There is a huge disconnect between women and men when it comes to porn. This is not the husband’s or the wife’s fault. It is the fault of society. My husband, Sean, goes into detail about this in his article, and I highly suggest reading that in addition to this. Society has made porn to be accepted and even expected of men. They target men for a reason, and men fall into the trap of it because of their nature. This is important to understand that so you can better understand the disconnect that takes place between men’s and women’s sexuality.
Men are not connected to sex emotionally like women are. They have a variety of things they find attractive, and because it is purely a sexual experience that can take place almost effortlessly, men are able to enjoy porn in a way woman cannot understand. Men do, of course, have morals and values. Even though they are able to watch porn, most men could not fathom cheating on their wife with another woman. They are, however, able to disconnect porn from being another person in a way that isn’t felt by women. Men do not understand how watching something would be considered cheating. It’s almost like they are playing a video game or watching a movie. There is no connecting, it’s like the women in porn are not really human in a sense. This is because of the emotional disconnect to their sexuality and the complete physical disconnect that takes place with porn in the sense that they never touch another woman, nor she him. That is how men can see this as an embarrassing but almost innocent endeavor. This is where the disconnect and misunderstanding for men and women takes place.
There is another element of porn that plays games with the chemicals in a man’s brain. Porn offers men a vision of sex that most men do not get with their wives. It is erotic and different. I imagine it’s along the lines of what women might fantasize about when it comes to going on their dream vacation - all the fun and wonderful things they will do that they do not get to do in their day-to-day life. The newness and excitement of it is not something we experience every day, so the alure and fantasy about what it would be like creates a sense of excitement and wonder.
Most married couples do not have a sex life that mirrors pornography. There are studies showing that, even though these erotic and exciting sex acts are talked about in society, most couples do not typically partake in this kind of sexual lifestyle with one another. This is also where men find porn so much more exciting. It may seem to them that it would be so great to have, taking their everyday sex to a place that is new, different, and fun. There can be times that men even start to become resentful of their wife for not having that kind of sexuality, and they start to turn to porn more and more. This becomes a slippery slope - if women in porn do this, there has to women out there who are willing to do this in real life and it must be more common than I think. This is one of the ways porn can open the door for extramarital affairs.
As women, we often take this as an attack on us personally. It makes us believe that we are not sexy, pretty, or outgoing enough in bed. We become embarrassed and ashamed of our own bodies and sexuality. We take it as an indication that our husband wants something else, something we could never provide to them, someone we could never be. It emotionally damages our sense of self, our security, and our self-respect It makes us feel like we are nothing more than shit on our husband’s shoe. It defies all we thought we were, all our marriage was. Our life is turned upside down and we do not know what reality is anymore. Everything we have been living and thinking has just been torn to pieces and seems to be a lie.
This is the disconnect in action. We have two quite different views, different ways of thinking, and ideas of porn, and they completely collide with one another. It is often impossible for each spouse to be able to understand the other because the thinking is so vastly different. We cannot comprehend it on the scale of which the other is living it. Husbands often think their wives are exaggerating or crazy and wives think they have never and will never been enough for their husbands. How do you bring such two vastly different ways of thinking to a place of comprehension with one another?
Without couple’s and individual counseling, it is almost impossible to do this. We need to keep in mind, however, that life is not black and white, and many things can be true at the same time. Porn use by our spouse does not mean to us woman what we think it does, and we must understand that while we can’t comprehend it, it is still true. Husbands need to allow that, for a woman, while you knew what you were feeling and thinking was not what your wife is making it out to be, she is still personally attacked by it and devastated. Accept that this is true for us even though we cannot understand it.
Husbands understand that betrayal trauma from porn use is real, very real. Wives, understand that your husband did not know how badly this would impact you and has in some ways been brainwashed by society and their porn use. Hearing, accepting, and understanding one another through this process is the most important part of getting through this and healing. If you refuse to believe one another and take each other for face value, you are essentially setting your marriage up for failure. I know this is hard to do, you are experiencing betrayal trauma and find it hard to believe anything your husband tells you right now. However, if each of you can get to a place of understanding that your thinking processes and beliefs are vastly different, then you are well on your way to healing your marriage.
Listen to our podcast on porn, read Sean’s article too, and learn about the truth about porn. This alone will go a long way in helping you both heal and understand one another. I want to leave you with this -the world is not black and white, and while you cannot understand how or why someone thinks the way they do, that does not make it untrue. Try to understand each other…Confidently!
Want more? Listen to the episode “Perfectly Imperfect Marriages AND a bonus The Ultimate Gift Guide, A foolproof way for gift giving on any occasion!”