Episode 8: Showing Love Through Respect

Regardless of the definition, you give respect when you break it down, respect is trust, being truthful and trustworthy….and that is love. Without that component in a marriage, you can not have love. The difference is understanding what LOVE really is, and the ones who have figured it out are the people who have a lifelong love. We will break down the components of love and a life long marriage. We will explore the secrets to keeping your marriage loving and have that rare once in a lifetime wonderful love into your old age and beyond.

Episode Transcript

Welcome everyone. I just love you guys. I think I say that on every single one of my episodes, but I really, really do. If you are a new listener, welcome to all my returning listeners. Hello again, I'm so happy. You guys are here with me.

Hey, listen. If you guys haven't already. Right after this episode, or even pause right now and come right back, make sure you subscribe to the podcast and rate to me. I am on all of the major podcast platforms. So whether it's iTunes, SoundCloud, Spotify, there's so many just search the confident marriage on your favorite podcast platform and hit subscribe.

Whatever it is you use tell me, you guys are digging me. That's how I know I need motivation to y'all. So I love hearing from you guys too. An easy way to do that, to connect with me, to talk with other people who are going through, what you're going through is to like, or follow me. Um, I'm on most of the social media.

So Facebook I'm at the confident marriage on Twitter. It's the see marriage show. So just the letter C and the word marriage, and then show Instagram, the confident marriage. Couldn't be easier than that. Just like, or follow me, share me with your friends. Um, I know that you guys probably get a little embarrassed at times.

It's cool. You know, you never know whose relationship you can help when you, when you share the podcast, just everybody needs a little, pick me up a little advice, a little guidance, and, um, you know, share it with your friends, your family, whoever shared on your social media, whatever, just make sure you guys help get the word out there that our community is here.

And there is nothing to be embarrassed about. So last week, On social media, I did a marriage challenge. And so what I asked everybody to do was to take a photo, whether it was goofy or sexy or fun or cute or whatever, and just send it to their spouse. And I posted the one that I sent. And, um, so a lot of you guys found that.

Absolutely hilarious. I know I did. So I've been doing a lot more cool, fun stuff like that. I also did a poll last week. Thank you, everybody who responded to the poll. Uh, we're going to talk about that. I also asked you guys some questions on social media. So I asked it on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter.

And the question was when you define respect in a marriage, what does that look like? And can you have love without respect? So some really cool answers. We're going to go over that. So today we're going to be talking about shit-talking. Also known as respect. And so the things that I interacted with you guys on social media with were about respect.

It was about shit-talking. So the poll I took, I asked how many people have spoken poorly of their spouse to other people, whether it be friends, families changes, what have you? 78% of people said, yes, Oh, my God, you guys, 22% said no of that 22%. I bet. Half of you do. And didn't want to admit it. Maybe not, maybe I don't know, but I'm just saying it happens a lot more than we think it does.

And when we think our spouse, isn't talking shit about us a lot of times they are, and they don't even realize it. Sometimes they're fully aware of it. If you go up to your spouse and you say, Hey, are you talking shit about me to people? What do you expect their answer to be? No, I would never do that. I say nothing but the best things about you, you can call bullshit almost every single time right then and there.

I'm just saying, but don't do it. Okay. I don't want any fights, but I also asked what does respect look like in a marriage and overwhelmingly trust? And love go hand in hand to create respect, which is funny because that is actually what respect is. And so I'm so incredibly impressed by you guys because you guys know essentially what respect is, no matter how you try to define respect, no matter how you try to describe it.

When it really comes down to the roots of respect, when you try to simplify it, it's trust. And you can't have love with that respect. We're going to go into more detail about that. A funny little story about my social media posts last week. So I was banned from a couple of groups. Yup. They did not like me asking the question probably because I said that I was going to talk about it on my next podcast, which is.

Essentially promoting myself, but my stuff is free. So I don't see it as promotion because I make no money off of it. I actually lose about $500 a month on this, which is cool with me because I am essentially giving that money to you by helping you guys out. So, I mean, I kind of see it as a kind of. Mean to do.

I even had one lady, she went off on me guys. I'm not even kidding you. This one admin of this one group told me I was full of shit that I, uh, I don't know what I'm talking about because I am not a professional and that I'm doing this all to make money. And just, she went off on me and my last response was, if you're so educated, how are you?

So ignorant? I wish you the very best of luck. I'm not even joking you lady. I really, really do. And I hope whatever is making you unhappy changes for you. One day, I pray for all the best. I said, good luck. Discussion over and I blocked her. Do I feel bad about it? No, because people so much automatically think the worst of other people and that we always have some kind of aim or gain to do something and no one ever does anything anymore.

Just out of the goodness of their hearts. Whatever, I don't care. Maybe I am tripping on it a little bit, but, so there's what happened to me last week. I was banned from a couple of groups, so a couple of groups were really, really welcoming of me and really glad to have me in the group and excited. So that's awesome.

So anyways, let's get back to what we learned and what we're talking about today. So shit talking about your partner respect, right. Regardless of the definition you give respect when it comes to marriage, when you break it down, respect is trust, respect as being truthful and trustworthy. Without that component in a marriage, you cannot have love.

Love is a widely mistaken thing. We mistake it as a feeling. Love is not a feeling. You can have a feeling of love, but that is not love. When you feel loved for someone it's your brain chemicals, it's causing a physical reaction. It can come and go. Depending on the situation, the feeling of love is created by dopamine.

Do you remember the episode on porn? Almost the exact same things happen. Something happens to your brain that creates the feeling of love. It creates a habit, forming response. When things in your marriage are hitting those triggers in your brain, that signal happiness and satisfaction. Those chemicals are released by your brain to create the feeling of love.

I don't know if that's a shocker for some of you, your feeling is created by your brain. It's not natural. It doesn't just happen. Did I just, Whoa, your world let's move on though, because it gets better. What happens when your marriage isn't providing those actions or words that signal a trigger to those chemicals in your brain to create love, happiness and satisfaction?

Well, your brain isn't receiving the response needed to create this chemicals that make you feel love. Therefore. You don't feel love. Go back to my episode, lost love where we talk a little bit more about how this happens and it comes in and out, but this euphoria can really essentially be prompted by anybody, not just your partner, if given the right measures that your brain requires to trigger the feelings of love it'll happen.

Therefore, you could love anyone who can trigger this brain response for you. Hence why so many people leave their spouse for another thinking that they have fallen out of love with their spouse and in love with someone else? No, you didn't. Your brain is playing tricks on you. And I'll give you some time and you'll end up in the exact same situation with your quote unquote, new love as you did your last, because you don't understand what love really is.

It is not a feeling. And when those chemicals are no longer being triggered as what happened with the last love, your next bout of unhappiness is going to take place thinking it's your spouse. And why does this always happen to you? It doesn't just happen to you. It happens to everyone. Yup. All of us, the difference is understanding what love really is.

And these are the people who have lifelong love. I guess you could say love as a myth. I mean, at least to the terms of what we as a society today, recognize and understand it by. And I do talk about this, a mythical marriages. It's not what we think it is. And maybe, I don't know, I can't blame the movies and music and all that for creating this because all that came from somewhere to begin with to make that.

And so we just all automatically associate those feelings we get with love. Therefore, we must love a person. And when we don't have those feelings of love is gone, that's not true. So as we move forward, I really want you to understand that those feelings you have are created by your brain, only your brain, and they can come and go as easily as someone doing or not doing something can trigger that.

So to say that you love someone because you feel it is bullshit. And I'm going to talk about how it's bullshit. Love is a choice. That's right. A choice, a choice to respect, a choice to be honest. Love is respect and respect is trust. There you have it. The mathematical equation to love and lifelong marriage.

You're welcome. I just solved all your problems. Thank you. Come again. Goodbye. Okay. No, but seriously, let's talk about what that looks like and how it plays out and why it is. So trust is a two-way street, right? And I bet you're still thinking that both have to be honest. Well, yes and no, you have to trust your spouse.

To be honest with them. Meaning, you have to trust them to tell them the truth. You have to trust enough to be open and honest, but you also have to be honest to see lying to your spouse. Even those little white lies is not trusting your spouse with the truth. It's not trusting your spouse enough to tell them the truth.

There is no trust in your spouse when you lie to them, you do not trust them. And you'll have to be honest with your spouse when you lie to them, you're dishonest. Therefore they won't trust you. See it's a different kind of two-way street. It's not, you both have to be honest, the two way street as you have to trust them enough, to be honest.

And you must be honest. Fuck the repercussions. Okay. I don't want to hear a single person say, well, I can't be honest because of their responses in the past. I can't be honest because I'm scared or fearful of what would happen or what they're going to think, or whatever your excuse or reason is. That's not their fault.

It's your fault because you know, you're operating outside the boundaries of your marriage and you did something that they have the right. To be upset about. And because you fucked up does not give you a license to lie, to avoid the discussion, take responsibility for your shit and own it. Be honest and clean your shit up.

So you're going to do a double fuck you now by lying to them after you fucked up and make them suffer the huge responses, because you're the one who made the mistake. And this is where respect comes in. Respect your partner enough that they deserve your honesty and you're taking responsibility. Yeah, it may suck in the short term, but they'll trust and respect you even more.

And your marriage will be stronger and deeper than ever before when you respect them. And you're honest, which is choosing to love them. Other than being a coward. Well, we all know what path that goes down. Mistrust, disrespect, a broken marriage, unhappiness. It's it's a freaking mess. Don't be a coward and take responsibility.

So here's an example for you. There's someone at work that you highly respect and you think is a really standup person. And one day they fuck up and they didn't own their mistake. They blamed it on everything or maybe everybody and they didn't take ownership. You and your team suffer the consequences of the mistake because now you all have to work together to fix the problem, including you, you not only have lost respect for them because they lied and they didn't respect you enough to be honest about their mistake and they let it fall on you like that.

But your high regard for this person that you thought they were as gone and you don't trust them anymore. Have they owned their mistake? You would have been angry with the mistake, of course, but you probably will respect them more because they owned their shit. More respect would have been built. Had they taken the heat and owned it and took responsibility for it.

More respect created more trust created because you know that even when they make a mistake, they're going to own it and they're going to try to help to fix it. Yeah. It's going to suck for the whole team maybe for a few weeks, let's say, but the whole bad vibe isn't going to be there. Once all is said and done the loss of respect isn't going to be there.

There's more respect the loss of trust. Isn't going to be there. There's going to be more trust. It's not going to fuck up your working relationship with them in the future, creating a bad environment for everybody. As a matter of fact, it's going to make for a much stronger relationship in the future because you respect them and you trust them even yeah, more, this exact same thing is what happens in your marriage.

Exactly. So we talked about you don't respect your spouse enough, to be honest with them, to give them honesty, you will act so much respect for them that you are willing to lie to them. You're saying that they don't deserve the truth. They're not worthy of it in your eyes. And you are on such a high horse that you don't think you have to take responsibility for your actions and that you are the exception to the rule and they are less than therefore they don't deserve your trust.

They don't deserve your respect and you don't deserve to have to take responsibility for the choices that she made. Who do you think you are? Respect is saying, this person means so much to me, that they deserve to know the truth. They are worthy of seeing my shortcomings. They don't deserve to be lied to and live in a false world.

With me, respect is taking your spouse into consideration. Every time you make a choice in life. You respect your partner enough to know that everything that you do no matter how big or how small it is, has an effect on them taking into account all times how, what you do, what you say, how you act, how you behave, all of it, how it will affect them, how will it make them feel?

How is it going to affect him then making choices in your spouse's best interest as well as yours. Is love. It is respect. It's choosing to love your spouse. So how does taking someone into consideration such a big factor of respect? So you go to a movie and let's say you're a really tall person. And a short person is sitting behind the seat.

You would like to take you look around. And you have now taken into consideration that they will not be able to see the movie. If you sit right there in front of them, you've thought about it. You took them into consideration. You realize what's going to happen if you make this choice. So out of respect, now that you've taken all things into consideration, you decide to sit elsewhere where you will not disrupt.

Their experience of the movie. Now, if you had said, fuck it, I don't care. And sat down. You would have been disrespectful. That goes the same way for your marriage and all the things that you do. A marriage is a much more deeper interaction and relationship than someone who sits behind you in the movie theater.

So why wouldn't the things that you do that are on a daily basis and impact your own life, not impact the other. And since when do we give strangers more respect than we give our spouse, the person we're supposed to honor love and cherish. Until death do us part. When did that become a thing that we show our spouse, less respect that when the person sitting behind us, when was that?

Okay, what do you care if you respect them or not? You're never going to see them again. What are the repercussions there? But with your spouse, the repercussions are great long lasting deep. So they cuss at you. And yell at you because you sat in front of them. You see your movie, you walk out, you never have to deal with it again.

But what about your spouse?

Sorry, I gotta ask you one more time. Since when did treating strangers with more respect than you treat your spouse, become a thing. Respect is always keeping your spouse, your partner in your thoughts. Always keeping their best interest at heart, taking it into account every single time we make decisions, even when we think that that situation has nothing to do with them, you will find yourself fucked over and over and over again because ultimately everything you do will somehow some way at some point affect your partner.

So let's talk about shit-talking because so many people do this and some don't even realize that they're doing it. And it really does tell others around you, how much you really respect your spouse, guys. You know, you bitch to your friends about how your wife was on one last week about you not mowing the lawn and a beer break with them was just what you needed to get out of the house.

And ladies, you know, you bitch to your girlfriends about how your husband won't do as part at home and the fucking lawns haven't been mowed in almost a month and a spa day with them was just what you needed to get out of the house. Listen, it's not okay. It's not cool. It shows people the kind of person you really are.

Not as much as your spouses, you think it does. And even though they're sitting there sympathizing with you in their head, a whole nother story is going on. Oh my God, how could they talk about their spouse like that? Damn. You know, if I had someone like that, I would be head over heels in love and grateful to have him.

Does he even, or she even realize what they have, but yeah, they're sitting there and face all my God. I can't believe that. See people see these things and even if they do it themselves, don't let that fool you. Because we all know that we're hypocrites. So what they think is that they had a right to talk shit about their spouse because X, Y, and Z, but you're being a little pathetic or you're being a little petty, or you're being a little over the top.

That's not like their situation. Their situation's totally different. We all know it goes down like that in our heads for all of us, we all have our own opinions. And though you think that they aren't going to judge you for it. People still do it. Even when they do it themselves, don't let that be your scapegoat while they do it.

Yes. And they judge you and your spouse when you do it, it's disrespectful. Would you do that? That if your husband or wife were right there and if you said, yes, you need to learn to respect each other a little bit more or people aren't going to tell you this, but they lose respect for you. When you talk shit about your spouse, not your spouse so much, they lose trust for you.

If you're going to sit here and talk shit about the person you're spending your life with, what kind of negative shit are you saying about them? Not to mention it makes your marriage look like it's in worse shape than it really is. It's giving it the illusion that things are bad and people have their own perspectives on things and the way that things are.

And it's all different than yours. A simple little petty thing that you're bitching about could make people think that you guys are headed for divorce or shit is so bad in that house. People are judgmental, no matter how much they claim to be. Non-judgemental when you talk crap about your spouse, they may laugh it off in front of you and try to relate to it.

But in their head, It's all bad news for you and your spouse. What do you think they're thinking when they see pictures of you guys on social media or see you too, when you're out and about, or at a party they're replaying all that shit you said in their head, you look like a fraud to them. Hey, look at Jen over there with her husband trying to act like she is so happy and in love with him, you know, just last week she was bitching about how lazy is and how tired she is of it.

How fucking fake, imagine how you would feel if your spouse's buddies knew all this shit about you. And that's what they were thinking about as they're interacting with you, as they're around you, how embarrassing and humiliating, right. Is that respectful? Other ways that we tuck shit about our spouses is sighing or making noises or gestures when our spouse calls or texts us.

You make short little stabs at them in conversation about their personality, their looks or behaviors, or little quirks that they have or things that they do. We don't realize that this is essentially shit talking, but it is big time. It's a presentation of what we put out there to others and what they perceive about our thoughts and feelings about our spouse.

It's what they think is real. They don't see everything else behind it. You might talk about it, but they still, they don't see all the days in and outs. They only hear what you tell them. Negative shit is easier to talk about the positive shit. Another mistake we make is talking about our marriage problems and seeking advice and help from friends and family.

It's not a good idea. Let me tell you from experience, it's not. Even if it's understood, we're just looking for help. It's shit. Talking, friends and family are not good at seeing things the way that we do, they take things wrong or they paint their own picture in their head of what's going on. It's there all their whole perception.

It's just how people operate. Here's an example, a car accident takes place and six people witness it. All six people, even though they saw and heard the exact same thing are going to have six different perceptions on what happened down to the little details. And so the reports to the police officer on that accident are going to vary so much.

Did you know? That's the thing it's, it's true. It's how we operate. We all see and hear and. Take in and process things differently. So even though you think you've been clear about something, you really haven't not to them, you've been clear about it to yourself, because it makes sense to you and you think you've been clear, but to that person, you haven't been very clear, their own perceptions, their own life experiences.

Everything comes in to kind of manipulate what you said into the way that they are able to digest it in their head. It's crazy how our brain works. These people don't need. These things painted for them in their minds, because they're going to end up drawing their own conclusions and judgments either way.

And it will interfere with your relationship with them as well as their relationship with your spouse. It's never a good idea, no matter how wonderful or great your family and friends are. To discuss your marriage with them in any negative way is a bad idea. Don't do it. If you need help, if you need guidance, if you need someone outside of the situation to give you advice.

Don't talk within your circle, stay out of your circles. Find someone, just one person you can trust and always go to also this way. You don't always have to give back history and repeating the same things to catch them up on the situation or whatever. Just one friend, a therapist, a coach, a sponsor, just one person.

Another way that we mess up our relationship there. Negative talk about our spouse. Is that what we say? We believe? And it starts to alter how we think of our spouse, how we relate to them, how we treat them and how we perceive them. Often an innocent little comment. We didn't mean becomes reality. It sticks in our subconscious and it starts to feel and look real.

We believe what we tell ourselves and others, even if it was a joke, it makes our views, feelings and perceptions of our spouse toxic, even if we didn't intend to. So what is left in your marriage? When those brain chemicals are not being released, how do you choose to love, respect? You choose to love them by choosing to respect them, trust them, and be honest with them.

This cycle, reignites, those missing chemicals and they start getting triggered again. The love feeling comes back. And so the cycle goes on. The cycle is going to play out for the rest of your life. With them. The feeling will come and go through the years. The difference is making the choice to love them through respectful ways.

No matter what, taking them into consideration, no matter what, being honest with them, no matter what and trusting them. No matter what, trusting them to be honest with them, my motto, not just in my life, but really with my marriage. And this is something that has really opened up my eyes and taught me a lot.

It helps keep me accountable. It helps keep me actively seeking good choices and making good choices. And that's that old biblical saying? Do unto others, as you would want done unto you. I think that every single time I'm making a choice or decision, I think about it like this. Well, what would I want my husband to do if he were in this situation?

What choice would I want him to make? How would I want him to say this to me? How would I want him to handle this? How would, I want him to bring this to me? How would I feel if he did this to me? How would I feel if he said this to me, that always answers my question and it always clears those gray lines and unknown boundaries and sets me on a path to making the right decisions almost every single time.

And when I get it wrong, I own it take responsibility and clean up my mistake, not with lies, but with honesty and respect. This week, try using that and see how much easier and better things go for you and your marriage. You just might surprise yourself on how disrespectful you really are to your spouse.

See where you're not taking them into consideration as much as you should, how you're being hurtful, being dishonest, being untrustworthy, and not seeing how things are playing out for them. And not only will you start to notice these things. But you'll be fixing the problem all at the same time. I hope you guys all enjoyed this and got a lot out of it.

Again, don't forget to subscribe and rate me, share the podcasts and social media. Tell your friends, your family, whoever about the podcast. You never know whose marriage you can save by mentioning it. I hope you all have a fantastic week. Remember do one to others as you would want done unto you. This is the confident marriage podcast, and I just.