Episode 12: Step-Parenting, don't make it hell!

These are some crazy times we are living in and time with our family has become the new norm. We are experiencing trials and tribulations we didn't have before, it has been by far a huge burden on marriages and families. Take the time to go back and listen to the other podcasts and try to be the exception to the outcome of so many marriages and families happening right now, don't give in to the situation, use it as an opportunity to better yourself, your marriage and your family!

This episode is about blended families. Step-parenting is hard on a marriage and it tests the limits between two parents in ways we never thought it would or could. We don't usually realize how much this impacts our relationship with our spouse until we are in the throws of a blended family. Then, and just then, do we see the full force of the challenges, disagreements, and the level of difficulty being a step-parent is but also for a parent watching your spouse with your child. It is not just a challenge for the adults but the children as well! It definitely builds on the challenges all around and also having to balance the children, the relationship, and parenting.

Episode Transcription

Jessica: [00:00:51] This is the confident marriage podcast. And I'm your host, Jessica. I am super happy to be here and I'm so happy. You're tuning in. Thank you all for joining me today. Please. Don't forget to subscribe to the podcast. It really means a lot to me and it lets me know that you're listening and enjoying the show.

Also, you get updates when we have a new. Podcasts that posted. So these are some super, super crazy times we're living in and we are spending more and more time with our family than ever before. It's becoming the new norm. We're experiencing so many trials and tribulations. We. Didn't have before. And it has been by far a huge burden on marriages and families you'd think it'd be the opposite, but that just hasn't been what people are seeing and experiencing.

Please take the time to go back and listen to the other podcasts and try to be the exception to the outcome of our circumstances and not like many marriages and families that are going through so much. Right now don't give into the situation. Use it as an opportunity to better yourself, your marriage and your family.

Please do also, always ask me questions and let me know if there is a topic you'd like to hear. I promise you this. Isn't the typical show where I'm going to ignore your request. How do you contact me? Ah, ha. Well, that is easy. You can visit my website@www.to the confident@marriage.com and email me from there.

You can like, and follow us on our social media platforms. Facebook is the confident marriage, Twitter, the seamer and show and Instagram at. The confident marriage. Yes. So if you guys didn't know that incredibly sexy hot guy who was rapping at the beginning of the show is my husband. And he has wiggled his way into my podcast being a permanent part of it.

So as we talk today, he's going to be stepping in with some of his knowledge and experience, and he's got good things to say. So here I'm out.

Sean: [00:03:15] I'm like herpes. You can't get rid of me once he got

Jessica: [00:03:17] me. This episode, we're going to be talking about a blended families, step parenting, a super-hard hotshot.

Sean: [00:03:26] Yeah.

It's been a struggle.

Jessica: [00:03:28] Yeah. Yeah. So I have a 15 year old daughter from a previous marriage and, uh, Sean has had to step into the role of a stepdad. And, um, we know firsthand how incredibly hard it is on a marriage and at test limits between parents in ways that we never thought it would or could. We don't really realize how much this impacts our relationship with our spouse, until we're in the full throes of a blended family, then really ingest then do we see the full force of the challenges, the disagreements and the level of difficulty being a step parent is, but also as a parent, And I know this firsthand while watching your spouse with your child.

It's not just a challenge for the adults, but the children. It definitely builds on the challenges all around and also having to balance the children, the relationship and parenting. It can be pretty overwhelming. A lot of kids go through a very difficult time, adjusting to a step parent, having to understand and learn a new adult testing, their limits.

Learning what to expect is really hard for a child. Having someone parent them when naturally they aren't their parent, the feelings of their biological parent being replaced, or maybe even not precedent at all is emotionally difficult for a child to settle with. Especially for a child who isn't able to identify all that mess going on inside them.

So if as parents and as adults, if we step back and take a logical, look at how difficult this is for the kids, we just might start to have a better understanding as to why this is one of the most challenging parts of a marriage, and often can even be traumatizing for children.

Sean: [00:05:22] Now, I know that this has led to a lot of arguments between Jessica and myself.

Uh, when I came into the marriage, I'd never been apparent before. And I came in as a step-parent instantly to a nine-year-old, which was a lot easier than being a step parent to a hormonal 15 year old girl, young woman, young woman, girl. She can't be a young woman, but, um, I know there's a couple things that happen.

And one of them is that you tend to bring in, uh, Learn behaviors that you picked up from your parents, which aren't always healthy. And that leads to clashes between you and your spouse about how to raise the child. And it puts your spouse in an awful position because then he or she is having to choose between their child and their spouse.

And I know that's led to a lot of problems and, you know, then there's the normal everyday differences. Uh, Parenting style and choices and punishment and reward and, and privileges and all of that. And I don't always get that. Right. And my wife is usually right. And I argue with her anyway, because I think I'm right.

And then she usually sets me straight and then I mumble something under my breath and walk away and stuff it down. Have we done a show about toxic behavior?

Jessica: [00:06:45] No, but that's a good one. We should totally do. Should you? You should like totally lead that one. You'd be great at it.

Sean: [00:06:52] Thanks. I love you. I love you.

So

Jessica: [00:06:55] I know that you and your spouse has totally sat down and had several detailed talks about boundaries, hopes, goals, expectations, expectation,

Sean: [00:07:04] expectations. That's a whole other show.

Jessica: [00:07:07] We actually, we have a show on sex kind of. Like she didn't have a deeper one deeper, so she didn't get off track.

Sean: [00:07:18] Bring it back, bring it back, honey.

Jessica: [00:07:20] Oh my gosh. I don't even know where I'm at. You've got me on this, that, but, um, as I was saying, boundaries, You both probably had a really long detailed talk about your parenting values and strategies. And you both came to very firm and concrete agreements on what these variables are before you've been getting into this.

Right. And you know, you both, and if you're like most blended families, you didn't do this. Or. You did do it, but you realize now that it was more superficial and you thought you had all the possibilities covered, but when action time came, I'm sure you both learned that it's not going the way you thought it would.

And perhaps even wonder if this was a huge mistake. It wasn't a mistake. It's just time to step back and start from scratch. First things first, you and your spouse need to have a detailed conversation as to what your role in relationship will look like with the children. And I don't mean those fly by half-assed conversations.

You guys know? I hate those. I say that all.

Sean: [00:08:32] Yeah. I don't have a Shawn conversation about it. Have a Jessie conversation about it, getting that submarine and dive, dive deeper, go to the next level. Get underneath everything. Don't just go. Yeah. Yeah. That sounds good, babe. Yeah. Yeah. We'll get in there. Say what you feel, say what your morals are, your values.

What do you want to teach your kids? Talk about shared goals, you know, Hey, I'm trying to prepare our kids for college and make them healthy adults or. I want to make sure that my child understands the values that go into having healthy relationships and both of you get all that out and then, you know, prioritize and come to an understanding on what the most important things are that you can focus on and what the things are that each of you disagree on so that you can either keep them, throw them out, see the other person's viewpoint.

Don't just sit there and, you know, wave your arms and accept, do everything your spouse says, because then you're going to feel like you weren't heard and you're going to feel like you don't have a say in it, but also remember that, uh, if you're a step-parent. The biological parent has to have the ultimate say because it's their flesh and blood.

Don't get me wrong. That doesn't mean that you can't, or don't love them as much as you would your biological child, but you need to defer to the biological parent. You need to give them that respect.

Jessica: [00:09:53] And these conversations are super important and they'll really help save you all from a chaotic common future.

Resentment respect during these conversations is really, really crucial, not getting offended on either side, not taking things to heart is really, really hard. And I know. This firsthand. And I know Sean does too. However, you cannot let it start an argument or cause more problems, more resentments towards each other.

Cause it's not going, it's not going to help anything nor will it lead to any real solutions. You're just going to be caught up in a cycle.

Sean: [00:10:29] And before we move on to, uh, if you're the step parent coming in and you have no experience as I did. Don't be afraid. And this is something I didn't do. Don't be afraid to draw on the experience of the parent who's been there.

And who's learned how to be a parent and, and draw on what they've learned. Ask them. They have the experience, they know their child. You don't have the experience. You don't know their child. You don't know what to do, and it's not a shot against your ego. And it will actually help. The two of you come closer together.

Your partner is going to feel recognized and she's going to feel supported here. She's going to feel supported. He, or she is going to feel the respect from you

Jessica: [00:11:05] in that that is all very true. Isn't that essentially what partnerships are for to compliment one another and to lift each other up and teach one another.

So an additional mistake that blended families make is forcing the children to call the step parent, mom or dad. You shouldn't. In my opinion, you shouldn't force children to call a step parent, mom or dad, or even make them treat them as a mom or dad, essentially. They aren't their mom or dad. And as hard as it is, sometimes they may never be.

That child's mom or dad in their eyes. In some cases, this can be pretty traumatic for children. You've got to allow the child the space and time to figure out where they fit in with your partner and how remember this is a whole new relationship that's got to, to bloom to take place. You can't just walk into a relationship with another person and just get married in.

Done. That's it? Well, it's the same thing with parenting. There's got to be a transition period. There's got to be a learning of one another. There's got to be a bond created. There's there's got to be an understanding of one another and that takes time and don't force it to be so just because they put a ring on your finger and you on theirs.

Sean: [00:12:33] No, that's not to say that you can't call a step-parent mom or dad. Uh, it's gotta be something that. It that comes on its own though. Not something that can be forced, uh, that can be very confusing, especially for small children. Wait, daddy's here, but I have daddy over here and, and it can also lead to resentments feelings of trying to replace mom or dad.

So by all means, if it's comfortable for the child and it's comfortable for the parents. And, and even if there's an amicable relationship with the other biological parent to be included in that, if, if no one has a problem with it, I don't see a problem with it. So my wife's, uh, stepdad and mom have, you know, uh, he has kids.

And so my wife's mom is their step-mom and they call her mom and everybody's okay with it. And there's not a problem there, but I don't think they were forced to, it came about on its own. Now my stepdaughter she's always called me Shawnee. She doesn't call me dad. She doesn't call me stepdad as she calls me Shawnee.

And that's fine. And. It's gotta be something that is comfortable for everybody so that that relationship can grow naturally. You don't want to try to force anything. It doesn't ever work work.

Jessica: [00:13:46] You've got to allow the child the opportunity. And to respectfully and safely talk about their feelings and what they're comfortable with.

I know this sounds foreign because our children and the common belief is that they don't know what they're comfortable with and they don't know what they want and they don't know what's right. And while this can be very true, it doesn't hurt to bring the child into the conversation and get a feel for where they stand.

It will certainly allow the child, the option to open up their heart and mind to. Be more open to this person being in their lives, especially when you're getting pushback from the child. Now, this doesn't mean that the child caused the shots, right. It just means that they're treated like a human being as they are.

And they're able to express what they're comfortable with and what they're really not you and your spouse can totally take it from there. And having a private conversation between the both of you as to how much in what, of what the child said, you're willing to implement into your discussion and your own wishes as parents.

This actually creates a much deeper and better relationship between the step parent and child in the long run and allows them both to make the relationship their own special, unique. It also gives room for the step parent and the child to make their own special names for them, for each other. As Sean had mentioned and find places in their heart for one another, instead of forcing something on them that doesn't feel comfortable or right, or either, and often if you allow this to happen, naturally the relationship becomes closer, more bonded.

It's more organic and, and more deeper than it could have been any other way. You're doing yourself a disservice by trying to force something. And so Sean talked about the other biological parents. And so we're gonna kind of jump in on that, because that is really an important part of being a step parent is where you're at with the other mom or dad, essentially.

You're the third wheel. It really, really sucks. And I don't think a lot of people really want to admit to that fact, but the truth is, is that you are, and you have to understand that there is a sense of possession over your child, and no matter how healthy of a person you are, there's always going to be.

A little bit of jealousy, a little bit of anger, a little bit of resentment, especially if the marriage didn't end on their terms and it wasn't something they wanted. And now here, this person is pretty much quote unquote, taking their place. So being respectful of the other parent is going to really open up doors, not just for you and your spouse, but for you and the child.

And you'd be surprised. If, if you can create a very well-balanced healthy friendship, what the other parent, you just might find that you've found a friend yourself, maybe not a close friend that you go hang out and have beers with, but maybe somebody that you can talk to when you're having trouble with the child.

Sean: [00:17:01] Now I'll step in here because I think, uh, as far as our family goes, we have a pretty unique situation. So Jess and I and her daughters. Biological father, we all have a very amicable relationship. There's no animosity between the three of us. Uh, Jess's marriage didn't exactly end on good terms, but they were made, they were able to remain friends and him and I have a pretty good relationship, uh, when it comes to, uh, parenting the kids and having to make decisions.

And, you know, I think that's a unique situation in this day and age. It's usually the other way around and. I can speak on that too, because I've experienced it the other way around as the child and my parents had a real nasty divorce and there was a lot of animosity, especially between, from my mom, towards my dad and from my mom towards my stepmom.

And that led to a lot of animosity projected from her, through me, towards my step-mom and led to a lot of problems that took years and years to resolve. I love her to death now, my stepmom, um, but. If you can have that amicable relationship and it doesn't need to be friendly where we're all going to the fair together.

Like our family is. Uh, but if you can at least communicate with the other parent and all get on the same page, it's infinitely better for the child infinitely better because it causes so much inner turmoil for that child. Seeing the parents fighting, feeling like the cause of it, hating the step parent, not wanting to hate the step parent hearing vitriol from one parent about the other.

It's it, it can tear a kid apart.

Jessica: [00:18:39] That's very true. And Sean said, he speaks on that as a child who came from that kind of environment. So he firsthand knows the, the push pull feeling of being in a situation like that. And I don't know, am I speaking for you? When I say that that was pretty traumatic,

Sean: [00:19:00] it was very traumatic and don't get me wrong.

Doesn't mean I don't get pissed off at her ex-husband and that there are arguments and fights, but we have very good communication and we at least are all on the same page and no matter what's happening, we can always come to an agreement. And it's, it's a blessing for, it's a blessing for our daughter that we can all get along.

Jessica: [00:19:23] This is alone, a game changer for everyone. It really is. So try and find ways to, uh, to create this relationship with the other parents.

Sean: [00:19:34] You don't have to be best friends with them, right. Just need to be able to communicate and come to an understanding.

Jessica: [00:19:41] Exactly. So speaking of, of Gamechangers, let's talk about looking for ways to connect with the child, which is not something that people typically think of when they think of being a step parent.

In some shape or form. We kind of just think that the blocks lay, where they lay and there's nothing we can do about it. And I'm married to the, the other parents. So it is what it is. That's not, that's not how it should go. You took the time to wheel your partner. You took the time to find a connection with them and believe it or not.

You're kind of, I don't want to say marrying the child, but you've got to find a connection and find a way to platonically woo. The child too. Right. Find your common interest and yeah. Where you can connect.

Sean: [00:20:35] Yeah. You don't need to make it weird with wooing and everything, but yeah, of course

Jessica: [00:20:39] you need to know the words.

Sean: [00:20:41] And so I asked Sam permission to marry

Jessica: [00:20:43] you and

Sean: [00:20:44] I danced with her at our wedding and. I try to find ways to connect to her all the time and the number one way. Hello, this is going to come as such a shocker to everybody. The number one way. Ready? Are you ready for this? The number one way to connect with a child is the same number one way to connect with anyone, sit down and talk to them and listen to them.

Do less of the talking and more of the listening. W when you, when you. When you can make that child feel like you're getting to know them and you care about them and their interests and their struggles and their anguish and their joy and their interests. I might've said interests already. That's how you connect with them.

And I do that a lot with our daughter, even though she might not realize it. But it even comes through and she'll mention something. And even my wife will say, Oh, I didn't know that about you. And I'll be like, yeah, she dah, dah, dah, dah. How do you know that, honey? I listened to her. That's how so people like to talk.

They like to talk about themselves and they love it when people listen to it.

Jessica: [00:21:50] Yes, and it really does build trust and love and a bonding relationship. And it's truly going to be the pivotal point for the both of you finding ways that you can accomplish this with your stepchild is. Really important to how the child connects with you and it makes parenting them a whole lot easier.

Um, finding activities, common interests, like Sean had mentioned hobbies that the two of you can do, maybe take them to run errands with you and stop for ice cream and make it a new tradition for the two of you. Even if it's just sitting and talking to them, like Sean mentioned really getting to know them and them to get to know you as well.

I mean, really children are just like little adults in the sense that they have their own personalities, their own interests, their own dislikes. And you might learn that that little kid has, uh, quite a bit of depth to them. This is quite possibly one of the most important things that you could do for your marriage and your relationship with the child.

So this isn't to say that pushback is never going to be a factor with the child, no matter how close you are or how good the relationship. It is innate biological, not personal. It's going to happen,

Sean: [00:23:07] especially if they're a teenage girl.

Jessica: [00:23:09] Yes,

Sean: [00:23:10] no offense.

Jessica: [00:23:10] Ladies stepping back in these moments instead of facing it, head on like a Ram and forcing some parental and authoritative figure over the child will save you.

The children and you and your spouse from so many arguments and it really helps to keep the environment and the dynamics safe and calm.

Sean: [00:23:35] Here's your takeaway right here? Something easy to remember when there's pushback, if you're the step parent, you need to step back.

Jessica: [00:23:44] There you go. I like that. We should monetize that.

Sean: [00:23:48] We

Jessica: [00:23:48] should. So don't get caught up in your expectations. We've talked about this a lot on the show. Don't get caught up in your hopes and your dreams and your ideals of what you think that this relationship with the child is going to look like. I mean as those aren't real and it'll set you and everyone else up in that family for failure, except what is, and work towards healthy communication around the home between you and your spouse and you, when the kids allow things to take place organically and don't force it, it may seem hard and like, it'll take forever, but it will happen and it'll take place in the way that it was meant to be.

And maybe just not the way that you hoped or wished for. But it'll be beautiful in its own way for the step-parent remember you're a person. And so are the children. Sometimes we just don't like people. We are all in fact people with opinions and some people do rub us the wrong way. Maybe it's personal.

Maybe it's not, but either way you have to allow for the chance that you may never be accepted. The way that you had hoped for, there are still ways to live in peace in your home, in those kinds of circumstances. And chances are, if you respect that, no matter how hard it is or how much it hurts, your chances of changing their mind become much better instead of doing it the other way and forcing something on them.

Sean: [00:25:21] And remember, it's not about you, it's about what's best for the child. Usually, usually most of the time.

Jessica: [00:25:29] Exactly. So, you know, the last point that I want to make is when it comes to you and your spouse, if you're a, step-parent coming into this situation, and I know Sean kind of touched on it early on in this, but I kind of wanted to dive in a little bit deeper is criticizing your spouse for their parenting and their parenting choices.

That's not your place year. Hmm.

Wow. Would you like to add something to that? No, I

Sean: [00:26:08] think you're absolutely right. And you know, just to bring it back before she rips my head off here, uh, don't talk about differences in parenting in front of the kids. Stop, whatever you're doing. If there's a disagreement, just stop, whatever you're doing and talking about go somewhere where the kids aren't talk it over, then come back and present a United front.

Don't do that. Me against you, us against them kind of thing. If, if you have a stepchild who's resentful for whatever reason, uh, they're going to take that and think that they can, Oh, now it's me and mom or me and dad against the one that I'm resentful for. And we can gang up on them and that'll deflate a step-parent and make them feel left out and hurt.

And you know, it can happen the other way around too. The child can feel ganged up on if you're discussing stuff like that in front of them. And I mean, frankly, they don't have, they don't have any place here in about it. They don't have a say in it per se. I know that sounds kind of harsh, but just talk about it away from them.

Come back and present it as both your idea, both both of you were doing it. Yeah, one of you might have to swallow a little pride in it, but you know, be United.

Jessica: [00:27:19] Exactly. You know, it's it, you can't really implement your own ideas or criticize one another. You guys need to find a way to, to be, um, one in the same, especially in front of the children.

Um, because you can lose, the child could lose respect for one or both parents when you both are, are so divided on, on, uh, Anything, a topic, a situation, a circumstance. What have you. Um, and that's why, even though maybe you don't agree, you need to, to come, you need to act like you are. You need to save face.

So, and, you know, being supportive and helpful, it's not the same as being critical. So offering suggestions and tips is perfectly okay. As long as you don't step on one another's toes, um, we need to allow each person to have their own respect. Um, Everyone's going to have different parenting styles. And just because you don't agree with it doesn't mean that you get to change it as being someone looking at the situation from another angle.

There are definitely things that you're going to see that could be improved on your spouses and, and maybe they didn't even know. Realize it, but again, this isn't being critical. This is what having a life partner is about is helping us be better people, better parents, better workers, better lovers, be open to hearing, to listening and truly understanding what the other person has to say.

And you might find that there are areas that you can improve on. So

Sean: [00:28:50] takeaways, communication, step back when you need to. Don't try to force anything, listen

Jessica: [00:29:02] bond with the child,

Sean: [00:29:04] but they didn't try to force the bond.

Jessica: [00:29:06] Don't force it, except what is, if it's just, you're never going to be able to bond with the child accepted and just keep doing what you need to do to keep the child safe

Sean: [00:29:16] parenting in general and especially step parenting is one of them.

The most frustrating things in life that you can do. And one of the most rewarding things in life that you can do. And remember in those really trying times where you're feeling beaten down and you feel like you're not getting anywhere and you feel it inside you, right. You just want him to listen. You just want them to do something different and they're not, and they're not.

Remember that there's probably going to come a point, whether you're the parent or the step parents sometime in the future. And it might be decades from now where they're going to come to you and they're going to look at you and they're going to say, thank you. And in those most trying moments, that's what I, that's what I hold on to.

And that's what I think about. And they might not realize it now, but at some point they're going to come back. Thank

Jessica: [00:29:58] you.

Sean: [00:29:59] If you're doing the right thing, if you're not, then you need to get out. Sorry.

Jessica: [00:30:07] I hope you guys enjoyed the show today, please. Don't forget to subscribe to the podcast so that you get alerts.

When we upload another show. And as I said at the beginning of the podcast, please don't hesitate to ask me questions or let me know if there's a topic you'd like to hear more about. Our website is www.totheconfidentmarriage.com. You can like and follow us on social media, Facebook at the confident marriage, Twitter, the CE marriage show and Instagram at confident

Sean: [00:30:44] marriage.

Now I'm going to come in and hijack it again. So, uh, there's kind of an elephant in the room that we didn't talk about. Um, been a while since you've heard from both of us and like, hello, we're in the middle of a let's, let's go over 2020 in a glance right now. We're in the middle of a pandemic. There's been wildfires.

All we live in California, the whole state burned to a crisp we've got hurricane after hurricane battering, the Gulf coast. We had one of the most contentious, crazy presidential elections of all time riots all summer long. The country's in turmoil. People are in turmoil, stuck at home with the kids. The kids are not in school.

Um, it hit home for us. It's hit home for us a couple of times. I'm even right now on the tail end of a 14 day quarantine because someone at my, uh, at my work tested positive for coronavirus and I worked pretty much within two feet of them for a whole day. Uh, before we found out he was positive, I'm thankfully negative, but, uh, It's hitting everybody.

Don't hesitate if you need help, whether it's with marriage or with anything, or you just need someone to talk to, to reach out to Jessica because she really can help. And she's been through almost all of it. And we just want to wish everybody well, it's going to be over at some point, but we wish you all health and safe.

Jessica: [00:32:04] Thank you all for listening. Stay healthy and well.