Accountibility In Marriages
Words of Wisdom: Weekly wit from the man who's done (almost) everything wrong!
By: Sean Weeks
Hello and welcome to the very first installment of WOW (no, not World of Warcraft) Words of Wisdom, a weekly column by Sean, co-host of The Confident Marriage Podcast. I will be offering weekly insight, tips, and advice on relationships related to the topics covered by our podcast. As you know, we are in the middle of a three-part series on infidelity. This week's show focuses on healing for the one who's trust has been broken, whether by an affair or any other betrayal. In this offering, I would like to discuss something that is Incredibly vital and an important part of the healing process.
If you have broken your spouse's trust, they must be healed and trust must be rebuilt for the relationship to continue. As the breaker of trust, it is solely your responsibility to foster this. The most important way you can start to do this is called accountability or can be referred to as transparency. What is accountability? It is the act of SHOWING, not just saying where you are, what you are doing, what you are, no-longer doing, who you are with, proving that you are a person of your word. You are, in effect, taking all the unknowns that come along with a breach of trust out of the equation to give your spouse room to heal from the trauma that you (yes, you) caused and it IS your responsibility. It requires a great deal of situational awareness and anticipation of what could come up or seem unknown to your partner. It is a commitment that must be upheld at all times for a period after the betrayal, and that period could vary depending on the situation and person. Let's go through a few ways this could be accomplished to kick-start the healing.
First, it should come from you, before it's asked for. This alone will build trust and show your commitment to healing and change. First, find all your accounts. Social media, credit cards, emails, apps, everything, even if it's something that seems harmless like your log-in for Roblox. Sit down and share ALL of them with your partner and give them all your passwords. Yes, ALL your passwords. Don't leave any of them out. Show them that you have nothing to hide anymore and that they don't need to dig. Again, I can't emphasize enough, I mean EVERYTHING! One thing Jess and I did was to close all my email accounts and open one that we share and that became the only one I had.
Next, unlock your phone. Remove any passwords you have on it, and if you have to have one on there for work or something, make sure your partner has access. Leave your phone out in the open when you're not using it. Hold it in a place where they can see the screen when you are using it. If it is at all possible, don't use it when your partner isn't there. These are all things that I had to do and I continue to do so out of habit now. It really isn't as much of an inconvenience as it sounds, people. Consider using an accountability program on your phone and computer. One good one is Covenant Eyes. Especially if there has been infidelity, seriously consider closing your social media accounts, or better yet, share accounts. Share one Instagram account. Share a Facebook page. Be transparent. Make your partner a part of all you do. They are the person you’ve decided to spend the rest of your life with, they should be a part of it all anyway. Period.
Make sure that your time is accounted for. If you leave to go to the grocery store and your partner is at work, call or text them to let them know. If you are delayed coming home from work because of a traffic accident, call or text. Give your spouse a rundown of what you are doing and include a time frame. Make sure they know where you are, who you are with, and what you are doing AT ALL TIMES. Talk to them on the way to work, on your breaks, and on the way home. Be consistent and try to stick to the same routine. Take as much unknown out of the equation as you can. They will worry less about what you are doing, and you can use this time to connect. Avoid situations that may make your spouse uncomfortable, maybe the gym or certain friends. Talk to them about what these situations may be. Start and keep an open dialogue about these things. Be the one to show the initiative.
As we say all the time, each person and situation is different, so be proactive and think about what you would need to do to make your partner comfortable. Learn to anticipate what will be needed, when, and to what degree. They are going to define the scope of the accountability that THEY need. YOU need to provide it willingly. This will show them your level of commitment to the healing process and change. I know all this seems like a lot, of work, of time, but it is essential to heal from betrayal and it is your responsibility to provide as much safety to your partner as is possible. This is all about taking the guesswork and unknowns out of your partner’s mind. It will take a lot of effort, but if it’s done right and consistently, it will not be needed forever.
Remember, accountability is solely your responsibility. Take the initiative, don’t wait until it is asked for. Include your partner in ALL things. Be transparent with your accounts, social media, your phone, etc. Be consistent. Communicate the who, what, where, when, and why’s. Lastly, be COMMITED. All this will help build trust, lead to healing, and help to reestablish connection between the two of you.
I truly hope this helps. Thank you for reading and thank you for listening. Make sure you tune in for parts two and three of our series on infidelity and keep listening! As always, be good to each other and have a CONFIDENT marriage! It all begins with an idea. Maybe you want to launch a business. Maybe you want to turn a hobby into something more. Or maybe you have a creative project to share with the world. Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.
Want more? Listen to the episode “Healing Your Spouse and Yourself After You Have Had an Affair”