Words of Wisdom: Weekly wit from the man who's done (almost) everything wrong!
By: Sean Weeks
Some things in our universe have the power to help-modern medicine, technology, healthy living, wealth-these all have the potential to do tremendous good in life. Some things, on the other hand, have the ability to hurt. Weapons, addictive drugs, toxic traits like greed or pride, disease-these can all do tremendous harm. Then, there are some things that do both, and if not used responsibly, instead of helping, they hurt. Most of these things have the dual power to do either, depending on how they are used. Weapons can protect the innocent or kill out of malice. Modern medicine can heal the sick or lead to substance abuse. Wealth can be used for noble purpose or for selfish indulgence. Look at the power of the atom. Nuclear power can produce extremely cheap, pollution-free energy. It can also be used to destroy entire cities at a time. Talk about an extreme dichotomy!
Much like the incredible power contained in the atom which can create or destroy, so, too do our minds hold immense power over our reality. We have the power within our minds to create our own reality and shape it with our perceptions. This is how a tragic event can, for one person, become the catalyst for personal growth, perseverance, and success, while for another, it can break them and drag them down into a pit of despair they never climb out of. The power of positive thought is listed by a vast majority of ultra-successful people as one of the keys to their triumph in life, business, entertainment, and so on. The opposite of positive thinking, however, which can be labeled as pessimism or negativity, is a consistent theme in the lives of unsuccessful individuals and those with addictive behaviors or a history of failures in careers or personal relationships. There is a reason that the “placebo effect” has been studied so exhaustively. The reason is that it is real, and not just for medicine.
Our thoughts and perceptions have a profound effect on our world, and that holds especially true for relationships and our spouse. How we treat our spouse is colored by our perceptions and the thoughts we CHOOSE to hold in our minds about them. This is a subconscious process-it is not something we can help but we can control which way the process goes. If we are constantly focusing on the negative aspects of our spouse, if we spend too much time thinking of what they do wrong, if we take for granted all the good things they possess, these thoughts will unconsciously cause us to treat our spouse poorly. What we put in our heads shapes our reality. If we fill our heads with negativity, we will start to outwardly express that negativity toward those around us.
Even if those negative thoughts and feelings about our spouse are true, we are doing them a disservice, because our negative traits are not the end all and be all of who they are. Yes, there are some people who possess an unhealthy amount of negative behaviors and traits. If this is your spouse, maybe you need to rethink your relationship. If, however, your spouse is like most people and possess some negative and some positive traits, take a look at what you are focusing on. We tend to focus too much on the negative because those are the things that stand out to us. They hurt us. Try taking an inventory for a couple of days of the thoughts you have about your spouse. Are they mostly positive or predominantly negative? Try to honestly see how these thoughts affect how you treat and perceive your partner. Try an experiment. Start ONLY telling your spouse affirming, positive, complimentary things. Make a mental list every day of the things you love and appreciate about them. Hold those thoughts in your head. Speak fondly of your partner to others. Do this for a couple of days, even if and when you don’t want to. If you and your spouse do this for a sustained period of time, or even if only you do it, I think you will notice your relationship changing. You will start to be happier to see them. You will start to miss them more. You will be more appreciative of them. Another effect of this experiment is that your spouse will start treating YOU differently. They will feel appreciated and loved and they will be, in essence, creating their own reality around you, just as you did with them.
Thoughts are powerful. They MEAN something and they affect our reality the same way tangible forces shape our world. Like all things of power, they can be used to better our lives, can be used for a noble purpose, or they can hurt those around us, as well as ourselves. Our thoughts shape our reality much more than we are aware of. I think the author John Milton said it best in his epic work, “Paradise Lost”-“The mind is it’s own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven“. Keep this in mind, pun intended. Color your thoughts with Confidence!
Want more? Listen to the episode “Stay Positive and Don't Obsess: The dangers of Negativity and Obsessive Thoughts In Your Marriage”