Episode 1: Mythical Marriages

What is a healthy and normal marriage anyway? We will address many of the common beliefs, myths, misconceptions, and ideas about what a marriage SHOULD look like. We will look at what is true and what is false when we look at the many ideas and beliefs held by society. Let’s dive into what ‘normal” is for a couple, the divorce warning signs that indicate the end of your marriage is inevitable and what you can do to flip that. 

Episode Transcript:

This is The Confident Marriage podcast and I'm your host, Jessica. Thank you for joining me today. We all know how rewarding marriage can be, but we also know that it is one of the hardest commitments we make in life next to being parents, of course. This podcast is to help you make happiness, your marriage story by covering topics every week that most people don't want to talk about answering your questions, offering marriage hacks, and tips to change your marriage right now.

This is episode one Mythical Marriages, and I'll be talking about what is healthy and normal in a marriage. In this episode, I address many of the common beliefs, myths, misconceptions, and ideas about what a marriage should look like. We'll look at what is true and false and we'll look at the many ideas and beliefs held by society today.

I'll dive right into what is normal for a couple, the divorce warning signs that indicate the end of your marriage, and what you can do to flip that. The following are some commonly accepted truths about marriage and relationships. The problem is that they're not truths, they're myths, they're misconceptions, and they run contrary to what an intimate relationship should be. So let's dive right in. The first one we're going to talk about is having common interests with your partner is important. That's what they say, but this isn't true that you need this in order to have a fulfilling marriage and that you both need to like the same hobbies, the same music, movies, food.

Whatever it's not necessarily true either that opposites attract or that similar people make a more compatible match, couples that are healthy, bring diversity to the relationship. And they have an open mind from both to try new things. That's what keeps the excitement strong. Staying open to your spouse's interests, experiencing these things with them, finding where you may find joy in it, and making it something you both can enjoy.

Not only shows that your spouse, that matters to you, but you may also learn that you love something new. This time together isn't about griping, it's about interacting. It's about getting into your spouse's world and learning about them in light. You may not ever see them in any other circumstance.

So I'm going to jump into one of my personal experiences. And for me, one of the things that I did not think I would ever enjoy is sushi, it's a pretty minimal thing, but let's go with it for a moment. I don't like fish, especially raw fish, just a thing of mine. And my husband absolutely loves sushi, loves fish.

And he had offered for us to go on a date and said that he wanted to take me to the sushi place. And I was just 100% against it. I was like, “I don't like fish.” “I don't like sushi.” “I don't want to go.” And he's like, “Let's try it out. You don't have to have fish on the sushi. They have sushi without fish.” And I, my mind just was blown.

I was like, “What? But isn't that like the whole point of like sushi? No fish?” And that doesn't make sense, but we went and he ordered about five or six different roles without any fish on them. Now I will do like crab and fried shrimp. So I had some leeway there and he ordered about five or six rolls that he thought I might enjoy, and I hesitantly took a couple of bites. I wasn't really sure how I was going to react. And I was kind of scared that I was going to gag and really embarrass myself. But after about the second or third bite, I started to realize this is actually kind of good. So needless to say, I fell in love with sushi, right?

I still don't eat the fish raw fish and still don't do it, but it's one of my favorite foods now. And any chance I get to have sushi, I'm totally down. I'm in, I'm in for it. This is something that I would have never experienced. Had I kept to my own Narrow-mindedness and not been open to trying something my husband likes, now it's something that he and I really, really enjoy together.

Now there's another side to this and it's not just about enjoying each other's interests. But there's also some need for downtime. Maybe you just can't get into what your spouse is into. Maybe they just needed to stay there and that's okay.

That's actually great, and I say that because some time away and allowing your spouse the space that they need to be themselves to do the things that they love, it really creates a healthy environment for the both of you. And you should be doing the same thing too. This time away from each other. It allows the opportunity for each one's individuality and self-security to take shape and form, we can't do that when we're constantly with the other person.

One of the things that I really love about the time away is that it gives us the time and space to miss one another. And that's a really wonderful feeling when you get to be rejoined with your spouse and you've really missed them and you've thought about them and the wonderful things that can happen in moments like that.

It's quite amazing. So make sure that you two are keeping that amazing going together as a couple, as well as a part. So let's move on to the whole idea of when your relationship is starting to hit bigger bumps, it's time to seek couples counseling. This one really bothers me because seeking help in your relationship when things are going south was not, and is not the sign that you needed the help. That sign came long before that, and we often put things off. We wait until it's almost too late, and sometimes we wait until that there's been so much damage done to the relationship that it can cause everlasting trauma in that relationship. The problems always start off small and they seem to be something that we can live with, and it just doesn't really seem to be that big of a deal. We kind of brush it off. So one of the ways that you can really battle this problem. Is always keeping open and honest communication with one another working continuously on the marriage. It keeps these little things from developing into a catastrophe.

Now don't underestimate this, you can never predict which of these small little things is actually going to be a bigger problem lurking underneath the surface. So an example of how these little things can turn into big things later is, my husband has a dry sarcasm. And in the beginning, it really didn't seem like that big of a deal.

It kind of caught me off guard, actually. I wasn't quite sure what to make of it. And there have been so many times throughout our relationship where he said something and I laughed and then I had to stop and look at him and say, “Wait, was that a joke, or were you serious?” And I was never quite sure what his answer was going to be because there were times that he was serious and it came across as him joking, and there were times that he was joking and he was serious and serious and joking and I just didn't know. So as time went on, there were times in our marriage where he really needed to be front and center with me. And some of the things that he'd say would come across as his dry sarcasm and in the back of my mind, it created doubt in what he was saying. It made me feel like I couldn't trust what he was saying, and part of me wondered if he was being sarcastic with me and I wasn't picking up on it. And that created a lot of mistrust between him and me throughout the years. And I didn't even realize it until he and I really started to talk about it, and I told him, I said, “You know, your sarcasm at times can really create an environment of mistrust with you because I don't know when you're joking and when you're serious. And that really sets me in a place. To be standoffish with you and not feel vulnerable and safe with you.”

So those are just some examples of how these little tiny, stupid things can really create big problems in a marriage, and so instead of just brushing it off in the beginning, I might have said something like, “Hey, you know, it's sometimes hard to know when you're being sarcastic or when you're being serious. And I really don't want this to create problems later. It's not really a big deal, but is there something that we can do to kind of mitigate that? So it doesn't cause an issue with me later.” And I know we don't always think like that. We don't always think of every little thing as being a problem later, but the rule of thumb is this. If something creates a negative feeling, a sense of doubt, a sense of insecurity, a sense of frustration, more than three times. You know that that's going to be a problem at some point or very well could be a problem, and so there's your cue to bring it up. Okay, this keeps coming up in my head as a problem, let's talk about it. So that's something that you really should be paying attention to, and something that you really should be working on in your relationship.

So the next thing we're going to talk about is. The whole idea that if my partner is really the right one for me, if my partner has paid attention to me, they would intuitively know what it is I need or what the right thing to say is. This is so wrong, this is a huge buster. We all change through the course of our life, and even when we think our partners should know these answers, they don't always. They just don't always, and no one is a mind reader. Think of it this way, you and your spouse are two very different people with different life experiences, different opinions, different beliefs, and different views on life.

You wear your own personal set of glasses that you see life through, and no one in this world wears the same pair of glasses that you wear. Your spouse has their very own set of glasses, and these were created by their life experiences, their teachings, their exposure, their upbringing, and the events that have happened in their life.

And while we often think that we know what others want, we don't always get it right. Have you ever done something for someone and brought them a gift or did something that you know, they were absolutely gonna love. Like, there's just no doubt about it, and in a state of shock and disbelief, you wonder what went wrong? Now that my dear is our spouses experience with us in those situations they're trying, and they think they've got it right, and then they fail miserably. Keep the communication open, keep it honest, always, and rather than setting yourself up for a letdown. Let go of those expectations. Expectations really come from inside us more often, and they lead to resentments that could have been avoided.

So thinking that your spouse is going to know everything about you is not an indication or sign of whether or not you two are right together, that they've listened to you or that they're paying attention.

The next myth we're going to cover. It probably going to be quite comical in how I handle this one because it's probably the one that I hate the most and that's “happy couples don't argue”. This is hands down, the biggest myth of all. It's a big steaming pile of myth, shit. Remember those glasses we wear? Yeah, those. They get in the way of seeing someone's point of view far too often. There are going to be small, moderate, and large conflicts, and there is absolutely no way to full-proof a marriage so that this doesn't happen.

If anyone tells you their marriage is like this, if this is your marriage, you just don't argue much, bull shit, shit ain't being talked about. It's not about the argument. It's not about how much or even why it's happening. That matters, what matters is how you two are arguing, yes. Just how this is actually one of the most tell-tale signs of whether your marriage will last is your arguments.

Arguments are important to have and just as necessary as the fun and sexy stuff, you two need to be talking about the disagreements, conflicts, and problems between you. They're there because you don't agree with your spouse, hence the conflict, the how is what's important. Spouses who are open-minded to be wrong, hearing how the picture is painted on their partner's wall, being respectful, and willing to compromise is the how. We're going to dive more into this topic a bit deeper in a later segment, but for right now, it's a really important myth that you need to understand moving forward in your relationship.

The next one, “If I'm married, the right person, love is everlasting. If one or both of us loses that we married the wrong person.” The idea that love is everlasting is a fairy tale. Let me try and say that a little bit differently, It doesn't exist. There will be times in your marriage that you, your spouse, or maybe even the both of you at the same time will not feel love for the other, and there could be times that things are so bad that you quite literally cannot stand them. This is marriage, welcome to all its glory. This is not the end and it will return, and each time it does you'll find that your marriage will morph into something different, and wonderful. The problem is, that when we hit this place, we don't want to do the work to bring it back.

We don't want to love them. We don't want to desire them anymore. So what's the motivation to bring something back that we just don't have. Well, this is where the failure happens in marriage. We don't realize until the next relationship, when we look back and utterly regret that instant gratification moment we had, everything we throw away and how pissed off we are that it just happened again with someone else. Love comes and goes, it is an absolute choice, a choice in what you do in those moments when you're not feeling it. It's not always about feeling that connection. That's not a marriage, it's just not, a marriage can go from one end of the spectrum to the other and you have no idea what happened.

You have to make the choice to do something different at that moment, you have to make the choice to find out what went wrong, address it, and work towards changing it. It's just going to happen and there's no way around it, and that's not the moment to give up. That's the moment to say, we need to do something different.

This is probably one of the hardest ones to get past because our nature is to act on emotion. And if we're not feeling something, if we're feeling something it's really hard to have the self-control to stop and do it differently. So we'll talk a lot more about this in a later episode.

So the next myth that we're going to cover is that everything is split 50/50. I know it's not fair, and they're not doing their share and it feels like the weight is on you. But think about this logically, there are things in your relationship that they do more of than you. I can't think of anyone's marriage, where everything is exactly 50/50 life simply isn't that fair, and definitely, people are not either, and it's not always because they don't want to, or they're being lazy or they're not putting in their full effort.

Remember when we spoke earlier about how different people are. Well, that applies here too. There are just going to be areas where your spouse is the master at something, and you're a bit of a rookie and vice versa expecting someone to always be half of everything is ridiculous. You're not that I'm not that no one is that, and while there are very much going to be things that you both share equally in a majority of things in your marriage, one person is going to do more of it. While the other does less and that's on both sides. This is really truly what it means to compliment and complete one another, instead of holding onto that anger and resentment towards your spouse, because of these differences, embrace the shit out of it, and let me tell you. Expecting everyone to be that perfect is unrealistic, let's have some grace and some understanding. Let's be proud of the things that we're really good at and be proud of our spouse for the things that they're really good at and allow those things to complete the marriage and actually make you two a team.

I absolutely love that, my husband and I were so very different. And while it seems like sometimes I'm doing more or he's doing more. When we really look back at it, we are flawless together because where I leave off, he picks up where he leaves off, I pick up, it's just, it's a beautiful ebb and flow. And instead of arguing about it and getting into that, nitty-gritty bullshit.

We just run with it and everything always ends up going smoothly and I know what his strengths are, I know what his weaknesses are as well as he does me. And that's where we step in and we take the lead for our spouse and things always end up being so much more amazing. The stress is relieved from me because it wasn't a strong trait of mine and he got to pick up where he was strong and give me space to just kind of breath and let him take control.

It doesn't mean that there's something wrong with me because just in the moments where I see that he is struggling. I step in to relieve him and I take control. That's what a partnership is about. There are no reins for one person to hold on to. You guys share those. And when those turns come, that you're better at you better take those reins and steer that marriage coach, because that's the only way that you guys are going to get through life as a team.

The last myth that we're going to cover today is “If my spouse loves me, they wouldn't do that.” We are all creatures of habit even if we are the most spontaneous person and we are all about getting up and going to the movies in our pajamas, because we just happened to think of it at that moment, and it sounds great.

We're still creatures of habit. We're selfish in one way or another, and there's really no way to get around it. That's how we survive, that doesn't mean it needs to interfere in our relationships. Often the things that we do and we don't do. Never have anything to do with anyone but ourselves, and it's impossible for one person to be ever mindful at every single second, every single day of someone else. The things that we do, the things that we say, the choices we make, it's a lot, most of the time we don't even think that we did it until it's done, and then we realized the gravity of something that was so very small. It's often those moments that we make those mistakes and the amount of shared mental and physical energy that needs to be put into breaking some of our behaviors that are so automatic is almost impossible to do immediately without months or even years of mental reconditioning.

We really need to be understanding and forgiving of our spouse. And before we react, take a quick inventory, think about how you might want to respond to this. Think about gravity first. How important is this to me? How does it really affect me? In what ways does it affect me? Is there a comfortable compromise for me?

And work off that when addressing situations with your spouse, that you feel takes away value from you or your relationship when they act, behave, or say things in a certain way that make you feel uncomfortable, but also understand that you married your partner, not yourself. Don't go into it, looking to change your partner.

Look to find a compromise, a way to both be yourselves, but still make the marriage peaceful, allow themselves the opportunity to be who they are, and relish in each other's diversity. That's what makes your marriage so amazing is that you two, as individuals are coming together as a team.

We talked about just a couple of the myths that are out there about marriages and relationships. We talked about having common interests with the partner and how important it is busted. We talked about when your relationship is hitting bigger bumps it's time to see couples counseling. We should be working on our marriage continuously, if we've gotten to that point, we waited too long. We talked about if my partner is really right for me and he's paid attention, they would know what I need and what to say. We talked about how people don't mind readers, we're all different. We see the world differently, we all make mistakes. We talked about the myth of happy couples who don't argue, and we all know that to be untrue. We talked about, if my spouse loves me, they wouldn't do that, not everything is about us, sometimes people just make mistakes. We talked about how it's thought that if we fall out of love with our partner or our partner falls out of love with us, that the marriage is over. We talked about the idea that that is more so a fairy tale than reality and were ever-changing our minds and our bodies and our feelings. We can't expect everything to be 100% consistent every day, we're human beings. We talked about how everything is split 50/50 and how we're supposed to be working as a team in marriage and leaning on each other's strengths and helping each other out on our weaknesses.

So the exciting thing is that everything that we talked about today, we're going to be doing individual segments on and taking a deeper dive into them. So keep a lookout for that. If you would like some more information, please visit my website www.theconfidentmarriage.com. Follow us on Facebook @confidentmarriage, Twitter @cmarriage, and Instagram @theconfidentmarriage. I'd love to hear from you guys. I'm not even just saying that seriously. If there's a topic you'd like me to discuss or answer a question, email me, send me a message on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram. Let me know, I'd be happy to cover it.

For our next episode, we are going to be talking about sex, maybe you're not feeling the flame, wondering what the source of sexual disconnection is. The good news is it's not rocket science and it's not as complicated as you might think it is. The two of you might not be having emotional sex. That's right, it's the foreplay before the foreplay and when sprinkled into your marriage, the end result is mind-blowing.

This is the confident marriage podcast, and I'm your host Jessica. Thank you all for listening and let's make happiness, your marriage story.