Episode 19: What Honesty Means With Your Spouse, Marriage and Yourself!

Honesty. Many people struggle with this most important aspect of a relationship. In the first episode of our new season, we talk about lies, the damage they can do to your marriage, trust, intimacy, and how to bring honesty and truth into your personal life as well as your relationship. From being honest with yourself, to be honest with your spouse and beyond. This episode is packed with information and practical tips to help you practice honesty with Confidence!

Episode Transcript

This is the confident marriage podcast. I'm your host, Jessica. And I'm your host, John? No fluff, no BS. [00:01:00] Just straight forward talk real-world experience and practical solutions. We talk about what no one else. Well, we're the podcast that has couples talking and we're funny everything for your family and relationships from the playroom to the bedroom.

Thank you so much for joining us. Before we get to our topic, don't forget to subscribe to the podcast and leave us a review. We love to know how we're doing. Yeah, good or bad, but hopefully it's all good. Please visit our website. www.theconfidentmarriage.com, where you can sign up for our newsletter. You can get exclusive content news, weekly columns by Jess and I and early access to the latest episode.

It's cool. You get it like three days early, two days before anybody else. And you can find us on all the major social media platforms. So we're on Instagram at confident marriage, Twitter, the see marriage show, Facebook, confident marriage. And we're also on Pinterest now, competent marriage. So [00:02:00] pin us or whatever they do on Pinterest.

You're close to honey. This is episode one of season two of the confident marriage. And we are really excited and incredibly happy with how season one went and how we finished off the year. We wrapped up 2020 in a bow and got rid of that mother. Because we're all happy to be rid of that year, I think.

Yeah. So now we're ready to embark on 2021, a new season, a lot of exciting topics, a lot of exciting interviews coming up. That's something new. We've started doing some live interviews on Instagram. Live videos on Instagram last week, we had an interview with Joshua Shea and we talked about pornography and the effects it has on people in marriages and how to get help and how to identify an addict versus just someone who usually uses it casually.

It was a lot of fun. Yeah, no, it was a really good interview with a lot of good information. And I know it's kind of a taboo [00:03:00] topic. People get uncomfortable about it, but, you know, as someone who had a problem with pornography, There was a lot of good information. I could relate to a lot of it. And, uh, he was so good.

We should try to get him on an episode. I think we will, we should do another episode. We'll do, instead of just a live interview, we will do an episode where we interview him and we, we have him go into more detail about what we spoke about on the. The live video. I think that'd be really, really fun. It would.

So we receive a lot of questions and usually anonymously about pornography because no one likes to talk about it. So I think deaf and one of our most popular episodes was the one that I don't believe I was on the show yet. But you did about porn and I think we're going to dive into that this season.

We've got a great episode coming up about balance in your life between kids and work and home and sex. And, uh, we have our workshop. That's getting ready, ready to start starting this week. Really excited have spent days and days [00:04:00] and days last year, getting all the material together for it. Yeah. So we're really excited to have so many people signed up for it.

And hopefully everyone gets a lot of good information out of it because we put a lot of good stuff in there. Yeah. Yeah. W I, we really did like pick our brains on this and put everything that we knew and believed and experienced into this content of the workshop. And, and then some, we did a lot of research and we're doing a lot of referencing and extra content from outside of us is going to be provided.

I mean, it's. This is packed. I, this, this isn't your typical free workshop. What you get is what you paid for? Not no, not a mess. No. And we did offer it for free and. Um, we assigned the signup is closed for it. So we're sorry about that. But we will be offering more workshops throughout the year, especially if this one is a six.

Yes. I think it will be so very, very exciting. Like we tell you all the time, Jess and I are not doctors. We're not professional therapists. [00:05:00] What we are people who have. A lot of practical experience. We have the been there, done that experience, uh, to cover him because of some of my shortcomings, a lot of these issues.

And we have so much knowledge and we researched like crazy. So take it for what it is. There are suggestions. We found they work really well for us. We've gotten a lot of positive feedback from other couples and, you know, it's like what we did with all the advice and stuff that we got. We took what worked for us and we left the rest.

Yeah, we've got the street cred. We do we're down. I went down with the marriage, but the OGM OGM original gangster marriage. So there was some other podcast or something. No, but you know, we're not professionals, but we definitely are experts. I think we can say that. Yeah. Yeah. So. As I was going to ask about the new year's resolutions.

How are those going? Oh, you had to call me up in [00:06:00] front of our listeners. You out. I'm trying to give you motivation. You're supposed to be putting it in your so new year's Eve. We went we're at West coast, West coast, U S. Oh, you know what? Before we get into that, talk about Snoop Dogg's sword swallowing, buddy.

Again, are you not now? Don't put anything in your mouth. That could be dangerous now, but I do want to say. I meant to say this on the last podcast. So I'm going to mention it. Now. Someone emailed us from Canada. It was early December. And I did not get your email for some reason, my website had a technical glitch and that email did not come through to me.

All I could see is that the form was submitted from Canada in early December. So if you're from Canada and you emailed us and you have not heard back from us, please email me back, Jessica, at the confident marriage.com. I'm so sorry I missed it. But [00:07:00] with that said, Nothing on APB to all Canadians. You're gonna get a flood of emails from Canada.

That's okay. We love you Canada. We do. Um, okay. So new year's Eve was interesting for us. Yeah. So we're West coast, United States, and we interesting is a relative term. Yes. And so we're three hours behind the East coast, us. We celebrated new year's Eve at nine 30 East coast, time nine o'clock hit. We said happy new years.

We were done at nine 30 in bed. No work. I work long hours. Jess works all day long. We've got two kids. We were done at nine o'clock. So I hope everybody had a safe and happy new year's. Maybe you had a little more exciting new year's than us, but hopefully you just didn't catch COVID yes. Or any other diseases.

Yes. Sorry. When I said Shawn called me out, so our new year's resolution. We have shared before we're both smokers. We were going to quit smoking judge us because we don't think it's a good habit or [00:08:00] anything. If you don't smoke, don't start. It really sucks. So new year's morning, we were supposed to wake up and not smoke.

And so that night I had Sean put a nicotine patch on me to help me in the morning because the morning is my worst time. That's usually when I spend some time reading the news, having my coffee and. Um, you know, I sit outside by myself and it's just my time. It's the worst way I can have my time, but it is.

So I had nightmares all night because of the nicotine patch, like awful horrendous nightmares, something out of a horror movie. And then I woke up with this pounding headache, like I had drank the night before, but we don't drink. So I don't know where that came from, but it was the worst migraine I've ever had now.

I don't drink. I don't do anything. You do occasionally find it because you weren't drinking a wine last night that was put out by a famous rapper who I think you might've mentioned earlier. Not that we're trying to give him a plug, but Hey, Snoop, if you want come sponsor us for anything,

[00:09:00] that one's really good wine though. So anyways, I was a disaster, needless to say, there were a couple of more things that happened. The minute I woke up, our son was pulling her hair all morning. Yeah. He was hungry and being a little Butt-Head and just a whole bunch. And so I was like, forget this. Yeah, but I, I can't, I'm not, I'm not gonna do it.

I can't do it. I'm a mess. So, but Sean has been doing amazing. I got up that morning and I was already, I had my patch on, I had, so one of the side effects of the nicotine patch can be vivid dreams and just had nightmares all night. I dreamt that I built a pirate ship and it was really cool. It was, he was looking for a booty on the pirate.

She's not looking for booty are, maybe gives me her poutine. So. I got up. I asked her how it was going. She said not so well, long story short, I was like, yeah, screw, give me a cigarette. So, anyway, as we talk about in our articles of hard work and, uh, new year's resolutions gone right on the [00:10:00] newsletter, which I wrote y'all.

Yeah. So let's do, as she says, not as she does, but uh, got up the next day. Regrouped got my patch. We got a bunch of nicotine gum, so I haven't had a cigarette in two days. I want to call my own eyes out, but I haven't had a cigarette in two days and Jess is working really, really hard to just cut down a lot.

So we are practicing what we preached and making that happen. And. Another thing we talk about that goes with anything we talk about on this show failure doesn't mean that you give up failure is not an excuse to move on and not keep striving for your goals. Failure should be a learning experience in which you identify what you did wrong and why you failed and then get back up and go back at it again.

That's right. And correct those problems that caused you to fail. So the whole point of me bringing this up is to point out that we make mistakes, right? Even we make mistakes. And that doesn't mean we throw it out the window just because I didn't succeed the way I wanted to in the way I [00:11:00] envisioned to it doesn't mean that I can't alter my course and still make it a reality for me.

Still working on it and it's still going to happen. I believe in myself enough to know that I will. So it's motivation to you guys to see that even these people that are behind this mic. Who are sharing their experience with you and their failures and their struggles and their successes. We still fail.

And you will at times to pick yourself back up and keep, so you've got this. It, it is so true. And, you know, just looking at my story and I know Jess did an episode on her story and one day we'll do an episode on my story. Two, but just, I had to try and fail so many times and I thought I was never going to get some of these things.

Right. And I thought I was never going to put some of these things behind me, like addiction, like pornography, like dishonesty and lies. And I had to keep trying at it. And each time I picked myself up and I learned a little more and I learned a little more and. [00:12:00] I mean, it all paid off. Yeah. And if I would have given up after some of those failures, I'd never be in front of you sitting behind this mic talking right now.

Yeah. And so, you know, kind of veering towards our topic for today. Honesty, I did also want to share a post with you guys that I posted on Instagram the other day, and you might've read it. You might not have. But it said there's no room in your marriage. One of my favorite quotes by the way. Okay. So it's something that I, I like to consider every time.

I feel like there's something going on with Sean or me, and we're not talking about it. So there's no room in your marriage for the elephant in the room. Every time you ignore it, every time you walk around it, every time you fear facing it, you feed it. Eventually that elephant is going to get so big that it's going to suffocate your marriage to pleading it of the oxygen.

It needs to survive. Don't feed the elephant. [00:13:00] Just imagine just close your eyes and picture a room in which you and your spouse are sitting a small room. And there's an elephant sitting in the middle. Neither of you need both of, you know, it's there, but neither of you want to acknowledge it. And you're just going about your life.

Walking around this elephant as if it doesn't exist, stepping in an elephant poop and pretending like you smell roses and just imagine how stupid that looks. So I guess long story short, don't be a Dumbo. Yeah, exactly. So it's really hard sometimes to talk about that elephant, especially when you're the one that sees the elephant, but you have no freaking idea why it's there.

How do you go to your spouse and say I sent something isn't right. I'm not sure what it is, but can we talk. Maybe you can say something along the lines of, I, I feel like we're a little disconnected. Can we try and figure out what the sources and have a conversation, but before you can do that, that's some honesty right there.

That's honest con conversation and communication with your spouse [00:14:00] really, before you can even get there. There's a step way before that, that I don't think many of us really consider. And that's honesty with yourself. Yeah. So as Jess said, our topic for this week to start off the new year is honesty. And I know we said that we ended the year on some really heavy topics and we were going to go into a little more light-hearted topics, but I don't think this is necessarily a negative one.

And I really feel like it's something that everybody needs to work on. Even if you think you're the most honest person in the world. And, and it takes that hard work that intentionality every day, and we've kind of broken down honesty into. Some of it's separate components. We believe that it's one of the four cornerstones of the foundation of your relationship.

So it's the Keystone, if you will, that, that kind of holds the rest of those cornerstones together and holds your foundation together, which in turn holds up your relationship. So, yeah. Even if you need work on the other cornerstones. And even if you need work in other areas of your [00:15:00] marriage, if you can get this one key stone down, you're well on the way, and you can pretty much get through everything else because it is so, so important.

And as Jess mentioned again, the first step in improving honesty in your relationship and. Moreover honesty and your whole life is having self honesty and believe it or not, a lot of people struggle with that. Right? Well, I mean, we even struggle with it without even realizing it. Right. So one example would be, um, let's say you and I talked about always wanting to get a Harley and you were okay with the idea like you weren't against it or for it, but.

When we talk about it, you seemed gung ho about it. Like it was really something that you wanted to do, but in the back of your mind, you're like, I'm not really sure that's something I want to do, but you know, we have a lot of time before we even get there. So I'll figure it out. That's kind of, kind of just, you know, giving into those moments or those situations when you're just kind of, Oh, I don't know, but it's not that big of a [00:16:00] deal right now to say yes or no or how I feel.

So I'm just going to go with it. Right. And I think it's important too, in the beginning here that we define what we mean by honesty. And so you may think you have a firm grasp of what honesty is. You may feel like it's important or it's not important, but just to define what we mean, when we say honesty with yourself and in a relationship, honesty includes a couple of things.

So it's giving an accurate representation of what's going on in your life, what you did, who you were with those actions day to day. It's being honest with your feelings, you know, it's yeah. It's being able to be honest with yourself about your own feelings and to be able to honestly convey them to your spouse.

Right. And you know, a thing that gets missed a lot and that may not be considered is, you know, telling someone the truth, but not the whole truth and leaving little bits and pieces out. Now, people may say, well, I told him what happened, but say you left out two or three [00:17:00] things. I mean, you may have told them, but she didn't tell him the whole thing.

So honesty includes telling the whole truth. What about those things that you used to do where you would say to yourself? Well, she didn't ask about it, so I'm not going to even talk about it. Yeah. Yeah. That's still a form of dishonesty, right? It's it's you, it's on you to be able to make sure you're saying everything right.

Well, especially, especially the things that, you know, your spouses, if you're having to tell yourself. I'm not going to tell them that part where I'm not going to tell them about this. Then you already know that it's something that they need to know. You should be talking to them about it. Yeah. Yeah. And it's not always easy and it's going to be hard at times, but you know, it's a simple concept.

Just talk about everything and. Say it honestly, but it's not easy. That's something I talk about a lot in my articles recently is something can be simple, but that doesn't mean it's easy. No, the concept can be simple, but putting it into practice, isn't easy. Right? Everything is [00:18:00] easily said. I could sit here and tell you I'm the president of the United States.

I can say that easy breezy doesn't mean that it's true. You would make a very good president. Thank you. I've been told that before, but no, I mean, honestly with yourself, it's, it's not just. You know those winters in your mind or where you're not really being completely straightforward and it doesn't seem like a big deal.

There's things like our feelings. A lot of us, we don't have time to be assessing our feelings day in and day out. Right. And we don't even know that all the feelings that we usually label and identify with are called surface feelings. And that they're not the real feeling. So like if you were to come home late for work and I had dinner together and I was really angry at you because you didn't communicate to me that you were coming home from work.

If I were to actually do the work on what I was feeling and that moment that I labeled as anger, it would actually be disappointment. And it would be, um, feeling inadequate because I wasn't able to attend to you the way that I [00:19:00] wanted to, because you had a hard day because I was, you know, trying to do all this other stuff.

That'd be, you know, maybe feeling like I wasn't good enough some insecurities. So I label all those feelings as anger, but usually those feelings that we label, there's several deep root fillings that we're feeling inside. So if you could imagine. If you were to come home and I, I was angry. That was my labeled anger that was white labeled failing in gentlemen that never happens.

Come angry with you and we'd start arguing. Well, there you have it. And I wasn't really honest with you about my feelings because I wasn't honest with myself about my feelings. I just went with what I thought I was feeling. Right. Imagine if I was able to understand my root feelings and not just my surface feelings.

And I came to you and said, honey, you know, I'm disappointed. And I feel like I'm not a priority to you. And I feel like I'm not [00:20:00] enough for you. And like work's more important. And you know, it really hurt me. Cause I spend all this time, imagine that conversation, Oh, different feel to the conversation and, and being honest, doesn't always mean you're going to do it in the moment.

Right. But when you. Learn to be self honest, above all things. And before anything else, you may still react with anger in that moment, but then you're assessing it. And then you're coming to your partner later and saying, look, we may have argued a bit earlier. I was angry. It was coming out at you. But let me tell you what I was really feeling.

And I think like we use the example of last night. So last night after dinner, the not smoking hit me really hard. And I was snapping at everybody and. That was, you know, being a little rude to Jess and she's like, what's going on with you? And I said, well, you know what? Um, I'm just pissed off right now.

And I'm feeling a little resentful. And I looked at her and I said, but what's really going on is I'm jealous that you're still smoking. And I can't, I'm a little jealous [00:21:00] that you can have a couple of drinks of wine. And I can't because of my bad choices. So while it may be coming out as resentment and anger towards you, what's really going on is I'm feeling shame at my previous actions.

I'm feeling frustration at, uh, the, the physiological things that are going on with me over the nicotine withdrawal. And it really has nothing to do with you. So instead of me just being pissed off and her getting pissed off back and let's go into bed mad at each other, we were able to have an adult healthy, deep, honest conversation about what was going on and it didn't turn into any, no, instead I was able to be much more sympathetic and, and understanding of him.

And so when we got into bed, I searched high and wide for a really good. Um, quit smoking meditation that he could listen to, to help him relax and go to sleep to which I grumpily responded, turned that down. I can't sleep with someone talking, but the, I guess the point is that. It completely diffused everything.

I couldn't even continue to act mad at her at that [00:22:00] point, because I was aware, honestly, what was going on inside of me. And I was reacting to those feelings instead of reacting to her. And as he verbally, right. And as, as he, as he verbalized those feelings to me, he was. Like you literally could see the whole change in his demeanor and even kind of started laughing at himself and just, he immediately, his disposition changed and it just, it's a whole different kind of kind of environment when you're able to be more honest with yourself like that.

And then your spouse, it really does bring you guys closer together when you can be honest. And even if it starts with. The communication between the two of you of just genuinely talking about I'm angry at you for X, Y, Z, and you know what I'm saying? Well, I'm angry that you're angry at me for XYZ, even if that's how it starts, even if that's where you guys get your starting point, just opening up to one another like that.

You're going to find that you're so much closer. Well, and it may seem like so much work. Cause it did to me in the [00:23:00] beginning. Oh my God. I got to analyze all my feelings all the time. How the hell am I going to find time to do that? How am I going to no, but it's like anything else it starts to become, you know, when you first learned to drive.

It's a lot of work. You've got to watch the speedometer hit the gas pedal, hit the brake, look at all the signs, check all my merit. But after you've been doing it for a while, it's like second nature. And you don't think about it and realize you're doing it half the time. And like last night it happened kind of organically for me.

I didn't need any prompting. I didn't have to do any real work. I was able to just say, this is what's going on. And you know, and the growth you'll see in your marriage, whereas before you may have been afraid to say something and it's something we'll get into later is if you're afraid to respond out of fear, there.

Reaction, but it would have been really hard for me a couple of years ago to look at Jess and say, you know what? I resent you a little bit. And she asked me at one point last night, when I said, it's not really about you, she said, but don't you resent me a little bit. And I said, no, well, yeah, I guess I do, because you're able to do some things that I can't, that I wish I could still do, but you know, the cause of that may be something that [00:24:00] came from me, but I was able to tell her that, and, and I was able to get, I was able to offer him my feelings too.

And I said, Well, I feel guilt that we were supposed to do this together and you're doing it and I'm not doing it all the way. And so I'm feeling guilt over it too. And I'm sorry. And I'm really trying. And he said, it's okay. I'm just going to support you now, if we weren't practicing self honesty or having honest conversations with each other, that little lie of, nah, I'm just a little irritated.

It's no reason. And would have left everything on unsaid. That unsaid piece would have turned into that elephant in the room. And we would have been walking around that elephant stepping into shit. Right. And I would've had my LFM because I was experiencing guilt myself and I wouldn't have talked about it.

So we would have had two elephants in the room. I like elephants. I think they're very smart animals. They're so cute. I love their ears. I want to put, I want to put elephant ears on. We have a gray cat and I want to put elephant ears on her butt because she looks [00:25:00] like an elephant from behind, but that's a whole other story, right?

So I wanted to, uh, let's just since we defined honesty and what we're talking about, right. And that's complete honesty and not leaving anything out and being honest with yourself and your partner and about your feelings and your actions. So I just want to establish, look, we all live from Titan time to time.

Right. And you know, it's like when someone says, Hey, how are you doing? And you are having a terrible day and you're arguing with your spouse and you had a crappy day at work, but you go, Oh, I'm good. How are you? You know, that's a lie and, and that's kind of a normal lie. Your spouse may ask you, Hey, maybe, maybe your wife, not everybody needs to know your business.

Maybe your wife wanted. Address for so long. And she pined over this thing and she finally bought it and she put it on and she's like, how do I look on it? And you're like, you look great, but really you're thinking, Oh, that looks ridiculous, but you don't want to tell her because she's so excited now, not all lies are like, make you a [00:26:00] dishonest person.

Some of these things are normal, right? It's normal to lie from time to time. Well, sometimes we do it to protect your spouse. You wouldn't want, you wouldn't want to tell me, Oh my God, Jess, that trust is hideous. I mean, you would now. Getting out now, it wouldn't before. And not every heart, an individual basis to some people may want their husband to say that they look good in it, whether they do or not, um, personal choice.

But I like to say too, you know, and we don't even know we're doing it. Sometimes it might just come out in the moment. And some of these innocent lies. That you, you, you may engage in from time to time. They usually have a noble purpose behind them. Like, I don't want to hurt that person. I don't want to burden them with my problems.

So what an honest person does is while they may lie from time to time, they take the healthy action of coming back later, if not in that moment and cleaning it up. Right. And so when. If you do that, you're still an honest person, right? As long as, because you'll, if you're, if you're coming back later and cleaning it up, even though you lied, that means you have a well-defined [00:27:00] moral well-defined belief and, and you have learned that honesty is what works for you.

And you live by that. A dishonest person may lie in big ways in small ways, usually a combination of all that they don't come back and try to clean it up. No. They perpetuate the lie. They lie to cover up the lie and it becomes this cycle. Right. So, if you lie from time to time, don't sit at home thinking, Oh God, I'm a dishonest person.

No, it's all about what you do with it. Right. Okay. It's very normal to lie or fib every now. And then little white lies is what they call them. Whatever. I hate that term because even little white lies can damage, but yes, it's, it's coming back and cleaning them up, trying to at least the best you can.

There is no such thing as a little lie because every single little lie. Is eventually going to become bigger. And so let me put it to you this way. Let's go back to the dress example. If [00:28:00] I was excited about the stress and I put it on and I was ex you know, like, Oh my God, I love it. I love it. And I ask you for your opinion and you tell me it looks great.

And then I wear it. Let's say to a wedding or somewhere, you know, that it's appropriate for like something really fancy. And I look ridiculous. But here I am at this event thinking I look like hot stuff and all these people, people around me are like snickering and like pointing and laughing or, you know, later on, I hear that people gossiped or make comments or took pictures of me and put it on social media, making fun of me.

And you didn't tell me just that just doesn't really look good on you, honey. Let's find you something else. I would be so upset with you because I relied on you to have my back. I relied on you to tell me the things that I wasn't aware of or that I didn't know where you know, that, that, that I, I needed your backup in.

And that would be an awful, I, you see how that little [00:29:00] lie just created a disaster for me and, and I'm completely humiliated and I'm in tears and I'm embarrassed. And. And what's that going to do to trust in your relationship? She's not, she's going to stop asking you if she looks good and things, because she's not going to believe your response, even if you're being honest from that point on.

And so it could have gone like, Oh yeah, you look great. And then say, you're getting ready to go. And you're getting in the car and, and you're an honest person. You come back and say, honey, look, before we go, I just want to let you know. I told you, you looked great because I was really excited for you to have something that you wanted for so long.

But I. I gotta be honest with you. It's not that flattering on you. You have this black cocktail dress in there that looks amazing. I don't want people thinking anything of you and I don't want you to feel embarrassed. And I know you really wanted this dress, but why don't you put this other one on? I think he looks smoking hot in it and it may still hurt your wife in the moment.

Yeah. Because being honest doesn't mean everything's going to be hunky-dory all the time. [00:30:00] There's still going to be pain involved. She's going to be disappointed and sad and upset, but underneath all that, she's going to be thinking to herself. Wow. If he could be honest with me about that. He's not going to lie to me about stuff and it builds trust.

It does. And it brings you closer after I have a great time at the party and you know, you're almost getting into fights because a couple of guys were looking my way. I'm going to kill them. Thank you, honey. For being honest with me, I really enjoyed my time. And then you can even back it up further by going, come on, let's go home and get on Amazon.

Find you a couple more dresses, you look smoking hot. So those are, those are examples of how those little lies, right? And like we said, so the basis and the starting point for being an honest person and establishing honesty in your relationship and shoring up your foundation is self honesty. It takes a lot of introspection and self-reflection, and it's going to take a lot of practice to find those emotions, but it's like that whole thing of the emotions [00:31:00] going on underneath.

So, I, I know you talk about this, honey, and it's your thing, but it's, it's what they use. The example of the anger iceberg a lot, you know, John Gottman uses it on his website and the nice material, but I like to think of it in the bigger picture of the emotional iceberg. And it's like, imagine your relationship is a huge ocean liner.

Say the Titanic and you're sailing through the Atlantic and everyday things going great. Why isn't it a pirate ship? Like in your dream, I'm going somewhere with this. Got it. Stepping away. So the Titanic, your relationship that Titanic is just this amazing ocean liner. That's never been seen the likes of which on earth before, and you're going along and there's this little piece of ice poking out of the surface up ahead.

Maybe it's anger. Maybe it's. Sadness, maybe it's what's another surface. Maybe it's a frustration. Yeah. So you're thinking, well, it's just a little frustration. It's not a big deal. Meanwhile, there's this whole huge mass of emotions underneath that [00:32:00] you can't see. And you know, the captain says, well, is that iceberg dangerous?

And the lookout says, nah, it's just frustration. The captain goes out a little frustration. Never heard anybody let's plow right into that thing. Not, not knowing that underneath it. There's resentment and shame and disappointment hiding. And it hits your, it hits your relationship. And next thing you know, the Carpathia is trying to fish all the passengers out of the water.

Yeah. And, uh, Leonardo DiCaprio's drowning. Great. Right. That's one of our daughter's favorite movies. Titanic hated it. Oh my gosh. Back to it. That's another one we did this weekend. We watched a little old school in color. It was great. And so I know that we don't do these things intentionally and we don't do them to, you know, sabotage ourselves our relationships all the time.

And there's at times some, you know, real valid, you know, things that we're doing to be safe with our partner or make our [00:33:00] partner feel safe. But that when you really look at it, that's not what we're doing. No, in the long run in the, in the, in the big picture, you're doing more damage than good. So just take away, it's normal to lie every now and then, as long as you're not making it your way of life and, and it's not happening like all the time, but just remember that it's what you do with it.

That's gonna make you an honest or dishonest person, right? I do have to say guys that this isn't the man, Sean always was w part of his addiction. He was. Big into lying to himself and to those around him. And he walked around and the so-called crown suit of what he wanted everybody else to believe him to be and who he really is.

And it is amazing when people say, can people really change? I can't. I wish you guys were able to see who Sean was [00:34:00] five years ago. Because to hear him talk to you and share these things and watch him live it and be it every day I tell you people can and do change. And then again, five years ago, no one would have been able to know me because I wasn't representing who I was.

I was living a lie. And so not to like put in a plug or anything, but if you read my article this week, On, uh, dishonesty and the path that leads us to the road of dishonesty. I go a little more in depth into my story and what put me on that path. And I talk about exactly what Jess was just speaking on, and it kind of breaks down how you start and how that keeps pushing you down path away from honesty, towards a path of dishonesty.

And so you look around one day and it's the only way of life, you know, and it becomes second nature and you don't, you do it without even thinking about it. So read my article because I do go in a little bit more in depth on that, but back to the self honesty, there's another aspect of it that I [00:35:00] wanted to talk about too.

So not just between you and your spouse and holding back your relationship, but if you are not being honest with yourself, and this is under the along the lines of, I tell people that I am a punctual person and I believe myself to be someone who's on time all the time. When in actuality, I'm late all the time.

I am not being honest with myself about who I am. I consider myself an on-time person. Maybe you, maybe you strive to be a person who's already. I present myself as that. I want to be that person. And I think of myself as that person, but in reality, I'm not. So I lied to myself about who I really am. And so nothing ever changes.

So I'm still late all the time. So I can't be who I want to be because the lie to myself is holding me back from that. If I were to be honest and say, I want to be someone who's on time every time. But in reality, I am late all the time that opens the door to be able to do something about it. [00:36:00] And so maybe you guys have heard the word integrity and a lot of people take that word integrity to mean.

You do the right thing, whether anyone's looking or whether they're not looking, you know, and that's part of it, but in a psychological terms. And when it comes to, when it comes to your inner being to beat, to be a man of integrity or a woman of integrity means that you are fully integrated. And by that, I mean that your internal feelings.

Whether you're being honest to yourself about them or not, your true internal feelings match your outward actions. So if you believe that stealing is wrong, but you steal anyway, you're not integrated. You're not living a life of integrity, and that's going to block you. Those self lies are going to block you from being able to.

Live a life of fulfillment to achieve the goals you want to achieve. You can't work on anything unless [00:37:00] you admit to yourself that you have a shortcoming there. So being honest with yourself, doesn't just come with, uh, being honest about your feelings. It's being honest about your strengths, being honest about your weaknesses, being honest about your hopes and dreams.

You know, you could tell your wife for years that you want to travel when you retire, but really deep down inside you hate traveling and you just want to sit on a rocking chair, the rest of your life. You're not going to be able to be happy. What about the situations where. At one time, that was what you wanted.

And then one day you discover that's not what you wanted anymore, but you go with it because you've already committed yourself to it. And so you're just now, even though your mind has changed and we're allowed to change our mind, or we change as people, it's okay to say, you know, honey, I don't think I want to travel around the world.

Well, he retired. Right. And that's where that self honesty comes in to make sure that you live a life of happiness. Right? So being honest with yourself about your feelings, about your hopes, dreams wants. About any changes in those areas, [00:38:00] that's going to allow you to be a person of growth, a person of integrity.

It's going to allow you to be able to share with your spouse. It's going to help promote that habit of honesty that you can bring into the rest of your life. And it's going to lead you into one of the next big components of honesty, especially in a relationship is being honest with your spouse. And we've talked a little bit about that.

We have, and, you know, we mentioned it on the last podcast. Well, not the last podcast, the podcast where we talked about healing, when your spouse and yourself, when you've had an affair and the whole lifecycle. And one of the things that I mentioned was that, you know, there becomes this label of you when people catch you in lies and.

We think that, you know, we're getting away with our lives or people aren't going to know that we're lying, but eventually someone's going to find out we're lying about something. And the minute that happens, like the minute it happens, You lose complete accountability and respect with that person, right?

Even [00:39:00] if it's your spouse and they're always going to kind of wonder, well, what are they telling the truth about what are they lying about? Even if it's a small loan, you could send a little things spinning in their head of, well, if they lied about that, then what else are they lying about? Oh my God, they could be lying about everything.

Oh my God. Now all of a sudden, all things are possible. Right. And, and the whole idea to think that, well, it's never going to be found out, especially with your spouse. They're going to find something out at some point. You can put money on that. So, and they, like I said, in that podcast, they don't have to know how many more the lies are, how big those lies are, how small those lies are.

They don't need to know that you lied before. Just that one little light tells them that you're not honest with you. The men it's offensive to your spouse because it makes them feel like. Why am I not special enough to you to know you're ugly? Why am I not special enough to you to know those demons?

Were those things about you that you keep tucked inside? I thought we were one. I thought we married to be one. I thought I was a part of you, but yet you can't even [00:40:00] let me into you. That is a blow in a marriage. Like you wouldn't believe even those little lies, you know, something happened at work that was humiliating.

You didn't come home and tell your wife. And somehow, you know, she finds out through your buddy or whatever. You're never going to believe what so-and-so did it work. And you're looking at your spouse, like, why didn't you tell me in their, you know, their responses because I was humiliated, but that's where I should be.

He is right there with you. So in lies, no matter how big or how small they are, and they have a way of always wearing their head at some point and in the weirdest ways sometimes. And. Again, there's that quote, unquote noble purpose. I didn't want to tell you, cause I didn't want you to feel bad. I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want to hurt you.

I didn't want to tell you because of the way that you react, which we're gonna talk about in a minute. Then when it does come out and you are found out, then there's going to be a lot more hurt than that initial. And, and you're not, you're going to miss it. You're going to have missed an opportunity to [00:41:00] build some real trust.

And for those of you who listened to the last, uh, To the previous three episodes on infidelity and healing from that, or if you're going through something like that, that's why honesty and I mean, complete honesty is so important in healing from an affair or a break, a trust. Yeah. That's a huge opportunity to build trust and I let it fly by over and over again before I finally got it.

Yeah. So when you're communicating with your spouse and your honesty, especially when it's the really hard things to say, and the really hard things for them to hear. There's this rule about communication. And if you want to Google it, you can, because it's not our rule. It's called the seven 38 55 rule.

And I've talked about it on the show before. So 7% of what you're communicating is your actual spoken word, 38% of what your computer is communicating is your tone of voice. And 55% is your body language. So you can communicate some really hard [00:42:00] things in some really positive ways. So keeping that in mind and paying attention to how you're communicating with your spouse.

When you're speaking, your honesty really will go a long way and how that is delivered to your partner received by your partner, how it's received. So, you know, one of the things that you can do is make sure that you're making eye contact, that you, uh, you're very calm. Your, your body is kind of at ease and relaxed.

You make sure you have a tone to your voice that is very gentle and kind. And then make sure that you just use positive words because you'll receive things a lot better if it said to you like this, rather than trying to tell you something like this. Right. And we don't use honesty in a spiteful way. I shouldn't use honesty in a spiteful way, although people do it.

Yeah. And it's not to be done to intentionally hurt or to be resentful or to get back or revenge. Honesty is meant to be used. With your spouse to communicate and make each other better and make yourself better. So you communicate it under the [00:43:00] assumption and the, the knowledge that you're doing this to help better your relationship and that you're trying to help your spouse and get them to understand not that you're trying to Ram them into the ground.

And so, conversely, if you're the one that is receiving the honesty, if your spouse is, is speaking honestly to you, and you're the one listening. You have to employ some, some of the same things. Um, but in a way that is commonly referred to as active listening. And so like, The same as you would do. If you're the one delivering the honesty, holding eye contact, keeping a calm, even tone, asking questions, relevant questions, asking questions is really important.

Okay. And, and repeating things back in your own words. So this has the effect, the double effect of allowing you to make sure you're understanding what your partner is saying in the way that they're trying to say it. And it's showing your partner that you're listening, right. So some of the things that you don't want to do, if you're receiving honesty or giving honesty, what we'll do, some of those things I used to do crossing your arms,

[00:44:00] say it again in a very mean way or a spiteful way. Don't interrupt each other. Don't interrupt each other. If you, if you have something to add or something to clarify, um, signal that, say it, but let your partner finish their piece before you give yours. And so. Along with that. I'm going to throw some more numbers out at you.

Another way that this is really going to improve your marriage is what about all those conversations that you and your spouse have had over and over and over and over again. And you guys seem to think that you have found a solution to the problem and you haven't. Chances are you haven't because someone isn't being honest.

So I have a math equation for honesty. Everybody loves math. Calculator's ready. It's really, really easy. So think of honesty and it bettering your marriage in this way. If you have an equation, let's say it's two plus two. We all know that [00:45:00] the answer is four. Right. And so you take your math equation, which is problem from spouse to problem from the other spouse.

That's to your solution is for your son. And you have now applied this solution to the problem that you're having in your marriage, but it doesn't work. It doesn't work. Why doesn't it work well that's because one of them was dishonest about their, their part of the equation. Let's say the real equation was.

I was three though. I said I was two and Sean was two. The real solution was it have been, should have been five. But you got, but one of you was dishonest about their part in, it gave the wrong information. And so you came to a wrong solution, even though it seemed right at the time, but when you tried to apply it to the problem in your relationship, it doesn't work.

And this is another reason why honesty is so important because you're never going to get anywhere with the problems in your marriage. If you're not being honest. And even if that's really just being honest about your feelings about [00:46:00] something, because let's say that you have a problem in your marriage.

And one of your feelings is negative towards the solution, but you're not being honest about that. That solution is never really going to work. Don't appease your partner and say, you're okay with something. If you're not bite the bullet. But you don't tell your partner. You're a two when you're really a three or six or 10.

You're a 10. I am a 10. You are a tall. Thank you. Don't don't say that. You're okay with something, just to a piece of your partner. If you're not feeling it in your heart, you're going to try to implement that solution. Your heart's not going to be into it. And your mind is not going to be Intuit. You're going to half-ass it.

You're not, you can't accomplish something unless you believe in it. Right? Right. So you're not going to be able to solve the problem and much as we did for a lot of our relationship, six months later, Your spouse is going to be looking at you and going, how many times have we had this conversation and you're going to be looking back at them going a lot.

And they're going to say, why are we still having this conversation? And you're going to have to, you're going to have to bite the bullet and say, [00:47:00] because I wasn't honest about it in the beginning. And so the solution didn't work. Trust me, we were in that cycle for a long time. And though it might have been days or weeks or years that you haven't been honest.

I know the fear of being honest now and having to go back and clean up all your honesty as it comes, seems like a daunting task. And if you're stuck in that lifecycle, the fear is going to build throughout the years. But once you start doing it, it's, it's really going to better your marriage and your self.

And it's going to feel amazing to get all that off your chest and out of your mind. And it's going to be awesome because all the problems that you were having in your marriage because of the lies are going to start disappearing. And then you're going to realize, wait a minute, if I had just been honest to begin with, we could have like dodged, like 90% of her arguments and problems.

Think of it as a Foundry. You know, your, your marriage is starting to fall into the ground. And when you get under there and start doing the work and rolling up your sleeves and digging into it, you're going to see, Oh [00:48:00] my God, the cements cracked. They forgot to put steel rebar in here. It's Oh, now we got to tear the whole thing out.

We got to rebuild it from scratch. If I had just put that steel in there and use the concrete in the right way to begin with, we wouldn't have to go through all this work, even though it would have been more work in the beginning, but you can believe me. You can tear it all out and start fresh and build that foundation.

So earlier I said, when you. Talked about the reasons why people lie. And I said, or it's because of the way that your spouse reacts, let's talk about providing a safe space for them. Yes. Because, because I can relate to that. There were a lot of times, I wasn't honest for fear of hurting Jess or for fear of her reaction.

Right. But it's like you go through some minor discomfort in the moment and free yourself up. Later, you know, you sleep better, you have a more peaceful atmosphere in your relationship. You have cool dreams about pirate [00:49:00] ships. Um, so it's really, really important that when your spouse is presenting you with honesty, that you provide them a safe place.

Well, what does that mean? Providing a safe place doesn't mean that you are not allowed to have feelings about it or be heard about it or. Uh, disappointed or any other feeling about it? You're allowed to have feelings. Of course you are. It's. There are going to be times that honesty hurts. There are going to be times when it's not what you want to hear.

There are going to be times you disagree with it and you'll have every right to feel the way you do. When I see provide a safe place, what it means is being able to have a conversation about that honesty and it very well as contradictory as it sounds you could, the honesty could be false. And, but that's where the conversation comes in.

So let's say Sean came to me and said, honey, I feel like you're very critical of me quitting smoking. And I say, well, honey, I S you know, and, and he tells me all the reasons why and how he feels that way. And I come back to him and say, [00:50:00] honey, that's not me being critical. That's that's me being. Supportive of you and keeping you on the right track.

When I can tell that you might be falling off track, and maybe there's a better way that I can support you in not going back to smoking instead of sounding critical. So it happened, it was there, it was true for him though. His perception of what happened in his honesty may not have been exactly correct.

We were able to have that discussion and talk about it. Now let's go back to the whole trust example, where he came to me and told me that the dress was hideous and it really hurt. And it was really upsetting because I had spent all this time and saved all this money. And I was so excited about the dress and, you know, and I provide, instead of getting angry and mad and how dare you, how could she say, well, you know, and, and just go off on him for telling me that I can say, wow, I was really excited about the dress and I'm really hurt.

You think it really looks, you know, that hideous saw me that I should change. [00:51:00] And. You know, and we could have that conversation and not me yelling at him or getting mad at him, but ask him, well, what is it about the dress? If I were a different shoes, would that help it do maybe if I wore a Shaw over it and covered the fluffy sleeves, would that help and having, do you get what I'm saying?

Having the conversation, asking questions about his honesty, trying to understand his honesty and really sometimes finding the truth and the honesty, because sometimes our honesty. Is just our feelings and our thoughts and they're not always true. And we have to work together as a couple to find out what the truth and the honesty is.

If that makes any sense at all. It does. And I want to, so some of you are going to hear this and you're going to go put it into practice and it's not going to go like, maybe you have it in your head because as we've said, you know, you're going to. Express your honesty and your spouse is going to get pissed and they're going to get hurt.

And you be like, but I was honest, they said to be honest, and I was honest, it's supposed to do good. Don't be under the lights, [00:52:00] illusion that in the moment everything's going to be rainbows and unicorns and whistles. So you may have to go through that immediate pain and discomfort to get through to the benefits of it.

That'll come with time. Right? So one thing lying has in common with a lot of bad behaviors like drugs. And pornography and cheating is that it's an instant gratification kind of thing. You get the immediate relief of not having to deal with the problem and thinking that it's gone, even though it's still there, but it is easier just as it's easier to give into that craving for drugs, just like it would be easier for me to get up and go smoke a cigarette right now, because right now I want to climb my own eyeballs out.

But I'm not going to do it. So it's discomfort in the moment to know that a couple of days from now, I'm going to feel a lot better. It's not using pornography, whereas you would get that instant gratification right now. You wait for your wife to come home you wine and dine [00:53:00] her, and you get to have that beautiful moment with her later.

That's. Magnitudes better than the porn. It's it's not doing that drug right now and getting that high, that instant gratification and being able to get that promotion at work and succeeding in your career and being a loving father or mother, that'll give you the, the, the high for a lifetime, right? That, that life gives you that instant gratification.

This is a delayed gratification thing. So if you get discouraged because it will happen. And I went through it. You will get discouraged when it doesn't go all koala bears and rainbows, trust me, it's coming. It will come. It will build trust. I have told Jess some really hard things and I can remember very clearly her being hurt and upset in the moment and me going.

But I was honest with you. See, I knew this would add dah, dah, dah, and then her coming to me a couple of days later and going, you know what? I didn't tell you that night. It built a lot of trust when you told me that. And I didn't want to tell you because I was hurt in the moment. But now [00:54:00] that the moment's passed, I want you to know that that built a lot of trust and that was infinitely better than not telling her.

And saying something else and not dealing with it. And then days later having the problems still be there. Right. And I will say that just like being dishonest with yourself, prevents you from personal growth, being dishonest with your spouse is going to prevent your relationship from growing. You're denying yourself the opportunity to, to work on those things.

Whereas if you were honest about them, you're opening the door to be able to improve them when you lie about it, you're closing that door and keeping everything the same, right. So let's go into boundaries a little bit before we wrap up, because that's an important part. Yeah. Of honesty and your relationship and self honesty, Stephanie.

So when you become honest with yourself, as we had mentioned in the beginning of this episode, you're then able to identify and know what your boundaries are and your boundaries is usually STEM for your more from your morals and your values, right? So if you know what your morals and values are, you know, what your boundaries are with other people and you [00:55:00] know, what your boundaries are for yourself.

When it comes to other people. So having a clear idea of what your boundaries are, and there are two kinds of boundaries. I really want to emphasize, there are soft boundaries, they're hard boundaries, right? A soft boundaries are negotiable boundaries. These are boundaries where, you know, I really don't like it when Sean is sarcastic.

And we have a conversation about that. You know, your sarcasm kind of offends me at times. I wouldn't have guessed. And so, you know, he just, uh, he, he explains to me why I haven't really dry sense of humor and it's just kind of how I play around. And so I say, okay, well, you know, maybe sarcasm is okay, can you just make sure that you're not sarcastic when we're having arguments?

So I practiced a little self honesty in that, because that is a real example. And I was able to look where I never thought before and see how sarcasm can be hurtful. Right. So that's, that was a soft boundary for me. I didn't like it and I didn't want it done, especially when we were arguing. But I w boundaries are not meant to [00:56:00] control people or to dictate people or to tell them how they can and can't be boundaries or just safety nets for you.

They're meant to keep you emotionally and physically safe. Right. So was it really going to hurt me that he used uses sarcasm and every day? No. And I wasn't really going for that. Okay. Really? It just offended me that when he did it, when we were arguing, it felt condescending. And so that was a soft boundary.

That was an negotible boundary that I was able to lay down and we were able to discuss and come to a compromise on right. Hard boundaries are non-negotiable hard. Boundaries are boundaries that absolutely under no circumstance, any situation or condition will these be tolerated such as lying, cheating, physical, and emotional abuse.

These breakers? Yes, these are the absolutely. There there's no negotiation in them. Okay. So identifying what your soft and your hard boundaries are, right? Having discussions about your soft boundaries. These are all [00:57:00] big pieces in honesty, in a marriage, because you have to, even with your spouse at times, protect yourself and lay those boundaries down.

Boundaries do come with consequences. Mind you, the consequences are not meant to, uh, remove a person from your life unless they're a really hard, hard boundary where. You're in danger, boundary consequences are more meant to steer the behavior, right? So you need to find consequences that are appropriate for the boundary, but also giving leeway and you don't go straight to consequences once you, once they cross the boundary.

Right? First there's the communication, the honest communication about the boundaries. So an example, let's go back to the sarcasm where Sean and I are having an argument and he's sarcastic during the argument. And I say, Sean. I do not appreciate sarcasm. One more arguing. You tell them how it makes you feel.

It makes me feel invalid and it makes me feel like you're making fun of our situation and [00:58:00] you're not taking it seriously. Could you please not do that? And then he says, hopefully, okay, got it. And then we move on and let's say we get into an argument again. Um, let's say a week later and he brings sarcasm and I say, Sean, I made it very clear that my boundary was to not be sarcastic to work during our arguments.

If you do it again, there's going to have to be a consequence. Let's say he's done really well. But two months later, he brings sarcasm into the argument again. And I say, Sean, you've done really well, being serious and not bringing sarcasm in, but you just did it. This is my final warning to you. Please do not do it again.

It really hurts me. The consequence of that next time is going to be unwilling to end our conversation. And we will not be able to talk anymore until you stop. He gets it. And let's say three months down the line, he does it again. We're arguing, he's sarcastic during the argument, a very, very calmly and [00:59:00] lovingly say, Sean, you just, you just crossed my boundary of being sarcastic during this conversation.

I'm not going to allow you to hurt me like this. I'm going to walk away and take a break. Let's come back to this when we're both a little bit calmer and you can, you can respect my boundaries. So that's what I mean. We don't need to just right off the bat consequences, the consequence was appropriate for the situation I got.

I did not shut off communication to him. I did not hurt him back. I was more than willing to bring the conversation back to the forefront when that behavior stopped in terms of a hard boundary. And the consequences of course are going to be a little bit more severe, especially when it comes to any kind of physical or emotional danger.

You need to leave that situation. But for instance, with lying, you know, the consequence needs to be up to par with the offense. So, this really is a big part in being honest with your spouse, because you [01:00:00] need to be able to be honest about your boundaries and you need to be able to define your boundaries and you need to be able to safely deliver that consequence in those situations without the backlash.

And so to sum it up first, you need to be honest. So I'm gonna, I'm gonna bring it all together with boundaries. First, you need to be honest with yourself and make sure that you're setting boundaries that are in line with your morals and your values beliefs. Once you've established those boundaries and the degrees of them, you need to honestly communicate them to your partner.

These are my soft boundaries that we need to discuss. These are the hard boundaries that I will not tolerate. Your partner then needs to honestly communicate to themselves with cell dusty, that they understand your boundaries and they need to make sure that when they're. When they're telling you, they understand them, they need to make sure they're being honest with themselves, that they really do understand them.

And if there has to be more discussion or questions, it needs to take place. Then you, you, [01:01:00] you two need to come together and agree and make sure that the boundaries are communicated and understood. Then you both need to go on forward. Honestly, knowing that if these things are crossed, then these are going to be the consequences.

If you make boundaries that aren't in line with your internal morals and values, they're not going to work because your partner's going to cross the boundary and you're not going to enforce it because it really wasn't that important to you. Or you're going to let them get away with something that really does bother you that much, because you didn't tell them how bad it was or your partner is going to continually cross the boundary because they don't know how important it is.

So honesty with self honesty with your partner. Make sure you honestly talk about it, make sure you honestly understand, right. Exactly. Wow. There's another long one. Yeah, it was hope you guys. Aren't mad at us for me getting another long one and having a little bit of a heavier subject. But for those of you who stuck it out, this will do [01:02:00] some good in your relationship.

It will help you a lot. Like we said, we truly believe our opinion is, and our belief is, and one of our internal morals and values is that honesty is the cornerstone of your entire relationship. Right? Above all others. It's, it's the stuff that holds your foundation together. There are some other important components to it, but this is the one that you must have for everything to succeed.

Everything else will fall into line. Well, and you know, one of the great things about honesty is it builds. Emotional connection, which is emotional intimacy, which leads to sexual intimacy. So it makes sex so much better. Honestly, that sounds amazing. So we hope you guys have a great week and that you enjoy this episode.

And for those of you that are, uh, signed up for the workshop, this is piece one to the workshop. You'll be receiving your packet and. This is [01:03:00] what you listened to first, and then you'll go right into it because this podcast builds the foundation for the entire month's worth of material. Right. So make sure you took notes.

As I say, in my theme song, honestly, I think that went pretty well. I honestly think so too. I hope you're communicating. Honestly, I am communicating 100% honestly. Does this mean it's going to lead to some physical intimacy later house dog? Thank you, everybody for joining us, we hope you got a lot out of it.

And we look forward to talking to you next week. And for those of you doing the workshop, as I mentioned, good luck put in that hard work and that maximum effort so that you can get maximum return out of it. What you put in absolutely happy new year, happy new year. We helped you guys are having an amazing new year and keep it that way and keep those new year's resolutions up.

Yes. If you fall down, pick yourself back up. Have a fantastic week. Everybody don't forget to check out our website, www.theconfidentmarriage.com. Read our articles and sign up [01:04:00] for our newsletter so that you can get everything a little early. Uh, Instagram at confident marriage, Facebook at confident marriage and Twitter.

See Marin, shell and Pinterest and Pinterest. The confident marriage, the confident marriage penis. Yes. To your chest. Oh gosh, we should do shirts. We should, we should be really short giveaway coming up. Yeah. And if, if Sean shows up at your door in his pirate ship asking for booty, don't give him any, tell him to go, bye everybody.

Have a great week. Goodbye.