career, I was in was be a leader and people will follow you.

And it's very true. It is 100%. And that doesn't mean you have to be domineering or controlling to be a leader. In fact, you don't, you shouldn't be those things. That's not how you get people to follow you. You get more bees with honey. All I want is you my busy little bee and your honey. She is my honey.

Katie or mine. [00:16:00] So that's what we mean when we're talking about intentional at home, right? You need to be consciously aware that you're in a position to influence those around you in the home. And you need to be consciously aware that you can influence the whole environment at home, good or bad. And so you need to intentionally.

On purpose, make choices and take actions and make decisions that lead to creating a good environment at home. Imagine the environment that you want, you want to know a fun little marriage fact. Sure. Did you know that marriages who share the housework have more sex in a more satisfying sex life? I'm going to go get the vacuum.

I'll be right back. There's one way you can be intentional at home, right. And double bonus come home from work. And instead of being, being crabby, when you've had a stressful day, be positive, be uplifting [00:17:00] and watch it bleed into the people around you, your wife, your kids, the pets will be happier. And you know, some other fun, little ways that you can really be intentional at home is maybe cook dinner together as a team it's really romantic.

It's fun. It's nice. Even if you don't know how to cook, right. If you throw together some top ramen together, it's, I don't know if I'd call that a meal and even, maybe take the initiative and cook for your spouse. If they are the one who normally does the cooking, because then you're intentionally. Doing something kind for them as well as contributing to the family.

Right? You can order a book maybe from Amazon off of our marriage resources page

and start reading a book together. That's, that's a really good way to be intentional and it really draws some emotional connection. And for us, sometimes reading together kind of. It makes us get a little bit closer and a little bit sexier. So there are some ways that you [00:18:00] can be intentional. So if you have kids at home and you see your partner starting to get a little stressed out, maybe they're raising their voice.

Maybe the kids have them on edge and frustrated. Maybe you could intentionally step in and treat them calmly and lovingly and kind of get them wound down and take a little heat off your partner, you know? And in that way, you're showing that you're a leader and you're showing good example for your kids and your spouse.

Plus you're doing something kind for them by taking that stress away from them. Right. And I don't want to focus on kids too much because we have a lot of listeners who are married and don't have kids. But I do want to say this because whether your kids are home or they're, they're gone and they're doing their own life, or maybe you don't have kids.

One of the wonderful things about being intentional at home. And that's super important to remember is we're teaching our children how to be a man or a woman we're teaching our children what to look for and their future spouse, a man or woman, right. What we're doing in our life every day. [00:19:00] S may seem so mundane and just we're living life and we're just doing this thing, right.

But we're not just doing this thing. We're creating people and these little people they're watching us and they're absorbing everything and they're learning how they're going to be. One day they're modeling their future behavior, whether they think they are not. Yes. And so really being aware of that might help you realize I really want myself, our daughter to have these traits.

So I'm going to show them how to do it. I'm going to present it to them and show them how to do this, because I want them to pick this up. I want them to, you know, not have, you know, my short temper, but instead see me being more calm and loving with my husband and having better communication. Right. And talk about complacency and mundane.

And let me tell you, complacency is an insidious killer of relationships [00:20:00] and intentionality. If you live your life by it at home, and in a lot of other areas, it keeps you from being complacent. Complacency to me is like, you're taking things for granted. You're thinking that they're going to be there even though you're not taking much action towards it.

You're just kind of. Assuming it's going to be there no matter what, you're just kind of going through the motions and when you're intentional, it breaks you out of that. Doldrum, which is a, not a very much used word, but say the only one I could think of there, they're going to Google it and make sure that doldrum of every day just going through the motions and it kind of puts you in a place to keep things fresh because.

If you're not watering something it's going to die, it's not going to grow it. Don't take for granted that something's going to be there. This is a really good pivot into being intentional with love. Did I just do a good transition and not even know it? I did that unintentionally.

Love [00:21:00] is a choice. It is a choice. Let's dive into that because lust is a feeling loving someone as a choice. Limerence is a feeling loving someone for your lifetime is a choice. And that doesn't mean that there's not feelings involved and we're not trying to take the fire and the heat and the excitement and the level.

Yeah, that's not what we're saying. Although, when you go through seasons, if you go through seasons in your marriage, that there. Is a lot of challenges and a lot of trauma. It very well could just be the feeling is I hate you, but I'm going to choose to love you, even though I want to have nothing, nothing to do with it, but that's not what we're talking about right now.

Right. What we're talking about is your choice to love your spouse, to love another human being in a whole new way. So let's talk a little bit about. How is love a choice and how does it relate to being in there's one thing to say, love as a choice, and to say, I choose to love my spouse today, even though I want to rip their eyes out, [00:22:00] choosing to love your partner means taking action to show that love.

So an example of that is when I wake up in the mornings and you've already been gone to work for two hours, and there's a note next to my coffee with my coffee, I'll be ready. So that's, that's the way that you choose to love me. You show me, even though you're not there, that you're still thinking of me and that you love me and that you took the time before he left for work at 3:00 AM in the morning.

Right. So I make the choice to consciously. Get up a little bit earlier and make sure I have enough time to leave that personal note and to have your coffee ready. Cause I know you struggle sometimes. So when you wake up boy and even making that coffee can be done difficult. So that's, uh, I don't just take for granted that she's going to know that I love her and miss her.

I, I take that conscious action to show her that I love her and that I miss her and that I'm thinking about her even first thing in the morning when I can barely put my pants on, I have to have my pants and my clothes laid out a certain way, because if they're [00:23:00] not in a certain order, I, I don't know how to put them on in the morning.

Cause I'm so tired. So if I have the shirt, if I have the shirt on top, instead of on the bottom, I'll try to put my shirt on. Like you guys, he's not kidding. Right? I'm not. I'll walk out of this house with socks on my head and ants on my arms. Oh, goodness. Again, examples of being intentional is I usually get his clothes ready for the next morning, so he doesn't have to do that when he gets home.

And one time I did not turn his underwear inside out and I didn't think about it. And.

I need to be intentional with making sure that every, or I can be less anal about how my clothes are laid out and the laundry, but that is one way I'm intentional. And another way that I'm intentional is I consciously choose to call you and spend my break times with you. Not that you have to do that or that that's for everybody, but I, I consciously choose to do that.

Because that's one way to show my love for you and that I [00:24:00] miss you. And that I want to give you my free time. That you're that important to me that I want you to have any little bit of free time that I have. Right. And so it's really, really important that you kind of take a look at the ways that you can be intentional with how you love your spouse, because everybody is different.

These little silly things that we do. May not be any close to the realm of, of what you would do in your marriage, right? These aren't things that you need to do. These are just examples from our life and hopefully, you know, your partner well enough to know what shows them love. And you know, some of the decisions you can make to try to intentionally love them every day, but for everybody it's going to be different.

And you know, one of the ways that Jess shows love for me intentionally is so she's doing college for six hours a day, every day. And then has homework on top of that. Plus because of COVID both, our kids are here with her all day, every day, trying to do school. Plus she's doing all the housework because I'm out of the house.

But I get up at three in the morning and the [00:25:00] commute for several hours to get to work. Then I work eight, nine, 10 plus hours a day. Then I'm commuting for three hours home every day. And by the time I get home, I am exhausted and I try to jump in and help in every way I can. But she intentionally tries to make sure that my clothes are ready for the next day.

My lunch is ready for the next day. And all I really have to do is come home and shower. Because she knows how exhausted I am and it makes it so much easier for me to be able to be present when I get home, which is another important way of being intentional at home. And she does that for me so that I can then be present and focus on her and our kids and whatever I need to help with.

Right. And then the other aspects of being intentional with love. As being intentional with your communication, being intentional with not just starting communication with your spouse, but having safe communication, deep communication, honest [00:26:00] communication. Okay. Intentionality really does tie the four cornerstones together in a lot of ways because you're being intentional about the three other cornerstones.

Yeah. Being intentional with your intimacy. If you're not having enough sex being intentional about increasing the amount of sex that you have with your spouse or the way that you have sex with your spouse, more intentionality really does touch on no pun intended every part of your marriage, because you have to choose to do things sometimes.

Right. And I think that one of the ways I like to look at it as, you know, honesty is that cornerstone, that kind of. Holds everything up and, but what is honesty without being intentional? Can I finish my metaphor? Yes, sir. Okay. So if honesty is the cornerstone, like the Keystone, the most important one, then I would say that intentionality is kind of like it's, it's kind of like the mortar that holds all the other cornerstones [00:27:00] together, right?

Yeah. So to sum it up, I guess when you wake up in the morning, you need to intentionally make that choice that you're going to love your partner that day. And then you need to intentionally on purpose, take a series of actions that show them love. And it doesn't have to be our examples. It's whatever, you know, we'll show your partner love.

And that includes communicating with them in a way they can understand and being intentional about being honest, you know, intentionally telling them things and not leaving things out intentionally spending time with them intentionally showing them that they're important to you. Right. You know? Special days like holidays, maybe like Valentine's day being intentional about planning your Valentines.

I think she's worried about that. I'm not going to do anything or I'm going to do it last minute. No, but I think the takeaway here though, before we move on, is that regardless if you think [00:28:00] your spouse knows that you love them, as you were saying, taking it for granted, even if they do. Forget that just be intentional to show them because it's always amazing to just get that reinforcement because no matter how secure and confident we are as people, we still need to hear it and see it.

That is definitely true. And how many times have we gotten into almost arguments or even arguments at times? Because. I said, well, I thought you knew that. I, I thought you knew that I thought you were sexy. I thought you knew that. I thought you were beautiful. I tell you, I love you so many times a day. How can you not know that by now?

It's not that we don't know it as people it's that we need to hear it. Right. Even if it's not our love language, we still need to hear everybody needs a little reassurance. So let's move on to the little bit more of a complicated one. I think. [00:29:00] So let's talk about being intentional with self, because this one just it's a little bit deeper and I feel like it could be a little bit more complicated.

Well, and I said that intentionality should be a way of life, and this is kind of where it becomes that lifestyle for you. And so just as being intentional at home ties into one of our. Things that we preach all the time of be a leader and be a role model for your partner. And just as loving with intention ties into our preaching, that love is a choice.

This kind of ties into that concept of that. You should always be striving to be a better person and you should always be engaged in some kind of self-improvement and you need to be intentional about that. Exactly. And so part of that is self-reflection. And being able to take a look at yourself and see where it is you want to improve.

And being honest with yourself about the things, the qualities, the traits that you would like to possess that maybe you don't, or you can improve on. [00:30:00] So it's really hard to do that and it can be really difficult. So how do I get intentional with becoming a better person? Well, read a book on it, read an article on it.

Search it find a role model that carries that trait and kind of watch how they encompass that, how they show it and how they do it and see how it can fit with your life. So those are a lot of tangible actions leading towards the goal of self-improvement that's the core of intentionality. And so it's one thing to say.

I want to be a more honest person. That's not going to make you an honest person. I am what's that equal said I want to be a moron person.  one of your goals, right? That would probably take some really funny action steps to get there, but you aren't incredibly intelligent. Okay. I hope so. I would be smarter if I was an [00:31:00] owl with glasses.

So saying you want to be a more honest person is a great idea and a great way to improve yourself, but saying it is not going to make you more honest. You have to take a series of action steps. So reading a book about honesty, reading some articles about honesty, I don't know, listening to the confident marriage podcast on honesty, but you need to take some kind of actions to lead you toward that goal.

If you are just saying you want to be an honest person, you're being passive in that and not much is going to change. You're taking it for granted that saying, it's going to bring it into fruition, but doing those things like reading articles, absorbing information about how to be a more honest person, take the step to share something each day with your partner.

You wouldn't normally share. Those are action steps that are intentionally leading you to the goal of being more honest. You're actually doing something about it. You're doing it on purpose, right. And that goes along the lines of being able to take. Constructive [00:32:00] criticism. And I don't even like the word criticism because nobody should criticize you, but like, um, constructive suggestions or maybe some, um, feedback, feedback on some traits that you might have that could be improved on.

So yeah. And you don't have to agree with them, especially not to their face, but as long as you can internally say, Hmm, maybe they're right. And kind of just think about it and see if maybe there is something there that you can change instead of just automatically like writing it off and saying, Oh no, and being offended by it.

And actually it makes you look very confident and very emotionally intelligent. When you can say. Okay. I'll take a look at that. And you know, and if you, if you do take a look at it and you internally, you know, kind of mull over it for a little bit and reflect on it and you decide, Hmm, Nope, I do not agree.

Well, that's okay too, because not everything everybody says is true. Right. And well, and also to help you through something like that, it's one thing that we say to each other all the time, when we [00:33:00] maybe point out something about the other person and they don't really see it as. Well, you know, they're telling me that for a reason, it might not be that I actually am like that, but something about me is making them think that, and it might be that they're just an asshole.

Right. But it doesn't hurt to take a look at it. Right. Right. And you don't have to admit that to anybody but yourself. So don't write it off. Um, you know, as long as inside your head, you're not being defensive and you're taking a look at it. That is excellent. That is some major emotional maturity, right.

There is to be able to reflect on something and make a decision on whether or not you agree with it without verbally. And again, it's a conscious action directing you towards a goal. Yeah. And being intentional with yourself. And so another piece of being intentional with yourself, I'm going to kind of guide us.

There is, as we talk about being able to humbly. Hear someone's opinion, whether they're full of shit or not is pride. And pride can be a really interesting thing because you don't really [00:34:00] want to be prideful, but you want to be proud of yourself. You want to be humble. Pride can really kill a relationship.

It is a relationship killer. It is. It absolutely is. When, when you have too much pride, it really doesn't leave much room for your spouse. Your ego kind of takes over the whole situation. And it's really, really hard to talk to someone who's very prideful because they're not able to accept another point of view.

They're not able to be open-minded they're not able to really be empathetic. Or understand, and they're not able really to reflect they're very defensive. So being intentional about how you present yourself, how you carry yourself as part of this pride aspect, because you don't want to have pride overtake you.

Yep. Pride gets in the way of a lot of things and it gets in the way of healthy relationships. And it is one of the biggest roadblocks on the way to self-improvement. And you've got to learn to put that pride aside. No rhyme intended [00:35:00] there. And you have to be intentional about that. You have to realize it's part of that.

Self-reflection you have to realize when your pride is getting in the way, all of us have pride. It's a negative aspect of our personalities that everybody has to one degree or another, whether they want to admit it or not. And if they don't want to admit it, maybe they're having a little too much pride.

But, and, and it's weird because there's a difference between being proud of something and having pride. You want to be proud of your children. You want to be proud of your accomplishments, but you, you can be proud and humble at the same time. You can't be prideful and humble at the same time. No, no.

They're two very, very different things. Being prideful is really, it's all encompassing. Like it, it just kind of takes you over and it, it really dictates all your actions and how you interact with people. Right. Being proud of something is just a happy feeling and being like, yeah, that's awesome. Look at, look at what my spouse did.

Look what my kids did. I, I didn't think I was going to overcome this. And I did that. I'm proud of myself. There are two very [00:36:00] different things, right? So here's an example. So I'm very. I take pride in my work when I build something cool at work, I stepped back and I go, Oh fuck. Yeah, that looks great. I'm amazing.

I'm awesome. But I'm also humble in the sense that I am very open to criticism. Uh, I want to know if I did anything wrong so I can improve. And I will ask questions of people who have more experience than me to try to gain understanding and. Because I know that my way, isn't the only way to do something and there could be a better way and I'm open to that, but I am still very proud of myself when I do something really cool.

Right. So the last piece of being intentional with self that I want to talk about that I don't think many people really relate. The two is self care. You hear this so much, especially like if you're in therapy, some other buzzword, it is. But it's so important because if you're not intentional with taking care of yourself, [00:37:00] so it really all depends on the stage.

You are in your life for this to really be defined for you. So for some people, self care would mean exercise and eating healthy. And for other people, self care might be, uh, gaining control of their diabetes or changing their lifestyle while other people self care might mean that they need, um, a little bit more time to themselves because they're, you know, too engulfed in their home or their work or both.

And they need to spend, you know, a couple hours a week doing something for themselves. It could also mean getting to bed a little bit earlier each night, because you're just. You're not getting enough sleep. Oh, that sounds good. Self-care really just means what is it that you need? Because we talk about marriage so much and we talk about, I guess, servicing your spouse so much and in so many ways, and we talk about this better marriage and we talk about [00:38:00] self-improvement and it really does sound like that's exhausting.

And while it can be. We don't talk enough about taking care of ourselves. Right. And I think part of that is because it can come across as being selfish, especially like you said, with all we talk about, about giving to the marriage and giving to your spouse and all the work that goes into that and all the work that goes into being intentional.

But especially now, especially if you're dealing with something like betrayal, trauma, or any kind of trauma from. Earlier in life maybe or something going on right now that self-care is really important and it's going to be on an individual basis. What you need. Right. So for me, self care can just be a couple of minutes sitting down, watching the news, talking to you, interacting with the kids, taking a hot shower after a long day.

So [00:39:00] getting to bed early, even though it never happens, which it is not right now. No, but for women, I think especially moms, this is really hard. And I think a lot of women struggle with feeling so much guilt needing or wanting to do for themselves for a little bit. And I know that I have always struggled with this and it hasn't been, but maybe a couple of years that I didn't feel guilty about wanting to leave you home with the kids and maybe.

Go to the local department store and buy myself an outfit therapy shot or go get my nails done or go get my hair done. And it, it took a long time for me to be okay with self care without the guilt involved in actually enjoy it. And that doesn't do you much good. Well, if you're feeling guilty about it, it's not self-care because then you're just beating yourself up over [00:40:00] it and causing more stress and it's doing the opposite of what it's supposed to do.

Right. And so I really would want to encourage those who kind of feel that way or feel guilt for their self-care or maybe they're in a relationship where the spouse can be a little controlling and doesn't really allow them to kind of self care that they want. And they feel like their spouse is being selfish for it.

Find a way that you can do it without that guilt, because it does you no good. When it interferes in your marriage and your spouse gets upset. It does you no. Good. When you feel guilt about it and you can't fully enjoy it. Self-care is literally just that. And if you're not able to do it, you've got to find another way to do it because it's so important.

It is. But I got to say right here. Now this isn't a free license to do whatever you want and tell your partner, leave me alone. This is my self care. So it doesn't mean you get to go sit down and play video games for six hours when you get home from work and ignore your family and then [00:41:00] pawn it off as self-care, it is, you need to be intentional about your choices in what you do for self care, because there's a fine line between that and getting into selfish behavior.

Right. So it has to be something you do for yourself, but not to the detriment of everyone else around you. Right. There's there's a point where you got to get up and walk away from it. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. So keep that in mind, intentionality. Isn't just about everybody else. It's about you to be intentional with yourself.

That's number one, because you know what? Just like with honesty. Starts with yourself. And so you can't be honest with your spouse until you're honest with yourself, right. And you can't really be. Intentional with your spouse until you're intentional with your, with yourself. It's the whole, the mat, the mask on the airplane concept.

You know, I'll get me a gospel airplane. I want to hear [00:42:00] what this is. I haven't heard this before. Oh, I'm getting tired. It's like snakes on a plane. What is Sam Jackson going to come in? No, the masks on the airplane and the oxygen masks, right. They tell you on a flight and they use it in life in therapy all the time.

Now, when you hear people talk about it, Before you, even if you have a child with you do not put the oxygen mask, when that plane is going down on any bus, anybody, but yourself. First, once you put the oxygen mask on yourself, you then proceed to put the oxygen mask on other people around you. Now, if it were me, I don't ever think that I would.

Consider putting the oxygen mask on myself before my child. I don't even know how that, that wouldn't even come to my head. My whole thing would be like, all my kids come here, come here and get the oxygen mask on. But my point, if the plane's going down, I'm not worrying about the oxygen mask. I'm looking for that damn parachute

[00:43:00] self for my kids, for my kids in you. Right. So. It's the same concept. You have to be intentional with yourself in order to be intentional with other people because you can't burn yourself out. And if you're unhealthy, you can't be healthy for other people. Therefore you can't show your spouse. The intentional love you need to, you can't show your family, the intentional role model and leader that you need to.

So it really does start with you. So I asked her our followers to tell us what intentionality means for them and their marriage. And one fast 84 said, intentionality is knowing your goal and being mindful of where you step when you step and why you step for each step along the way. I really liked that.

And then a place for us said in our relationship, we try to do everything with the [00:44:00] positive intentionality. Life in relationships can be hard enough without someone trying to make it worst. Honestly, the smaller. Thought out things bring the biggest challenge. Things like make coffee in the morning or unloading the dishwasher.

After my wife has a long day, can help build up and strengthen our relationship foundation in short, don't be petty and do things to build and lift each other up. They were both very beautiful. Thank you guys for contributing. So I hope we've given you a better understanding of what intentionality is and how to apply it in your life.

At least in the couple aspects that we talked about, um, like I said, in the beginning, it's, it's thrown out there in so many different ways on so many things, different podcasts and marriage resources and relationship resources, but I don't think they give it its due diligence to explain what intentionality actually is.

And I think they are being a little complacent. And not being [00:45:00] intentional about explaining what it is and just kind of taking for granted that people know, but there you have it. That's our take on intentionality incredibly important. We call it the second cornerstone in the foundation of a healthy marriage.

And we have it there for a reason it's right. Under honesty because it kind of binds everything together. So hopefully we've given you something to think about and given you some practical ways to apply it to your life, intentionality is in essence a way of life. And it doesn't just apply to the aspects we talked about.

It is something you need to apply to all aspects of your life, because it will help you succeed in all those aspects and avoid the dangers of things like complacency. Thank you everybody for joining us for another episode of the confident marriage. We'd like to thank you in advance for rating us on your favorite podcast app.

We really, really appreciate it. And we love to read your reviews. Don't forget to visit our website, www.theconfidentmarriage.com. It is your [00:46:00] one-stop shop. For all things, marriage and relationship. Don't forget to check out our resources page when you're there. We have lots of great resources, including the intimately S app, which is really good for improving your emotional intimacy and then improving your sexual intimacy.

Yeah. Yes. And it helps support the show when you download it from our link on our website. So please do that. It does. And check out Joshua Shay's website also. Yeah. So we don't get any support from that. We just like him. Yes. Yeah. So check all that stuff out. Give us a rating. Join us next week. This is the confident marriage podcast.

I'm your host, Sean. And I'm your host, Jessica has a great and fantastic. And then be intentional. [00:47:00]