Forgiveness is one of the most difficult things to do. When someone hurts us, especially someone we love, we want to be heard, understood and we need reassurance that it won't happen again. Although deep down we know that nothing is guaranteed and everything in life is a gamble, we still long for that reassurance. We long for the guarantee of a safe place that assures us we won't be hurt like that again. We need to feel secure moving forward. This is understandable because security and safety are among the top tier needs a human must have to survive, along with food, air, water, and love. This is often an unconscious and unrealistic expectation we have that we are unable to pinpoint and identify or to fully understand in those moments of hurt or pain. Yet, it is the driver in our decision to forgive or not to forgive. Isn’t that the question?
Pride, yes, our pride, this is one of humanity’s longest enemies and self-sabotaging allies. It can keep us from forgiving others and even cause us to do things in response to the hurt that we later regret or end up hurting us even more in the long run. Pride is activated when some realization, whether true or not, has punctured our beliefs, reality, or the mirror we see ourselves in. It is a deep wound people have a hard time reconciling with. For centuries pride has been the driver in some of the most devastating events in history. From Roman times to today, from wars to acts of violence, to genocide to terrorist attacks and even politics and religion. Pride can turn even the most moral person into a self-serving, harmful monster.
Forgiveness is a broad term. When we think of the word forgiveness, often what comes to mind are feelings associated with other variations of the word such as tolerance, pardon, exonerate, discharge, and condoning. Due to this association, we run the other direction from forgiveness because we often associate it with accepting and being ok with what the other person has done. Perhaps, we even think we are giving them consent to do it again or that we will allow the situation to take place moving forward while we look the other way.
Instead, let’s look at forgiveness in the form of grace. Grace is associated with feelings and thoughts like poise, elegance, civility, honor, and dexterity. We are taking forgiveness and using it in the form of grace, which then changes the purpose and general meaning of forgiveness entirely. Instead of condoning and allowing the hurt from the person, we are using forgiveness to change the behavior, our relations, and our feelings associated with the act.
When we choose to forgive while we are still hurt, we take the power back in the situation and create an upper hand. This is the poise. We then allow forgiveness to hold our pride and humility in check, this is the honor. When we are able to gain control over our actions, reactions, and behaviors with the other person, setting firm and loving boundaries with them, this is elegance. Finally, this allows us to move forward in a way that is healthy and that is prosperous for us, this is dexterity.
Some might say that when we choose to forgive someone even when they don’t deserve it we are doing it for our own good, our self-care, and for our own healing. This would be entirely true when we look at forgiveness in the form of grace. Without forgiveness, it is impossible for the hurt to heal. We cannot learn fromit or grow from these situations. When we talk about forgiveness in the form of grace we are allowing for a change to take place inside us as well as the other person. We are opening up the possibility to teach them how to treat us without allowing the resentment, anger, frustration, and sadness to take over and dictate our reactions and behaviors like a puppet. We are taking the power back in our lives and in the situation. Although all those words are just superficial feelings that we identify with. They are not the real, deep-rooted feelings actually happening underneath but that is another topic I will talk about another time.
When you face an affair with your husband or wife, actually any breach of trust for that matter, the idea of forgiveness can seem unspeakable and often unthinkable. How inconceivable that you would forgive such an act of dishonor in your marriage that disrespected you, your home, family, and life. While that is true and you are entitled to those feelings (yes, it is valid and I will never tell you that you are wrong to feel that way), how you proceed will make all the difference in the world. It will completely change how it impacts you, your healing, and allows you to make healthy choices and the best choices for you and those around you moving forward without being clouded. The question isn’t if you stay and fight for the marriage or go. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you stay, forgiveness means you fight for yourself allowing you to move forward in grace whatever you decide to do.
Yes, forgiveness is for you and you will be the one to reap the rewards from it tenfold over the person to whom you granted forgiveness.
Want more? Listen to the episode “Healing when your spouse has had an affair”