What is the difference? We know the two have separate definitions, but how and when do we know we are responding and when we are reacting? The easiest way to know the difference is that a reaction is often the knee jerk immediate thing we do or say after something happens. A response is a thought-out assessment of the situation with a healthy action behind it.
When we respond, we are aware of our true feelings, not the surface feelings and we can respond to the situation honestly. See, you cannot be honest with your spouse until you are honest with yourself. You might be thinking, how could I lie to myself? You can and we all do it and more often than we even realize. This isn’t always an intentional, self-sabotaging behavior. It’s often done with good intentions. Maybe we don’t even realize we did it. One example of this is with our feelings.
Let’s talk about the difference between surface and root feelings. This will serve as a powerful example here. When you feel anger, that is a surface feeling. When I am angry, I know there is something deeper going on and I need to look at what is causing my feeling of anger. Since I know anger isn’t the root and understand that something deeper is causing it, I can look at what the root feeling may be. Maybe I’m feeling guilty or anxious? Inadequate or tired? I could be feeling overwhelmed or disappointed. Whatever the deeper feeling may be, when I am able to clearly identify what is causing the feeling deep down instead of focusing on the surface, I can take the proper actions to fix it. So, let’s say my surface feeling is anger but my root feeling is a disappointment. Let’s say it’s because my spouse didn’t communicate to me that they were going to be late coming home from work.
Now that I’ve identified my root feeling, I can communicate my feelings to my spouse in a loving way instead of just being angry or communicating anger. I feel disappointed because I cooked dinner for us and you didn’t tell me you were going to be late. This is a much more accurate and honest communication than the angry, surface reaction. This is more of a healthy response and is a much gentler and softer approach to communication with my husband. Notice I used the word “I” more than “you”. It is also a much more honest communication in that I am communicating my true feelings, not just giving the surface headline of “I’m angry”. If I wasn’t honest with myself about my feelings, my communication with him would have been dishonest. I would be doing a disservice to both of us and blocking the flow of honest communication and connection.
It is important to take time to really reflect on things because most of the time we think we know what we want, feel, or think. Only later do we realize that isn’t the case. Taking a step back and reflecting on things allows us to discover our honesty.
Even when we think we have been honest with ourselves, it’s ok to reassess our feelings. We may discover that what we initially thought was not completely honest. It is okay and healthy, in fact, to continually recheck our self-honesty. Continually checking in with yourself is also an important part of being honest. Realistically, we don’t always have it all figured out at first. Also, there are times we think we are ok with something only to find out through time that we, in fact, are not. You are allowed to change your mind. Giving yourself this room to be ok with the occasional error is an important step toward being honest with yourself. If you don’t allow yourself that room, you could force yourself into sticking with a decision that is not good for you. So, allow yourself a safe space to change your mind!
Want more? Listen to the episode “What Honesty Means With Your Spouse, Marriage and Yourself!”