Episode 13: Toxic Behaviors

Is your relationship feeling a bit under the weather? Is something poisoning your love life? Could be your relationship is suffering from toxic shock syndrome. In this week's episode of The Confident Marriage, Jessica and Sean address the many subtle and not so subtle toxic behaviors that erode a marriage or any relationship! There are so many huge toxic behaviors that are so obvious. Some of the subtle ones are not, though these usually stem from some of the bigger ones. Please join us as we dive into the polluted waters of...Toxic Behaviors-what they are, how to identify them, and (most importantly) what you can do to rid your relationship of them!

Episode Transcript

This is a confident marriage podcast. And I'm your host, Jessica. And I'm your co-host Sean. Thank you for joining us for a very special episode of the confident marriage. But before we get started, please, don't forget to subscribe to the podcast. If you have a favorite app that you use to listen to podcasts, just search our name.

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We do. I don't think that that will ever get old for us. Every single one of you matter. And I don't think that's something that we could ever take for granted because you are why we do what we do. All right. We're here. And we do this because of you. You can also subscribe to our new newsletter. If you haven't already, when you're on the mailing list, you get first dibs on new podcasts before anyone else exclusive news and more, you can do all that and get all the social media links on our website.

www.theconfidentmarriage.com. Yes, please do that. I've been working really, really hard on the newsletters. I hope you guys like it. If you're checking us out for the first time. Welcome. Bye. We're so glad that you found us. We're a little different here. Uh, Sean and I have been through it all between personal life and our marriage, and we really have the tried and true experience, the knowledge and the success though.

We are both very much still a work in progress. Definitely know we don't have it all figured out nor do we even try to pretend that we do. We really shouldn't have made it. No, we shouldn't have neither of us, but we buckled down and put in a lot of hard work. And we did this through research and drawing on our personal experience.

And we used our determination and drew on a lot of inner strength to defy those odds. All that we do comes from a genuine desire to pass on what we've learned and genuinely help others. We feel so blessed to be here where we are, and this is our way to pay forward. What was given to us most definitely.

So if you're one of our regular listeners worse, so happy to have you back, and we're grateful to have you as a part of the confident marriage family, we really do appreciate your support and we hope you share us with others. We have a whole bunch of exciting news coming for you guys in the next few weeks.

So make sure you stay tuned, stay connected because we'll announce those as they come. I think that you guys are really going to love it all. Um, I talked about the. Uh, contest last week and we do have a winner. I announced him on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. Yeah. So I'm super excited for him. And, uh, last week, Sean posted his bio on the website.

It kind of choked me up a little bit. It reminded me of how far he really has come. You know, it breaks my heart. When I hear about the things that he went through in his addiction and his childhood and. It just a huge reminder of what we've been through and where we are today. It's you wouldn't recognize either one of us.

No, but I wouldn't be where I am if I hadn't gone through all that. And I draw on that every day to stay where I'm at. I agree with that 100%. So I mentioned that this is a really special episode, Sean, and I really wanted to touch on the effects of. COVID, but I'm not talking about health wise. I'm talking about in your family, in your home, in your, your marriage, because COVID, hasn't just hurt people physically.

And may God rest the souls of those who have passed. It's awful, but. The day to day routines, the day-to-day life has just completely come to a stop and there is so much going on. So many wheels spinning at the same time, we really felt like we wanted to dedicate this episode to helping all of those families who are really, really struggling with the effects of this horrible disease.

So. A couple of years ago, I think there was a show on cable TV or on network TV called the new normal, well, guess what, we're living in the new normal now. And it's been, it's been almost a year since we've been under the spectrum of this pandemic and, you know, take or leave what you want. Um, It's been all over the place and people are so opinionated on it, and we're not going to get into any of that here, but we want to deal with some of the concrete things that are affecting everyone.

So several new problems and dynamics in the world, in the family, in your personal life, in your, uh, in your career. And so a lot of things are coming up for all of us and. A lot of them are things that I had to deal with, uh, during my addiction and in getting over that addiction. So there's a lot of negative internal processes that I, and every other addict go through in the midst of addiction and trying to come out of that addiction.

And one of them is living in fear and living in uncertainty and having anxiety. And when you're in your addiction, you have fear over getting caught or not being able to get the drugs you want, or, uh, what's going to happen to your life. Are you going to end up homeless, you know, uncertainty about the future, not being able to hold a job anxiety all the time.

And I think everybody is kind of going through that now, you know, people are living in fear about, about many things about their health, about their future, about their employment, about finances, about what's going to happen in this country. What's going to happen to the world. Is this the new normal? Is this going to be our new reality?

And in all that uncertainty that brings up a lot of anxiety and people are kind of, you know, one of the things that happens to addicts is they run on fear. And when you're running on fear, you're not thinking rational. You're not making good decisions. You're not being healthy. And I think a lot of people are running on fear right now, and it's through that uncertainty and that anxiety.

And it's all just kind of making this perfect storm of internal feelings. So it seems so bad and everything can seem so bad, but I guess the message I want to bring to this special is that all that bad. Can be turned into good. And you know, there's a school of psychology that believes that, uh, you don't achieve personal growth without going through some kind of adversity.

First, you have to have some kind of conflict and resolve that conflict in order to achieve growth. So I came up with my handy little equation because I'm kind of a science nerd and, and what I came up with and what I want to pass on to you is adversity. Plus perseverance. Equal strength and growth. And in this time that we are stuck at home and we can't continue with our normal day to day activities, there's a way to take all that time and turn it into something useful and grow yourself as a person and grow yourself as a family, grow yourself in your marriage.

And we want to talk about how you can turn all this adversity into strength and growth. Absolutely. That was wonderful. So the first topic that I would like to start with is one that we're all having a hard time admitting, but we're all experiencing and that's too much time together. It's um, bittersweet.

We always wish that we were home more and yet here we are, and we're wishing that we could get out more. And so really it's, um, it's a time to really connect with. So just a little personal story here. Uh, so when all this went down, so I work far away from home and I'm usually gone. All the time during the week.

Like I leave the house at four in the morning, three in the morning and I'm not home until six 30 at night. So, so I'm always wanting more time at home. Everybody's always wanting more time for us to be together. And then all of a sudden they shut the job I was on down and I was furloughed. And for two and a half months, we were all crammed in the house together made Jessica, the kids, everybody.

Yup. And so we had to learn ways to cope. Yeah. And so when you experienced that too much time together, there's some things that you can do to kind of recenter yourself to find those moments of peace and calm those nerves. And maybe a little bit of claustrophobia. One of those ways is maybe do some quiet time in separate rooms when things start getting a little too loud or hectic or.

Everybody just seems to kind of be getting on each other's nerves that never happens here. Right? Uh, one of the things that you could do is a quiet time for each person, maybe go to separate rooms and read or listen to music on the headphones or, uh, work on a little project. You've wanted to do duct tape the kids to a tree that's against the law.

I'm just kidding. Don't do that. No. Um, but just cutting is some time to separate and it really does teach the kids some independence and kind of how to calm themselves and find something to do outside of getting a mom and dad's hair. Right. Another one that is really, really helpful is a daily schedule for you and the kids.

Especially if you're working from home, that is a life saver. It's really difficult to put a schedule together and to implement it. But after a few weeks, I promise you, you guys will get the hang of it and it will be the lifesaver structure is super important. Especially the kids, little kids. They really, really need that.

So start by brainstorming on what are the things that you want to accomplish for the day and what you want your daily schedule to look like. And then Google templates for schedules, uh, type it up, print it out and give everybody their schedule and have them be on the same page with you. It really, really helps a lot.

And for the kids, it'll bring a little, so everything's so uncertain nowadays from day to day, uh, it'll bring certainty to the kids. They'll they'll. Know what to expect each day. I think, yeah. Another one is get some exercise, go for a walk by yourself. If you can. When Sean first was furloughed, he and I went for a walk every single morning and sometimes even in the evenings and it was super, super awesome.

It was nice. We have the privilege of having a teenager at home. So she was able to watch our little one free babysitting. If you don't have that privilege, if there are people that you are in contact with and you do see then, uh, see if you can lean on them. Or wait until your spouse is home. If they're out of the home or you and your spouse take turns going for that walk, but that walk alone, it doesn't have to be brisket.

You don't have to be going out there to lose a whole bunch of weight. Just a walk for 10, 20 minutes can really clear your mind and that fresh air it's just refreshing. Get out of the house for a little bit. Yeah. Another thing that you can do. It allows you to kind of break away from the family and the whole dynamic and gives you something to look forward, to learn a new language or a new skill that you've wanted to try.

Let's see,

my husband knows more Spanish than I do, which is. Super confusing because my family is from Nicaragua. Yeah. And total white boy. But, um, so I laugh at myself because, uh, I didn't, I didn't learn Spanish and there's reasons for that. I'll get into it another time, but I am working on my Spanish and my grandmother is very, very proud that I'm learning my native language, but yeah.

Another thing you can do is pick up a hobby, find something that's safe and, um, something you've always wanted to do if you can't get out there and do it right now, because COVID will per Hibbett you from really doing it, then start research and prepare for that hobby. So when things are safer, you can jump right in and, and do it.

One of the things that can really be a downer and. A problem when you spend too much time together is just the frustration of all the dynamics and personalities going on in the home. Try to accept each person for who they are. Even those little kids, we're all different. We own have, we all have our own personalities and our own quirks.

So really coming to a place of acceptance. For who people are and an appreciation for it will really, really damper the impact of the frustration that can take place when you're mixing so many personalities. I think you hit on something really important there with acceptance. So again, from my addiction background, but one of the most important things in dealing with adversity is you have to have an acceptance that the situation is what it is and the external situation is not going to change.

And you can feel very powerless in that, but if you can gain acceptance that this is how it is, this is how it's going to be. Then you can take power from that situation by doing what you can to affect how you're reacting to it. You might not be able to change that there's a pandemic in the world and that we're all locked down and that there's a fear of getting a disease, but you can change how you're reacting to it and what you do with it.

And that'll give you a sense of power. Exactly. Which really brings me to making sure that that each of you are having time for personal self-care, that's super, super important when you have so much going on around you and you don't really have much time to yourself. Getting that time in alone is going to be the savior of you.

So for me, That's baths. That's uh, playing a little game on my phone, watching a little bit of TV for shine. He likes to typically watch football or work on a project he's been wanting to do around the house, around the house a lot. Yeah. So making sure that each parent is getting that self care time is really, really important for your mental health and will really help you stay centered and focused.

Now there are other problems that can come up with too much time together that are in a whole different hemisphere, from what we're talking about. And these are serious problems. And I'm talking about things like emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, drug abuse. And if these are problems in your personal life or in your relationship, they're all going to be magnified, especially if you're stuck at home with someone who has those tendencies and what we're talking about here.

Is not on that level. And if you're having any of those kinds of things going on, um, there are ways that you can get help, even if you feel trapped right now because of the situation in the world. And we will make sure to list some resources that can help you, uh, what we list them on the website. We wouldn't list them in the show notes.

Okay. Yeah. We will have those resources in the show notes. Uh, those are serious problems that we can't help with. We're not qualified, right? Well, especially with the drug addiction and the alcoholism. It's really hard to get to meetings right now. And a lot of people are struggling, staying clean and staying sober, and we don't want to see.

You or your family suffer. So definitely seek help. If you need a little bit of guidance and help in that email, me and I will get you in contact with some people to help you. So this all seems so sobering and it's not our usual happy go lucky, yay episode. It's been a horrible year. It has, it really has.

Pandemic protests, California burned to the ground. Not quite a cane after hurricane. It's been, it's been, come on 2021. No it stop it. It's gotta be better than this. Don't jinx it. So for the kids, uh, keeping them really active. Again, those walks go outside to play. Whether it's the backyard or the front yard, uh, teach them to ride a bike or take them for a bike ride.

Keeping the kids active is super important for them. They are so used to running around on the playground, on their recess or going to the park. And they really are these little balls of energy who need to just kind of run around. So yeah, my daughter wasn't like that so much, but our son is most definitely has many in devil.

Yes. Yeah. So keep them active. That'll really help keep them calm and centered and give them a feeling of like some normalcy and fun. Um, make them more integrated in the household operation. So, you know, talk about what is going to be happening with the family and what's going to be happening in the household and start to include them in that, um, things that you and your wife would normally discuss about, you know, what chores need to be done.

What's for dinner. What activities we're going to do. You can start including the kids in that. Hey son or daughter. What w what, is there anything you'd like to cook this week? Would you like to learn how to bake? Is there something you'd like for dinner helped me make out this chart to see who does, what chores, when that's really good?

Yeah. One of the things that I do with our kids is we'll grab takeout once or twice a week. And so I'll ask them, what do you guys want for dinner tonight? Pick anything our four year old always wants burritos every single time. Yeah. Ugh. We're tired of burritos with the little one. I have him help me around the house.

He'll follow me around the house and I'll give him quote, unquote jobs. And so these jobs consist of little tours that are appropriate for his age. So would you help me take the trash out, which you go put the cup on the counter? Would you help me feed the animals? So kind of keeping them active with me and moving around and doing things makes them feel special and like they're big.

And then my teenage daughter, she has a list of chores that she has to do, and we have to hold a gun to her head to make her do any of them. I mean, it's very hard to get teenagers to do chores, but she does have a list of chores that she's got to do. So those are ways that you can get them integrated and really teach them about, you know, being an adult adulting.

It's lots of fun. And one thing you want to avoid. And it's so hard this day and age is, um, try to limit electronics time. I know when you're stuck at home, it's so easy to turn on the TV or get onto YouTube or watch a movie or play video games, but make sure that's not all they're doing all day long.

It's not good for their brain. No, no, though. One of the things that I do with our teenager though, is I have her watch Ted talks and YouTube videos on things that are beneficial for her. So things like on organization or better study habits. And I had her watch a few videos on body image. So teenage girls and body image, those are some really big things.

So I just went through Ted talks and YouTube and found things that I really felt like would be beneficial for her. So if you are going to do electronics. Make sure that they're educational and helpful. Yeah. I work in some of the educational, it's turning a bad thing into a good thing. You know, it's a way for them to get a little self-improvement and self-growth that they wouldn't necessarily have time for otherwise.

And so another thing you can do with the kids is, uh, separate from their regular chores. You know, talk to them about maybe performing acts of service for the family, acts of kindness for their siblings or for you, or just for the household and the family in general, you know, you can have them do little things separate from their chores that are, that are kind of, you know, spend a half hour drawing with your little brother, spend 10 minutes reading to your baby brother or sister.

Or you could have the older ones maybe rake up the neighbor's leaves. If they're older, uh, bring over some food to them, you know, leave it at the porch and text or call them that there's some food there. Good, good. Maybe going through their toys and bagging up the toys and the books and the clothes that they don't use anymore.

And take it to a donation site for those who are needy. And also don't keep your kids in the dark about what's going on in the world. And that doesn't mean you have to tell them everything about what's going on. Don't scare them. No, you don't have to scare them, but let them know and let them, let them learn what's happening because knowledge is power.

And if they know about it, it takes a little bit of that fear out of it. And. Above everything, reassure them that this is temporary, this isn't how it's going to be a year from now. This isn't how it's going to be for the rest of their lives. This is temporary. And we're getting through it day by day. Yeah.

I talked to our son often about what we're going to do. When there's a vaccine, you know, and the things that he used to love, I talked to him, you know, we're going to be doing this soon again and just wait for a little while you'll be back in baseball and you're going to have your friends. And I encourage him.

I did get him a phone. So he could talk with his friends. So now he calls his friends on kids messenger and he talks with his friends that he misses a lot and they play games together and they laugh together. And it really is something that helps keep him feeling like he's connected. And he hasn't lost his friends.

Right. It was heartbreaking. He broke down crying one day and we asked him what was wrong. And he said, my friends don't want to see me anymore. They don't like me. And he, he didn't understand and couldn't process that they can't see him right now and even explaining it to them. I don't think he quite got it.

So he needed that connection with his friends and that's the only way he's able to get it. Yeah. And through that, I think he understands a lot better that it's not just us, it's other people too. And so now he gets it a lot better and he gets that connection. Right. So on the other side of too much time together, Is how to utilize quality time together as a family.

And there's a couple of things that we've done that have been really, really awesome. And so one of them is a game night. You can do a board game, a card game, or even like a console game, a PS4 and Xbox, my husband and I, we play beat saber with the kids and we have a blast and it's highly physical. Impact.

So you get a lot of exercise doing it too. You could cook together. Sean kind of talked about that earlier, but you could cook together as a family and have the kids maybe, um, put the salad together or teach them how to flip eggs. I don't know. There's all kinds of different ways that kids can help with cooking.

Yeah. We all love cooking over here and I've taken the pandemic as time to try to learn how to smoke anything and everything meat. Oh, yes. He smoked a Turkey for Thanksgiving and it was the juiciest, most flavorful Turkey I've ever had. It was pretty good. We posted it on Facebook. So you guys should check that out if you haven't.

Um, another thing that you guys could do is teach the kids to do chores. If they're not already doing it, we talked a little bit about that and keeping the kids active, but, uh, taking that time to just kind of walk them through it and teach them how to do it. Again, find things that are age appropriate for them.

One of the things that I really enjoy doing with the kids, but I'm kind of a neat freak is organizing their room as a family. So. I know, right. I guess this is just me, but go room by room and kind of go through all that stuff that you guys have and get rid of the things that you don't organize things.

So there's no more mom where's this mom where's that. Or even honey, where'd you put my blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So just kind of take this time. Right when I put my blue. Oh, we sound like somebody we heard on the news right now. We better stop. Good. So really just take that time to organize your home. It, it feels really good and it really does give your family something to do together.

And then you never know, you find things that you've lost for like decades. And then it's like, Oh my God, there it is. Well, and not to mention if you're going to be cooped up in the house, if your environment affects very much, so very much so, so that's a really good project you guys could work on.

Another one is I'm sure many of you guys are already doing it is movie night, take turns, picking movies. My daughter picked a movie. I wouldn't have ever thought of seeing. And it ended up being really, really great. One of the best movies I've seen in a long time take turns talking about your day. We do this a lot.

We did it before COVID, but we really started doing it more since COVID started. So. What we do is we, when we're sitting down, it's either at the dinner table, usually. Or when we're just kind of sitting in the living room all on our phones, we'll strike up a conversation and we'll ask each other questions and we'll go around the room.

And the questions are things like what made you happy today? What made you sad today? What made you laugh? What made you laugh? What made you frustrated? What would you have liked to accomplish that you didn't? What did you accomplish that you were proud of? These are great conversation starters. They are, and you might get pushback from.

From some of the older kids and they might not want to talk and you might get answers like noon, but you know, keep at it, keep at it. And eventually when everybody else is interacting, they're going to jump into. Yeah, it's really, really great. And it's fun. Another thing that you could do is talk about goals for the week, maybe on Sunday or.

Monday night, sit down and talk about what you want to accomplish that week and hold each other accountable and support one another. Throughout the week. I want to lose weight. I've gained a little bit of COVID weight, which is super disheartening for me because I had lost 150 pounds and I've gained like 20 of that back.

And I worked really hard to lose. She looks amazing. Ladies and gentlemen, don't listen to her. You're blinded by love, whatever it is it's working well, which brings me back to exercising as a family walks, bike rides. Yeah. The kids love going on bike rides as a family. We were doing that quite a bit and we've kind of stopped, but they could be really, really refreshing and the kids have a blast.

Some of the things I talked about this with the kids, but, uh, you can do it as a family has picked some Ted talks and watch them together, discuss it as a family. Maybe. What did you find helpful about it? What did you like? What is something that you want to make sure you remember? How can you implement it in your life?

Talking about it really helps. It's helps you remember it. It's one of the key ways of remembering something after you've learned it is to talk about it and discuss it and share what you've learned. And not only talking about your day with your family and taking turns there and talking about Ted talks or something else that you watch, but talk to your kids regularly about how they're dealing with everything going on, find out how they're dealing with homeschool, find out how they're liking or disliking being at home, how they're, how they're feeling about what's going on and what their fears are and what their hopes are.

Yeah. Really getting into the things that you're. Kids are enjoying. Yeah. My son watches a certain YouTube channel and it's so annoying, but I've started watching it with him and. Talking with them about it and spending time with him in it. And it's really helped us bond, even though it annoys the crap out of me.

Yeah. So I mean, kids are totally into the YouTube videos, so you can ask them about who they're watching on YouTube. Maybe have them share some of the videos with you. Uh, play a game with them. We talked about movies going into a movie. If they're reading a book, ask them about the book. That's really a great way to, to spend time together as a family and show your kids that you're interested in them.

If it's not something you're already doing. Another one is reading a book together as a family. We haven't done this yet, and I've wanted to, but taking turns, reading out loud or one person reading, there are so many awesome books out there that you guys could read as a family. I'm even if you have little kids and you read a little kid's book, it really is a great way to, to bond and.

I really do try to stay away from religion and spirituality on the show because we really are open-minded and unbiased people. We're not ones to say. We believe one thing or another, or one way is the right way. And the other is not. But whatever that spirituality, if there is one for you, whatever that looks like, maybe get back in touch with it as a family.

Maybe, if you believe in praying, pray together as a family, read your Bible as a family. I wanted to say your book, but I well, and if you're not, if you're not into organized religion, which is fine, you know, meditate. Yeah. Could you imagine us trying to meditate with our son? Yeah. I don't think that would work out so well.

That would be hilarious for the parents who try to do it with the younger kids.

I guess if it doesn't work with the kids, just do it together, which we've had some good times meditating together. Oh goodness. I was just starting to go into focus on the marriage and you had to take it. Oh, we focus that right. Wow. Anyway, marriage last but not least. The whole purpose of this show is your marriage.

How'd your spouse can be really hard. Hmm, when you're at home all the time. I think she's talking about me. No, I'm hard to deal with too. I just a little bit, she tried to rearrange the living room the other day again, if, if I could defend myself in that I would, but I can't say, and then decided that it was fine just the way it was pretty much.

Can we put everything that.

That like hits almost every single topic. We had, the kids involved, we got some exercise gets involved. We brainstorm together a daughter sat on the couch, whatever couch it was. I was trying to move. She was sitting on it. So your marriage, it goes without saying that, uh, this is a really good time to get in some regular intimacy.

If you have to schedule it, schedule it. Um, if you could be spontaneous, be spontaneous, but getting in touch again, pun intended, getting in touch again with one another. I like this part of the show, ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to do my Barry white voice. Tell me more, honey. It really, really does recreate that bond.

There's something about sexual intimacy. That really brings two people together in a way that's hard to accomplish in any other situation. That's very true. It is true. And make it fun, you know, and I don't know how crazy you want to get with it, but, you know, you can make little fun challenges. Like, let's see how many rooms of the house we can be intimate in or how many different times a day, or I don't know, explore it, have fun with it.

Most definitely. Um, do you do with your Barry white voice? Don't do that. Sorry. I do like it when she says it's country voice. I'm not going to do it on the radio hall. Ladies, maybe buy some new lungs. Dre. I started including my husband in the ads I was getting for luxury sales and he enjoyed helping me find pieces and then I'd order them.

And then he got to see me. So that was a lot of fun. That was a lot of fun though. I hate doing it because of it. He doesn't let me stay in them long enough for me to dude, I put this on and I did my hair and makeup. And now you want me to just take it all off? Do you know how much work this was? That's a whole other episode for a whole other show.

Some things should be flattered that I just wanted to see her without all that she doesn't need any fancy dressing, right? Oh, you're too charming. I can't win. So more intimacy. Now I can use my country voice that a lady we are going to have to do an episode on intimacy. Yeah. We're getting sidetracked here.

Yes. So another one, uh, to focus on your marriage a little bit more. I need to refocus myself right now. Ladies and gentlemen we'll be right back. No, we won't be each other's support and remain a unit for the kids' sake and your sake too. So I talked earlier about how I've gained a little bit of COVID weight.

It doesn't help me. When my husband at nine 30 at night says, let's go get ice cream. And I'm like, uh, okay, COVID waiting. I don't care. You don't understand. Yeah, no. I have a bad habit of eating candy in bed and cookies in bed. He's a big sweet sky cake in bed. So be each other's support and remain a unit remaining.

A unit looks like being on each other's team when things are getting rough in the house. Sean and I have to pull each other back every now and then, but in front of the kids, we, we remain United and sometimes behind closed doors, we kind of have to. Real one another and say, okay, you went too far here or just take a moment and breathe.

That's that's gonna be really important because you guys have to manage this home together as a team. So being a unit is super, super important. Yeah. Look, the kids are gonna be, be looking to you and your spouse as their support and their. Rock in getting through this and, and anything they would have to go through.

So maintaining that United front and showing that you're together, no matter what, and that the family is going to stay in tech, no matter what, we'll give them the strength to get through this. Yeah. And it also really helps them feel stable and secure. And as if something is consistent, if you and your partner at EY are at each other, it really does.

Everything's already crazy. And it just makes the kids feel even more insecure. So. That's super, super important. If you have a babysitter, a babysitter, I don't know what a babysitter is. They sat Saturday babies and a dog, but a puppy, you know, like an English setter. Yeah. What a babysitter. Yeah. What she said.

So if you have a babysitter or a family member, uh, go for a long scenic drive together, uh, talk to one another during that drive about your frustrations, the brick walls, you're hitting things that you're grateful for. Spend that time, just reconnecting emotionally with one another. Cause I know that's really hard to do with the family.

And then by the time the kids are asleep, you guys are just too wiped to talk. So yeah, I know the drive thing, one of the things that I did with. Not just Jess, but our kids also is, uh, so I work far away. We live in Sacramento area and I work in the Bay area usually, which is about a two hour drive. And I took them all one weekend down to San Francisco, uh, South San Francisco and showed them the job that I was working on because they never get to see it.

Yeah. So I brought her and the kids out there and we made a fun day out of it, but, you know, brought him down, showed them, Hey, there, there's what daddy's building. Yeah. It was really, really cool. Date night, you guys need to do a date night when the kids are finally asleep and that can be really simple. It doesn't have to be all fancy and thought out and planned, but dessert by the fire.

Read a marriage book again. If you guys are religious, pray together, meditate with one another, give each other massages, have sex again and again, and again, and again. Something that Sean does a lot that I don't do enough of is just stop and hug and kiss one another. Whether you're passing in the home or standing in the kitchen, or just sitting in the living room, watching TV, just embrace each other for a while, just hug one another and fill each other's bodies and just breathe that in.

And if your spouse isn't open to that, you can just hang mistletoe all over the house because it's Christmas time and then they'll have to do it. He stops me under the mistletoe often and look up as like, Oh, I was in the middle of doing the laundry. Dammit. Laundry is still going to be there in 30 seconds.

Go for walks alone. We've talked about this so much. Why am I so big on the water? Yes, we're going to need to start going on. Walks again, message sent. Received. And we had a simple date night. The other night. We, we left the kids with a, with a relative that we knew was going to be safe to leave him with.

And we went and watched the Mike Tyson fight and just kind of chilled out and watched two 50 plus year olds. Well, they didn't really beat each other up. No Snoop dog had the best line when he said it's like watching two of my uncles fight at a barbecue. If you guys miss that fight. Oh my gosh. It was so much fun.

We had a blast. So speaking about doors, you could always go in your backyard and lay a blanket out and just look at the stars. They're really, really beautiful. I mean, if you're in an area where you can see him, I know that there's some places that is really heavily populated and it's hard to see them, but if you can see them, that's really romantic.

And even if you can't see the stars, just go out there and lay out on a blanket. Yeah. Outside, you'll never know what it leads to put some romantic lighting on music. The other thing that you could do to, uh, connect your marriage a little bit more is. Call your parents together and talk to them as. Uh, unit as a team, uh, Sean will call his mom and he'll have her on speaker and we'll both talk to her at the same time and she'll talk to us and it's actually a lot of fun and it helps grow that relationship between me and my mother-in-law.

And, uh, we do it with my grandparents and my mom and dad. And we constantly make sure that we're calling those people that are close to us in our lives that we can't see on a regular basis, a couple of times a week. And remember you, you guys, aren't the only ones that crave that personal contact during this pandemic.

Your relatives are probably craving that too. Yeah. Yeah. Speaking of conversations, this is a good time to have some of those really deep conversations and be open with one another. You can use this time to really work on your marriage and address some of those issues that you've put on the back burner though.

I don't feel like this is a time to really dig into anything deep because everybody is already really stressed out. And there's a lot going on. That is not to say that you should lie about things or not tell your spouse things. But where I'm trying to get with this is if you both really feel like.

Maybe you could work on your finances a little bit more talk about what that looks like and then maybe make a game plan for that. I think what you're trying to say is obviously if there's issues that need to be talked about that are present right now, talk about them, but don't try to like save the world right now.

Yeah. Don't try to, don't be doing too much don't DTM at right now, but. You know, yeah. Take the time to improve the areas of your marriage that you feel you can improve together, make a plan for your finances. If you're not happy with how your finances are, uh, make a plan for your spiritual development as a family.

If, if you're not happy with where that is. Right. And what we're trying to say is you got time right now. Probably use it, use it for something constructive. Don't sit there and fear and anxiety use it. Yeah. It's DTM thing. It's my thing. What does it mean? What if they don't know doing too much TTM? I just wondered.

Okay. You never know doing too much. Sometimes our daughter will say something and I'm just like, what is that? She's like really mom, you don't know what that is. Yeah, no, they don't even have. Like slang terms anymore. They just make noises. I don't even know what that means. Our scientists that now I'm like, Oh my goodness, where do you get that?

And then we hear it. We're like, Oh, that's worried. It was crazy. I got a hit play on the lawn. Stay off. My lawn lawns are for looking at not for playing on. Okay. Grumpy old man has come back. It's probably past my bedtime. It is so. You know, you talked a lot about addiction and anxiety and fear, but I never struggled with addiction and I'm going through so much anxiety and fear and uncertainty.

And I, like Sean said, we all are and making the best of this time that we can, in hindsight, it's going to be a drop in the bucket, but what we do with it, Will really impact the rest of our life. Yeah, you can. It's okay. I say it all the time. It's all about what you do with it. And you can sit in anxiety and you can sit in fear and, and you can sit and uncertainty and you can let it tear you down and you can let it tear down your marriage and your personal relationships and your family life.

Or you can take this adversity. And through a little perseverance, you can turn it into strength and growth. That's my equation, adversity. Plus perseverance equals strength and growth. I made that up myself and you're so smart. I want to copyright it. You shouldn't even have shirts made. Oh, we have masks masks coming, confident marriage masks.

I'm very, very excited. And we'll be given away some of those, we just haven't figured out how quite yet social media. I know, but. Speaking of that announcements to come. Yes. Lots of them. I'm so excited. So I did my first Facebook live video the other day. I felt like I did an awful, no, you did good. It was really good.

Thank you. Thank you. So check that out, cause I'm going to be doing more of that you guys, and, um, I hope you guys participate and I hope you enjoyed the show having enjoyed 20, 20 very much. No. If you have any suggestions that you would like to offer other families, things that you guys are doing in your home, in your marriage, with your kids, please feel free to message me.

And I'll give you a shout out on my social media, or I'll keep you anonymous if you want me to, but we are all in this together. I know we have all heard that over and over, but it is so, so true. Right? Just remember that we're going through a lot right now, but if, if you can get out of operating in fear and get into trying to take some of that power back, you can use this trying time to make a lot of positive changes in your life and in your marriage.

Exactly. And I know we dealt with a lot of problems and things you can do about them. In this episode, but just remember if there's something serious going on and you're feeling trapped at your, in your home by emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, drug abuse, going on, those are serious problems and they need to be addressed and you don't have to be, you don't have to be stuck in those.

And, uh, we're going to make sure to put in the show notes, uh, some resources for anybody. I was going through that. Yes. And you're not alone. You're not alone. Thank you all for joining us for the pandemic special, we will get back to our regular episodes next week. Yeah, we do next week. .