Episode 21: Stay Positive and Don't Obsess: The dangers of Negativity and Obsessive Thoughts In Your Marriage

Your thoughts have tremendous power and must be used responsibly. This week, on The Confident Marriage, Sean and Jessica talk about positive versus negative thoughts about your spouse and how it affects your marriage or relationship. We also layout the differences between healthy reflection and obsessive thinking. How do you know you are having obsessive thoughts and how can you break away from them? Don’t obsess, stay positive, and be confident! Your relationship depends on it!

Episode Transcript

This is the confident marriage podcast. I'm your host, Jessica. And I'm your host, Sean, the no flux, straightforward, real talk, real world experience and practical solutions. We [00:01:00] talk about what no one else will. And we're

Sean: funny everything for your family and relationships from the playroom to the bedroom.

Thank you so much for joining us today.

Jessica: Don't forget to subscribe to the podcast and give us a review. We love hearing from you guys. I know we say that every week, but we really do.

Sean: I know no it tickles us in a special place when we get a little review. So also please visit our website. That's www.theconfidentmarriage.com and you can sign up for our newsletter.

There you get exclusive content. You get early access to our weekly articles and our latest episode.

Jessica: Definitely check out the website. So we have our marriage resources page, right. And it's got books on there that we've read that I highly highly read.

Sean: We've added a couple of cool new things onto the

Jessica: resource page.

We've added some more books and I added games that spark, you know, communication between you two, like communication starters, getting to know each other better. [00:02:00] And. Some fun, sexy, but clean, not raunchy games. Yeah. And you know what else is on our website under the marriage resources page? What else is on there?

That amazing app intimately

Sean: really good app that is going to, especially with Valentine's day coming up, that is going to kickstart your intimacy. So check it out.

Jessica: I love how clean it is. It's not, rhonchi, it's very, very classy, very well put together,

Sean: but detailed enough so that it gives you some interesting ideas.

Jessica: So, so on the app, they give you positions to try, right? But they also have interviews with sex experts. They have the anatomy of the male and the female, which most of us know, but there was actually some stuff on there. I didn't know about me and you, and it helped me understand, like, Your body a little bit better so that I, in your pleasure spots.

And so that was really, really cool. I love the I've been poking around on it. No, and I

Sean: think that's something that people think they know that anatomy of the opposite sex, but when you really get into it, [00:03:00] scientifically as I like to do with everything. Much to the annoyance of my spouse sometimes. Um, there's some stuff that you might find that you didn't know.

And I guess what I like a lot about the website or the app too, is that there's enough content right there that you can get started right away. But there's enough of it also that you can keep going back to it and it doesn't, you don't run out of new material. You're constantly going to be finding new tips in there.

So check it out. It's really cool. Especially with Valentine's day.

Jessica: Yeah, that'll be really cool. Oh, social media. We're on all the major platforms. So we're on Facebook at confident marriage. Twitter seamer and show Instagram confident marriage. And we're also on Pinterest, the confidence.

Sean: Apparently you can listen to our podcast on iHeart radio app.

Also. I didn't know that I'm behind the loop

Jessica: here. Yes. So for those who've been like, I've been listening to you on iHeart radio for like a year. Where have you been Sean? He came home Friday and just like out of the blue, she need to get on [00:04:00] iHeart radio. And I looked at him. I said, we are on I heart radio anywhere.

Everywhere. Pretty much. Yeah. But if you use an app for podcasts and you don't find us on there, will you send me an email? I can get us on there. Jessica, J E S S I C a@thecompetentmarriage.com. Just email me and say, Hey, I can't find you on this or that app. I've had a couple of our listeners and our social media followers tell us, Oh, you're not on this opera that happened.

Then I get to send them a message them back. Okay, great. Thanks.

Sean: We want to be everywhere.

Jessica: Oh, my gosh, you guys. Okay. So the reason why we're switching up, what we're doing this week is because I had someone on Instagram. Talk about. So I had done a post about overthinking and the effects of negative thinking to encourage my followers, to really engage in that positive thinking, the best you can.

And she was just kind of dumbfounded and really struggling with it. So I said, okay. Just for you. [00:05:00] I am doing this podcast this week because I know she isn't the only one. I know that there are tons of people who struggle with this. And I know even at times I do so this week, at times, at times I know. So this week we are going to do overthinking, um, the balance of reflection and overthinking how negative thoughts can impact you in your marriage and the importance of being.

In a positive state of

Sean: mind. Yeah. We're going to talk about the difference between reflective thinking and obsessive thoughts. We're going to talk about how to recognize when you're maybe having obsessive thoughts about something to, or thinking about something to an unhealthy degree. And we're going to talk about the power of positive thoughts can have in your life and the power, conversely, that negative thoughts can have over

Jessica: your life.

I know we've touched on it in other episodes, you know, we've mentioned it here and there, but I think doing an episode dedicated to it. So people really get a good understanding is really helpful.

Sean: Right? No, I agree completely. And I think, [00:06:00] uh, a lot of people struggle with obsessive thinking, especially when there's a betrayal trauma involved and they may not think that how they're feeling is normal and they may not think that there's anything they can do.

Jessica: Yeah. Well, and there, there is a lot, you can do it just. It takes being mindful of your thoughts and what you're doing and finding other ways to think.

Sean: I agree. And then what I want to get into also is, uh, The power of positive thinking. And I know it sounds cheesy and it sounds stupid, but there is science behind it.

There is something to it. There's a reason that the placebo effect has been studied so much. Um, and that's because it's real, it's a real thing. It's not something that people believe is true or think might be true. It's been proven. So it carries over not just in medicine, but with everything in your life.

Yeah. And then the flip side of that is that negative thoughts can have the same effect and. You know, it's like, whatever you put in your [00:07:00] body, food wise and DrinkWise affects your health, right? What you put in your head positive or negative affects your mental health and your outlook, and you kind of create your own

Jessica: reality.

Does that mean that I'm going to turn into a big coffee cup because I drink coffee all the time.

Sean: I would drink you up, girl. I would drink you up.

Jessica: No, but let's start there with negative thoughts because. It's really, really hard when you're mad at your spouse or when you're going through a difficult time in your marriage to keep those positive thoughts going.

And you, you quote unquote, reflect on the things that they're doing and that's normal. But what often happens is when you're not talking about it and you're not communicating about it and you're not understanding one another. You fall into this cycle in your mind of this constant negative thoughts about your spouse and what it is you don't like that [00:08:00] they're doing, or what you're mad at them about.

And it starts to play out in your relationship with them and to take it a step further, you even end up creating your own world. What you think ends up happening? So you're mad at your spouse for, let's say not washing the dishes before they put them in the dishwasher. I don't know where you came up

with

Jessica: that example.

And you're, you know, you're, you're so frustrated and upset about it. And so your spouse goes to put a dish in the dishwasher and all of them are clean, but one you, your spouse goes to put that one dirty dishes when all of them are clean and there it is. See I told in, so you've all ready. Created a situation where you're already upset.

You're already angry. Those negative thoughts have already been going through your mind. So you kind of exaggerate to it.

Sean: And, you know, what's going to happen then is you're going to have that negative thought in your head. And it's going to kind of sit there and especially if you're not talking about [00:09:00] it, then it's going to turn over and turn over and you're going to start.

So maybe you have that thought and you decide it's not worth bringing up to my spouse. I'm not going to let it affect our relationship. But in reality, it's in your head. And next time you see your spouse, maybe snap at them a little bit more because it's in the back of your mind. Maybe you. Stop doing some of the things you're doing because, you know, subconsciously you're trying to even out the playing field and settle the scorecard, but it does start to affect how you treat them.

And, you know, I talk about it in my article, on our website this week. Uh, It's a subconscious process and you can't really stop it. You might think you can, but it's gonna, it's gonna process out in your head that way, whether you're trying to or not, it, it happens unconsciously. We can't control that. What we can control is how that process plays out.

Right.

Jessica: Right. Well, and the other thing is you start looking for evidence to confirm your thoughts and your beliefs, [00:10:00] which validate it. Right? And so that continues the cycle of, you know, this never ending resentment, this anger inside your mind, towards your spouse. So does that mean that then you just, you don't ever have.

Problems with your spouse. You never have disagreements, or you, you just always accept the way that they do things. No,

Sean: you have to talk about the things that are going wrong, but when you're finding yourself dwelling on those things, it starts to color your reality. You know, one of my favorite sayings perception is reality.

How you perceive things is what becomes your reality. So thoughts have power just as other things in our universe have power. You know, and there are things that can help and things that can hurt. And, you know, some examples might be modern medicine and, you know, wealth, they can help you. Right. Um, some things that can hurt would be maybe weapons or [00:11:00] toxic behaviors, right?

A lot of these things have the duality to them that they could help or hurt a lot of money can help. You know, if it's used for a noble purpose to help the poor or to help your family. But it can also lead to greed and pride and selfishness and even modern medicine, you know, can help so many people healed them and treat diseases, but some things in modern medicine can lead to substance abuse or unethical things like, you know, experimentation, whatever.

So I, I kind of liken it to, to the power of the atom, right? So you have all this contained energy that if you use it for one purpose, it can produce all this clean. Safe cheap energy that we can use to better our lives, but use it a little differently and you can destroy an entire city with it. Thoughts are very much the same.

They hold power. They're there there's substance to them, even though it doesn't seem like it because their thoughts. [00:12:00] So you have to be careful with how you use your thoughts and what you put in your head. So if you're having negative thoughts about your spouse, And if you find yourself dwelling on the negative, which is easy to do because the negatives tend to stand out.

The negatives tend to stand out because they heard us, or they become a hindrance to our day, our life, our relationship. And so they stand out for us and they stick. They have more of an effect. Than the positives do. So we start to get these negative things turning in our head. We're thinking negative things about our spouse.

We're focusing on what they did wrong. Then that turns into he always, she always, she never, he never, and, and next thing we know we're talking to friends and family in a negative way about our spouse. And next thing you know, we're treating our spouse poorly. We're treating them as if they're the enemy treating them as if they're a terrible person.

Whereas if we're. Thinking positively of our spouse, if we're focusing on their good qualities, if we're [00:13:00] being appreciative of them and what they bring to the relationship that starts to affect how we treat them, which in turn will affect how they treat

Jessica: us exactly. Well. And when we were going through our first time, I remember one of the most valuable things that I learned was that.

Negative energy, negative thoughts, negative behaviors, negative actions, negative words. They all have. If they had substance, they have a heavier substance than positive. So while it takes more positive to reverse or to undo negative, it takes smaller amounts of negative. To overthrow the positive. Does that make sense?

Sean: I think it's like that in almost everything in the world. You know, when, when you have someone who's done incredibly bad things in a country or to a people, you know, it takes a lot [00:14:00] longer to get back on track and you can usually derail something pretty quickly. And it usually takes quite a bit longer to get it back on track.

Jessica: So I know that this might sound very familiar for a lot of people, the, a comment or a statement. Along the lines of, you know, I've done all these things, but I do one bad thing. I do one thing wrong and you were upset with me. Yeah. It's because it's quite literally, if it could be measured and they've done studies on this, if these things could be measured in substance negative things have heavier weight have heavier impacts than the positive.

So imagine that in your mind. Just a couple of those negative things are going to overshadow and take over the positive. And that's one of the reasons why we get so stuck in those negative thoughts, and it becomes such a vicious cycle and it kind of takes over and overrides all the positive [00:15:00] about somebody.

And we have to be aware of that because it makes things seem so much worse than they really are. Yeah.

Sean: And I would also put out there that, you know, of so many successful people in the world, whether it be an entertainment or sports or business or personal health, whatever, they almost every single one of them attribute positive thinking to one of the key strategies in achieving that success.

So there must be something to it. If all those people can agree on that. And conversely. People that are mired in problems and who are unsuccessful in their life. Usually in going through therapy and working out what the problem was, a lot of them find, you know, an addiction as well, that negative thought processes and negative thinking had a big part in their inability to succeed.

Move ahead. Right.

Jessica: Exactly. So that's one of the reasons why I wanted to talk [00:16:00] about this is because it can kind of be. Almost an addiction. You can get really, really addicted to those negative thoughts and get really stuck in that cycle. And that's one of the reasons why it's so hard to pull out of this cycle is because it's so heavy.

Once you're in it, it's almost like you can't get out. And it does release chemicals in your brain that are very similar, not quite the same and not to the degree of addiction. But it really does. It can become obsessive. And so, um, if anybody has heard of obsessive compulsive disorder thinking is a part of that and that that can develop when you're stuck in those cycles.

So you've gotta be really aware of the thoughts that you're having about your spouse, right. And

Sean: they call them obsessive thoughts for a reason. Right. And it does become a. Becomes like a runaway train at some point where it's just kind of feeding on itself and gathering steam and go [00:17:00] in and go in. And then at some point it kind of takes on a life of its own.

It does become almost impossible to stop and really hard to break yourself away from those. And yeah, there's a lot of similarities to addiction 

Jessica: and so, but reflection. Reflections really healthy, because that's how you learn where your boundaries have been crossed, or you are able to assess situations and what's happened and, um, get a clear idea of how you really feel about it or to what degree the situation is impacting you.

So, you know, sometimes there can be something that happens in a marriage where we have a disagreement. And in the moment, it seems all encompassing, but then when we step back and we reflect on it and we really look at it like, gosh, I'm kind of being silly about this because this isn't really that big of a deal.

I, I must've had other things going on. That's healthy. We shouldn't be doing that. Or maybe we look [00:18:00] back on the situation and say, no, I. I'm really upset that he snapped at me for putting one dirty dish in the dishwasher. It wasn't that big of a deal. And I was really, really busy. And, you know, I'm, I'm really upset about that though.

That's healthy reflection. So if you guys noticed Sean and I do, we, we banter with one another and we pick on each other, but we also use our real marriage examples because like we always say, we've been there, we've done that. And we wake go through things just like you do. And so.

Sean: She gets mad at me all the time for leaving dishes in the sink and not putting them in the dishwasher right away.

Or like, I'll tell her, well, I need to soak it for a little bit. And then it sits there for a day and a half. I think it's soaked good enough for now. And then I get mad at her because she, I don't think she knows how to load a dishwasher. She just kind of throw everything in there. You do.

Jessica: I will not deny

Sean: it.

I do. I'll leave my clothes in a pile in the bathroom for her to put in the dirty laundry. And instead of putting them in there myself and she [00:19:00] will. If she could, she'd shove a grand piano into the tiny, garbage in the garage and just leave it sticking out on top and go F screw a channel, get it. Okay. But we bring that stuff up to let you know, we, we say all the time, we don't have a perfect marriage.

We don't not fight. It would be weird if we didn't fight. Yeah. What would we do if we didn't fight? I don't know. It would be like children or the corn or the Stepford wives or something. Those are probably both references that no one will get because they're too old.

Jessica: Well, You know, there are times where I can obsess obsessively, think about those things that I have to bring it back.

And I get so, so mad at you. I'm like that dish had a piece of toast on it. What does it need to soak for? And I could dwell on that. Like he just left it there because he didn't want to put it in the dishwasher himself and he's lazy. And I can do that more than quinoa. But then I'll just kind of bring it back and I'll put the stupid dish in the dishwasher, even though I'd had a couple of pieces of crumbs on it, what's there to soak and I'll jokingly poke at Sean for it.

So you left this for me, didn't ya.

Sean: And then, you [00:20:00] know, if I am in a healthy place I'll self-reflect and realize that, you know what I. Probably was a little lazy leaving that one dish in there. I could have just scrubbed it, put it in the dishwasher. Yeah. Sorry baby.

Jessica: Hmm. So how do you break yourself out of that cycle?

And that's what we're going to talk about next is breaking yourself out of that cycle and finding yourself in a place that your reflecting and thinking and having good thoughts about your spouse and how those can help you. So. When you're aware of it when you cop to it and say, you know what? Yeah, I probably nag at my spouse a little too much in my head and I get a little too upset in my head too much.

And I, I dwell on these things in my mind too much. That's the first step is realizing that you do it and at least submitting to yourself, even if it's nobody else that yeah. I can work on the way that I think about my spouse. So,

Sean: what are some of the signs to know when you're [00:21:00] getting a little more into the area of obsessive thoughts, as opposed to reflection or just normal being annoyed by something they did

Jessica: when you're not talking about these things with your spouse and you're keeping them in your head and they're continuously building on

Sean: themselves.

So if it's something that is turning over in your head on a fairly regular basis and you haven't talked about it.

Jessica: Yeah. And one of the rules that I have. Is that

Sean: you must rinse the dishes

Jessica: and put them in the dishwasher. One of the roles that I have is I kind of, I don't know, maybe I'm a little too Ruley, but the rule of three.

Okay. So the first time it happens, uh, okay. I'm going to let it go. Okay. The second time it happens. It's like, okay, let's mention it a little bit. Okay. Like, Hey Sean, you left the dishes in the dishwasher or in the sink. Could you please make sure you rent someone, put them in the dishwasher for me, I'm really busy.

Okay. Then you let it go. And then if it comes up again, you know, it's a problem. [00:22:00] And that's, that's one of the ways that, you know, so if you're not bringing them up and you're just keeping them in your head and they keep coming up for you, you're building on them and you're allowing the cycle to start. So the rule of three.

Okay. So if you're not seeing this communication with your spouse and you're letting the things sit in your mind, and you're constantly thinking about them and you're constantly going over them in your head and you even find yourself snapping at your spouse or more negative thoughts are starting to accumulate in your head about more things that they're doing.

You know, that it's a problem, you know, that you're not. Discussing them. And so they're, they're creating a cycle in your mind of negative thoughts. So if

Sean: things aren't being talked about, then you're internalizing them. And then so naturally they're turning over and over in your head and they become those obsessive thoughts, which self-reflection is coming back to something periodically, right.

Reflection is coming back to something periodically to make sure you got everything out of it. Make sure you don't feel [00:23:00] different about it. Now, obsessive thoughts is when you're. When it's coming up for you all day long, when it's coming up multiple times a day, when it's affecting your mood

Jessica: or your interactions with your spouse, right?

Yeah. Or the way that you talk about your spouse to others. I talk

Sean: about that in my article.

Jessica: Yeah. So now that you've identified that you're in a cycle of negative thinking, um, especially when you have more negative thoughts than you do positive that's, that's another one that I didn't mention. Yeah. So if, if your thoughts are more negative than positive, you know, that you're stuck in that cycle.

So a couple of ways to, to get out of that and kind of start the ball rolling in a different direction is, as I said, number one, recognizing that you're doing it. Number two, making sure that you're using the rule of three. And so you're bringing it up to your spouse to get it out of your mind because the longer you keep it in there, the more it's going to build right.

When you let it out and you talk about it, you kind [00:24:00] of. Take the power away from it in your mind. And you have the opportunity. I don't know if any of you have been in a situation like this, but let's say you, your spouse said, Oh, you just look snazzy today. And you took that as you look really funny, or the outfit you were wearing was awful.

Right. And so you don't say anything about it, but you just kind of, you're internally upset about it. You're like, wow. W w what's wrong with what I'm wearing? And then a couple of days later, you go to put the outfit on and you say, well, I know you don't like it, but I'm going to wear it because I like it.

I'm like, what are you talking about? I don't like it. And you're like, well, that comment you made the other day. And they're like, no, I was just, it was a goofy way of saying I actually kinda liked it. I was just being silly with you. Had you brought it up in that moment? Your spouse would have been able to clarify what they meant by it or where they were going with it.

And you could have completely dodged that whole couple of days of [00:25:00] building it in your mind about the comment that they made. It's become more than it was. Right. And so when you get it, when you open up about it and you talk about it, you're able to kind of. Either understand what, why you're thinking the way that you do.

So if Sean had left the dish in the sink and I had asked him why, and he said, Oh, there was a lot of cheese on it. Maybe I wouldn't have been so mad at him because there was melted cheese on the plate, but instead I kept my mouth shut and I allowed it to build in my head. So there's another way that you can stop those negative thoughts is actually communicating them because they may not be what you think they are in your head.

We tell ourselves these stories, it's not because we're crazy or weird. We're human beings. We tell ourselves these stories of what happened in our head. And we come to this conclusion that that's what happened. And then we get mad about it. And then later find out that we were completely wrong about the story we told.

Sean: Well, again, that's perception is reality, right?

Jessica: So another way that you can break this [00:26:00] negative thinking cycle is pay attention to how much you're comparing. Are you comparing yourself to other people? Are you comparing your spouse to other spouses? This can get really, really tricky because we see these people on a superficial level and we can see these wonderful things that these spouses do for their husband or their wife.

And we can get jealous or wish that we had a marriage like that, but we can't see what's really going on behind closed doors. And so we're comparing our spouse to something that's a really unfair comparison because not only do we really not know how they really are, but our spouse has positive and wonderful traits and qualities.

That that person may not have.

Sean: Yeah. Comparing a really dangerous thing in a relationship. And it's really unfair. And it usually comes about because [00:27:00] one, because one or both of the partners are feeling disconnected and they're starting to fall victim to that. The grass is green greener kind of thing. And they, we don't know what kind of faults those people have and what kind of.

Demons, they may be struggling with, we don't know if they're really like that and it's not fair to our spouse. So instead of focusing on other people and wishing your spouse was more like them, you know, maybe take some time to focus on what good isn't it.

Jessica: So there's a story that comes to mind when I was working full time.

And there was this woman and she would get a dozen beautiful roses for every single occasion. And it would be accompanied with balloons and chocolates, and then he'd show up to take her out to lunch. And it was just this, this grand parade of every single occasion and every single woman in that office, [00:28:00] including me, was so jealous of her.

And we were like, Oh, Oh, and after they'd leave for lunch, I wish my husband would do that. And there were even a couple of times that I came home and I told Sean the story and how sweet it was. And, you know, just kinda hinting at him that I wanted him to do that. For me. It turned out a year later that he was physically abusing her and cheating on her.

It was tragic and horrible. Not to say that people who do all these wonderful things are that kind of person. But the point here is you don't know what's really going

Sean: on. It's not a fair comparison. And I think what I'd like to say on it is don't compare your spouse to other people. It's it's okay to point out.

Good qualities that other people have that maybe you'd like your spouse to take on or improve in and looking to role models is, is [00:29:00] healthy, but don't compare your spouse to other people in a negative way can maybe compare your spouse to the expectations that you and your spouse have for themselves, you know, compare your spouse to how they.

Have they expressed that they want to be and how you've discussed that you want your relationship to be? That's a fair comparison.

Jessica: Yeah, there was nothing wrong with me coming home and saying, Hey, Sean, I'd love it. If he would do this for one

Sean: or two dozen roses, one Valentine's day at work he did.

Jessica: But. I could have taken it to a whole nother level of being in my mind thinking, well, my husband doesn't love me as much as her husband does.

And my husband isn't that romantic and he's never done any and I could've taken it. And we all know what I'm talking about. Maybe not those exact same situations, but we all know how we take those comparisons and then resent our spouse for not being that kind of person. And so our spouse, they have their positive and they have their negative traits and they work for us.

[00:30:00] And that's why you're married is essentially when you marry someone, you marry someone that you can put up with their, with their negatives and their flaws, and that you love their positives. That really is part of a marriage.

Sean: Or that you can trust and believe that they're going to work on those flaws that you maybe can't live with in the

Jessica: moment.

Right. And so there's in the long-term I guess there's another, there's another person I know. And well, this person has amazing qualities about them. Some of their flaws. I couldn't, I couldn't do. And I wouldn't know about those if I didn't know this person, so well, But I sometimes I'm like cutting, you know, they're, they're really great at being a spouse in this area.

And then they. They some of their flaws come out and I'm thinking, I don't, I don't know. I don't know how they do it because I couldn't do that. I know who you're talking about, but then I'm sure that there's other spouses that Sean feels the same way. Like, you know yeah. That person's got some really great traits and [00:31:00] qualities, but.

You know, there's traits about her that I just, I couldn't do. And, but for their spouse, it works. So what I'm seeing here is, is their spouse is going to have negatives and positives and other people are going to have negatives and positives, but you don't know how well those negative and positives are going to work for you.

So don't compare because you just don't know. No,

Sean: everybody is going to be a mix of positive and negative traits. And as Jess said, it's, it's finding out what works best for you. And it. It matters, what they're willing to work on and all of that. You're not going to find anyone that's completely positive traits.

And if you do then. Something's going on, something's wrong there. And you're not going to find anyone with all negative traits. And if you're with someone, when you can honestly reflect and, and practice self honesty and objectivity, and you find that the person you're with is just got a majority [00:32:00] of negative traits.

Maybe you need to rethink being with that person. But. If, if they're like most people and they're a mix of positive and negative, and you find yourself spending a lot of time thinking about the negative traits they have, and you find yourself not thinking about the positive traits they have, and you find yourself speaking poorly of them to others.

And even if it's done in a day joking way, Whoa, my wife, she nags me and you know, or, Oh my husband, he never gets me flowers. You know, I would challenge you to put that aside. No matter how you feel and try for a couple of days to only bring up the things that you appreciate about them, the things that you like about them, the things that are their strengths and focus on those things.

And I think you'll find that your relationship will start to change. You'll start to miss them more. You'll start to look forward to seeing them, and you'll start to become happier when they're around. And I would be willing to bet that even if they're not practicing that with you, [00:33:00] you practicing it with them will change how they treat you as well.

Yeah.

Jessica: Exactly. So that's a really powerful tool to break yourself out of that habit is, is reminding yourself of all their positive traits and the things that you love about them and focus on that. Switch gears when you're in your mind about the negatives and say, you know what, I'm not going to think about my spouse in that way.

I am going to think about the wonderful things about my spouse. I'm going to think about how, even though he doesn't put the dishes in the dishwasher, he helps me clean up the kitchen every time after dinner. And that is a big task. And I'm so grateful. I'm going to think about how he works three hours from home.

And works a hard, hard job and then comes home and jumps right in with me and the kids where he could just come home and say, I'm beat because he is and lay on the couch and fell asleep. Wait, that's an option. It should. It is. But I'm going to think about all the wonderful things that he does and you know, what happens is those negative thoughts start to disappear.

[00:34:00] And I start to become more tolerant of his flaws and I become less naggy towards him. And you know what. He starts feeling more loved and appreciated. And he notices my disposition and my attitude and the way that I'm talking and treating him is different. So he softens up to me and his thoughts start changing.

It's like, God, you know, she not, she's not on my shit as much as she has been the last few days. And she's been really loving and understanding of me and well, and

Sean: I think when you're hearing how much someone appreciates you, you automatically. Think, you know, wow. They really appreciate me. You know what? I didn't think of a lot of reasons.

I appreciate them too. They're telling me all this stuff. Maybe I need to let

Jessica: them know. Yeah. So it's, it, it definitely, it. It can transfer from person to another. It's something that they can pick up on and it can change their mood and their behavior and the way that they interact with you. Maybe not immediately, no, it could take a couple days or a couple of weeks, but they will eventually be [00:35:00] like, Oh my, Oh my gosh.

And, and we all know this to be true. When, when we're at the grocery store and someone cuts us off and you know, they, you know, start screaming and yelling at us. What are we going to do? Usually. We're going to get a little bit of, no, we're usually going to get a little bit of an attitude with them and be like, geez, what's their problem.

They're the ones who cut me off in line. Now take that same situation and someone cuts you off and then turns around and says, Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. I didn't realize you were there. Where's the end of the line. You're more likely to be like, Oh yeah, no, it's great. It's right over there. But you only have one thing.

Go ahead. You see what I'm saying? Yeah.

Sean: And I want to say too, we're not advocating that you just completely ignore. Your spouse has bad qualities and just never asked them to work on anything. Pretend like they don't exist, take all their shit. And you know, just only focus on the good, the bad qualities matter.

And they do need to be worked on or talked about if they're hurting you or whatever, even if it's something that you tolerate [00:36:00] from them, they're going to hurt you with it from time to time. And you needed to talk about that. So we're not advocating, just forget all the negativity, ignore it and just focus on the good, you know, you gotta.

No, you gotta be mindful

Jessica: of all of it when you're focusing on having those positive thoughts and not allowing yourself to dwell on the negative, you're able to handle those situations better and in a healthier way. And you're able to communicate better.

Sean: I always nod my head as if they can see me on the podcast,

Jessica: but they can't.

So it's really, it's really important just to be mindful of those thoughts, because even the things that are a problem in you do need to work on. Having that positive mindset really helps you deal with them a heck of a lot better than having that negative mindset. I would agree completely. So another way that you can change the way that you're thinking about your spouse is affirmations about your spouse.

When you find yourself stuck in those negative thoughts. Force yourself to start thinking positives. And I kind of said [00:37:00] this, but I want to reiterate it. So start telling yourself about all the wonderful things that they do and all the ways that you love them. Think about the first time that you guys met the first time you kissed, make sure that you're forcing yourself to, to get in that direction.

And you're correcting that behavior as it comes, because the more you correct that. Negative thinking behavior, the easier it's going to be in the long run, it's just like breaking a habit. It's just like breaking a habit. You have to number one, realize you're doing it. And number two, stop the behavior.

And number three, do the opposite. So making sure I'm in your head, just telling yourself over and over the positive things about your spouse and getting yourself in the habit of not going that direction every time. And

Sean: so maybe you're not realizing that this is a problem for you. But in to put it in a way that maybe is easier to understand.

There are some of us who can start to feel negative about our jobs. And we get up in the [00:38:00] morning and we're like, I don't want to go in, Oh, it's going to be a bad day. And then there's traffic. And you're like, Oh, I knew it was going to be a bad day. Now it's even worse. And then you get there and you can't find your pen and Oh God, here goes the day.

And then your boss says something snappy to you. And. All of a sudden, all you're thinking about is all these negatives going on and you're kind of thinking it into reality and the day keeps getting worse and worse. I don't know. Have you guys ever noticed that when you start to have a bad day and you start focusing on the fact that it's a bad day, it just seems to get worse and worse from there.

So, you know, that can happen. And you know, next thing you know, with all that, you're miserable in your job and you don't want to be there and that can happen in your relationship as well. Yeah, it's the same kind of dynamic and you use the same kind of tools to break it. You, you know, we like, I like to say, you know, be grateful, change your mindset, look at what you have to be grateful for.

Change your mindset. Start looking at what you have to be happy about and grateful for and positive about in your relationship.

[00:39:00] Jessica: So another way that you can keep yourself from going down, the negative thought cycle is stay out of the past. The past is the past. And even if there are things that are still reoccurring, you can't continue to dwell on something that has already happened, especially if you've already talked about it and gone over it and came to a resolution on it.

So it's really important to stay out of the past and stay in the present. And if it's a problem right now, then it's a problem right now. But bringing up old stuff, especially in your head. Really sets you up for a really negative thought cycle. And you don't want to do that, that you

Sean: recognize as far as the past goes, that if it's something that's been talked about and there's been work done on it, and you're in a different place, now that that's your reality.

Now the past is not your reality. Now, if the problem is still going on and it's being ignored, then obviously it still needs to be talked about. But yeah. [00:40:00] Staying in the present be in the reality that you're actually in.

Jessica: Right. And then the last one that I wanted to give you guys, I saved the best for last lots of physical connection.

Oh, I like

Sean: that. We need more of that right now.

Jessica: So connection really does do wonders for our mental state and the way that we feel about another person. If you've noticed, we naturally physically. And emotionally, but mainly physically pull away from someone when we're not having positive thoughts about them.

If you engage yourself into being physical with your partner, Touching their arm, giving them a hug, cuddling with them, increase your amount of intimacy. You're going to find that you're naturally going to be not just releasing the dopamine and the serotonin and making yourself feel good, but you're going to be creating a bond and you're going to be creating positive feelings, oxytocin, oxytocin, [00:41:00] positive feelings, which leads to positive thoughts.

So when you're stuck in that cycle, Go give your spouse a hug and kiss them, go sit next to them and cuddle, or she do more of that increase that physical connection because that alone will really, really help you out of those negative thoughts that you're going through. It'll override it. You're

Sean: absolutely right.

And it'll help both of you out in that rubber hair, rubber feet. She can rub your back

Jessica: for a minute. I thought you said like rubber hair. Like I have rubber hair, like rub her hair, rubber hair. It's like what? My hair looks like rubber. It looks really

Sean: good.

Jessica: So they're really the biggest takeaway I want you guys to get out of this is that you do create your reality with your thoughts, whether you realize it or not really being mindful of what you're thinking.

Is really, really important, create a reality that you want create that happy reality you want starting with the way that you think that's the biggest [00:42:00] takeaway.

Sean: My biggest takeaway is that there's no such thing as rubber hair. I'm just kidding. I want everybody to remember that thoughts have power and like anything that has power, they need to be used responsibly and you need to use them in the right way.

That has a. That has a positive effect on those around you as well as yourself. Yeah. And just remember what you put in your head is what becomes your reality, whether that's the lies we tell ourself or social media or popular culture or negative thoughts about our spouse or truth and positive thoughts about our spouse and positive energy around ourself.

Yeah. That becomes our reality.

Jessica: It does. So you have the ability to create your reality. You have the ability to change your marriage just with the way that you're thinking. Of course there's other work that needs to be done, but that is an amazing story. Remember, you're going

Sean: to spend more time in your head than anywhere else in the world, in your life.

You're [00:43:00] going to spend more time there than anywhere else. Make it a nice place, especially if you're me make it a nice, happy place.

Jessica: There's rainbows and unicorns in there. And I'm putting other things probably. And I have this vision of me having purple, rubber hair, rubber hair,

Sean: wrap it up. Rubber hair. I'm

Jessica: rapid.

I hope you guys have a great week. Don't forget. Focus on positive thoughts, positive thoughts. You can find us on Facebook ads, the confident marriage, Twitter, the see marriage show and Instagram confident marriage. Our website is www.theconfidentmarriage.com. Please, don't forget to check out those marriage resources

Sean: to our newsletter.

So you can get all this stuff early, too. Yeah. Yeah. Because the articles that we write go hand in hand with the

Jessica: podcast. Yeah. And you can do that on our website as well.

Sean: Check out the exciting new stuff we have on our resource page. Yeah. And if you're doing our workshop, we're really proud of you guys keep [00:44:00] plugging away at it.

It only gets better from here.

Jessica: Until next week, this is the confident marriage podcast

Sean: for joining us this week. .