Episode 6: Porn , Your Brain Using Porn, and Your Marriage

The internet over the last several decades has become more and more accessible making it so easy to fulfill our fantasies in a discreet way without going outside of our marriage. The effects have been overlooked for so long, until specialists started seeing trends in people and their behavior associated with pornography. The dash to figure out what was going on started and they have discovered some pretty scary shit.

Let's talk about your spouse, what happens to them? It is crazy, it's scary and its going to take you by surprise.

We will cover the shocking science of porn and the effects it has on your spouse and marriage.

Epsiode Transcript

This is the confident marriage podcast. And I'm your host, Jessica. Thank you all for joining me today. I want to give a huge [00:01:00] shout out to all those who have subscribed to the podcast. Thank you. If you haven't subscribed yet, make sure you hit that subscribe button at the end of the show. Be sure to join me on Facebook at the confident marriage, Instagram, the confident marriage and Twitter, the see marriage show.

Please feel free to hook up with us on any of those social platforms. Send us a message or interact with the conversations going on. I love hearing from you guys. So I had a pretty, super cool weekend. We went camping and I, uh, did crabbing for the first time in my life. It was an absolute blast. I think we caught, I.

Close to 50 crabs. It was awesome. I was being called the crab whisper because they wouldn't pinch at me. And I was like petting them and talking to them and touching them. And they were so ugly. Cute. I couldn't resist, but I did fall into the ocean. So that was kind of scary with my husband's phone in the jacket.

So overall it was an awesome trip. So I'm rejuvenated and [00:02:00] definitely refreshed from that very cold ocean water, and very excited to be here. Bringing you episode six. Today, I'm going to be talking about pornography. It's becoming a very hot topic. As researchers, scientists, behaviors and psychologists are discovering the effect pornography has on people and their brains.

The internet over the last several decades has become more and more accessible, making it so easy to fulfill our fantasies in a discreet way without going outside our marriage. The effects have been overlooked for so long until specialists started seeing trends in people and their behavior associated with pornography, the dash to figure out what was going on started.

And they've discovered some pretty scary shit by now. You should all know. I don't discriminate. I'm very open and nonjudgmental. I do [00:03:00] not believe that pornography should be banned. I am not on that bandwagon. Almost pun intended. I do believe that pornography can be used in such a way that it doesn't hurt your marriage.

However, it is very important that this conversation takes place between you and your spouse first while respecting each other's opinions. Morals and values. You do need to be honest with yourself first though. What are your limitations and what are you really okay with and what are you not okay with?

If you need to write it out before the conversation takes place to make sure you have all your thoughts and your boundaries clear, then do that. Maybe as a couple, you decide to use pornography as something to increase your intimacy, but do it together. Not separately, maybe you and your spouse are both okay.

With one or the other using pornography alone. [00:04:00] However, having some limitations or guidelines on what you're okay with is recommended maybe one or both of you are not okay with the use of it at all. That also needs to be respected that does not, not give you a card to hide it and do it secretly, even if your spouse is okay with it, it's still betrayal and it will still do major damage to your marriage.

I want to talk to the guys for a second here. Those who are using pornography and think their spouse doesn't know. Yeah. It's just you and I for a moment there. Your spouse already knows it's not a secret because your spouse is married to you. They already know what your norm is when it comes to your sexuality, your behaviors, and most likely has even caught you without you even knowing maybe she's even found evidence.

Perhaps all of [00:05:00] the above people pick up on things very quickly and are able to put puzzle pieces together fairly fast. So if you're using pornography thinking your spouse doesn't know, I've got news for you. Research shows that 89% of wives know that their spouses are using pornography. Only 18% of men know that their wife is in the loop.

That's not very secretive. Is it spouses? Not only know that their partner is using them pornography. But they have a healthy idea of how often, where, and even when their partner is using it and they never tell their partner, they know, but this quote unquote secret is destroying your marriage, hurting your spouse, and eventually will be the end of your marriage over a half a million marriages.

[00:06:00] Every year end because of the use of pornography. That's over a million lives affected every year and that's not even including the children. That's a pretty steep number for something that people want to consider is not that big of a deal. It apparently is. I want to touch on your spouse knowing about it a little bit here.

And I'm going to share a personal story of mine in my previous marriage, before it was out about his use of pornography, he would often go to bed late and there were many times that I would wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom or roll over and he wasn't there and I'd get up and search the house for him.

And. I'd catch him in the office. And he never knew that I saw him, but I remember the first couple experiences [00:07:00] of seeing that and it was devastating. And had he known he would have been humiliated? I never told him, but I knew, and I knew for a really, really long time before we started talking about it now in my current marriage.

I knew about it as well. I talked earlier about how we know our spouses norms and we know when something's off and we're able to put puzzle pieces together fairly quickly. My husband is not good at hiding his emotions, even though he thinks he is. And I could tell there were days where he just wasn't himself.

And I'll talk later on about the effect pornography has on you in more detail, but one of them is erectile dysfunction, and that was something that was happening [00:08:00] continuously for a certain period, period of time in our marriage. And I knew what it was related to, and I knew what was going on, not to mention his response to pornography when I would jokingly bring it.

Up on my phone because I'm not against it. And there were times where I'd want to see something funny. I, I can have a pretty perverted mind at times. And one time I wanted to know if there was a poop fetish out there. And so I looked up poop porn. Yes, I did that. Yeah, and sure enough it's there, but there were other videos there too.

And there was this one woman who was incredibly beautiful and hot, and I brought her up and I was just shocked at how hot she was. And I called my husband over. I said, Hey honey, come look at this. And he comes running over and I show him my phone and it's this hot woman, you know? Doing the stuff with this other guy.

And he just about flipped out as if he was God watching it himself. He flipped out. And in that moment I knew something was wrong and I knew something wasn't right. There [00:09:00] were other things in his behavior, his demeanor things that had happened. I knew I knew what was going on. We don't hide the things that we're doing as well as we think we do.

I have heard story after story. About experiences like this. I had one wife. Tell me about how her husband would come home from work and go in the bathroom with his phone and would be in there for about an hour, hour and a half straight. And there was tons of evidence and clues that eventually led her to discovering he was using pornography in the bathroom.

These stories come up all the time amongst us women. We hear about it often. So we don't share it with our husband. We don't want to humiliate him, but we usually know, we usually know how and where if you and your spouse decided that pornography is okay in your [00:10:00] marriage, please be aware and be careful.

Pornography is addictive. It will change your brain doing permanent damage to it and your marriage. It's incredibly easy to get caught up in. And it's no different than using drugs or being an alcoholic. When we speak of addiction, it encompasses all and pornography is one of them. It's quite terrifying what we have discovered about how pornography affects our brains.

I don't usually get gender specific in my podcast, but this time I'm going to do that actually quite a bit. The reason is that most of the pornography use is by men. However, if I'm talking to a man who has a wife, or you are a woman who is seeking some understanding of her use, please know, I'm not leaving you out.

The supplies, just the same pornography releases, dopamine [00:11:00] and sexual activity alone releases, large amounts of dopamine. It releases it into your brain. That gives you a high. It gives you an immediate, easy stress release as well as the need for instant gratification is satisfied. Unfortunately, porn addiction is not an easy way to accomplish all of this without the serious side effects.

As people would think happens with drugs and alcohol dopamine released into the brain. Programs that to steer you into these dopamine, releasing behaviors, creating a habit, which unchecked becomes an addiction. The need to watch a news porn for self-gratification becomes so intense that you don't stop yourself.

You cannot help it. [00:12:00] Studies have shown that the amount of gray matter in your brain is greatly reduced when people use porn. If you don't know what the importance of gray matter is, let me explain it in detail. Gray matter contains most of the brain's neural cell bodies gray matter includes regions of the brain involved in muscle control, sensory perception, such as seeing hearing.

Memory emotions, speech decision-making and self control studies have proven that pornography use leads to erectile dysfunction and intimacy problems, making sex, lessen, deicing, and desirable. In addition, the typical woman's body becomes less and less attractive. Since you're used to seeing women who in pornography are often much more flawless than the average woman without realizing it, your [00:13:00] expectation and idea of what is attractive starts to change, therefore changing what you find visually appealing for a woman.

You also let yourself down when it comes to the actual act of sex, the idea. An expectation of what sex should be and look like is altered organically by porn viewing. So your expectations have now changed to what you quote unquote know when you're intimate with your partner. The lockdown is great. It's nothing like porn.

Most times you'll be more enticed to view porn, which seems much more exciting than being with your partner porn. Also objectifies women. I'm not talking about the women's movement here, so don't get your boxer briefs and a bunch thinking I'm going to start some protest chant. What I mean [00:14:00] is, again, Subconsciously your mind changes its view of women and they become objects to you no longer another person on your level.

So what does this mean for you? It means that when your Twinkie doesn't work anymore, you're going to be shit out of luck and lonely because you don't see the value of having a woman by your side, emotionally and intellectually. You just want your damn Twinkie to work again so you can have something useful to do with her.

I know that doesn't sound like such a bad idea right now. Wait until your Twinkie is soggy and limp. It won't be so much fun then, and it won't take as long as you think. If you keep yanking on it like that too, the day will come sooner than you think. According to experts in studies. And I can tell you firsthand from personal experience with my two husbands [00:15:00] pornography use can and does cause erectile dysfunction and performance shoes.

It's all true. If your Twinkie suffers, she isn't going to be too happy about that. Either pornography Murphy is most definitely considered a form of affair as you're giving your visual, emotional, and physical energy to another person. You like having sex with someone else? Point blank. The G and time has taken away, not just momentarily, but long-term from your spouse.

The lack of need for sexual connection diminishes and will eventually disappear the guilt and shame you feel even subconsciously will create tension and turmoil in your marriage. It will negatively affect your actions, behaviors, and reactions to your spouse, as well as your children, without even realizing it.

[00:16:00] Let's recall what I said earlier that chances are your spouse knows about it. The anger and hurt. She feels over your secret is creating her to act and behave differently. I talked about this very cycle in detail. In my last episode, marriage battles, marriages are falling apart from the use of pornography and its use is still in the delusional secret stage.

Why is that? Because it changes your brain. It changes how you interact with your spouse and your kids. It changes how your spouse interacts with you. All of it in a negative way, your marriage is deteriorating and you can't figure out why your not linking the real problem because they seem separate.

You're not making the connections. [00:17:00] I just did it for you. You're welcome. Let's talk about your spouse, your wife. What happens to her? It is crazy. It's scary. And it's going to take you by surprise and even seem exaggerated, but I swear to you do your research. It's true. Try not to shut me out. Try to hear me as hard as it is to hear, because I know it's going to be difficult to swallow.

No pun intended.

I know you're not doing this intention. It's not, yeah. Just hurting your wife or hurting her feelings. It's not just making her angry or mad. You're changing her brain to you are creating mental illness in her and damaging her. Long-term [00:18:00] your wife loves you. Even if you guys are having problems, no matter how small or how major she still loves you, she has devoted herself to you.

She wants to be the queen of your world, and you are lusting wanting and imagining having sex with other women. After all she gives to you day in and day out, the image society holds on us women to have a maintain this physical appearance is impossible. And we often even confident women fear not being enough for our husbands, just as you are fearful of not being enough for your wives.

Imagine the damage to one's self-esteem as we fear, not being able to hold up to the standard and our husbands are pretending to give themselves to someone amazingly [00:19:00] hot. Instead of coming to us to meet their needs. What a slap in the face, how sabotaging you don't think that isn't going to ruin us emotionally?

Are you tripping? Women whose husbands are active in porn use experienced the same trauma and betrayal side-effects as if you were to have a full blown affair. The brain does not understand or take into consideration the difference between the two, a fake woman and a real woman. All the brain knows is the feelings of not being enough, not wanted, not sexy, not desirable.

And you who we have put our all into went elsewhere. Yes. It has been proven that women are experiencing PTSD. Post-traumatic stress disorder. Severe anxiety, severe [00:20:00] depression and even suicidal thoughts because of their husbands porn use some people well justify their use by saying better porn than going elsewhere.

No, if you're in that place that you must have gratification outside your marriage to keep you from having an affair fake or real something else entirely bigger is going on. Porn is not going to sit you long enough to push through the effects to your wife and her emotional wellbeing is the exact same as a full blown affair.

Then what are you really protecting? I have some news for you. You're not protecting your marriage at all. The damage and havoc it creates is just as bad. And guess what men who watch porn. Are three times more likely to have an affair than the person who does not. So no, you are not making things better for you and your wife.

[00:21:00] You're making them worse, just like a drug addict. Eventually the porn doesn't cut it anymore. And the need to get that high back starts to push itself on you. And the next step is that Hottie at the Cornerstore always smiling at you. Good luck with that. We women, what we go through. We literally experience intense feelings as if we're going crazy.

I'm not talking. Oh, baby. You're so crazy. No, I mean, clinically crazy. There are programs dedicated to the spouses of porn addicted and it's intense. Women are ending up on anti-anxiety and depression medication, trying to control the overwhelming, powerful and uncontrollable feelings that haunt us every day.

Are you okay with [00:22:00] that? Are you okay with being solely responsible for the emotional and mental deterioration of your wife, the mother of your children? Are you okay with yourself knowing you have permanently damaged another human being for life? I know it sounds so extreme, but it's true. And you need to face it, accept it because ignoring, denying, or disagreeing with psychologists and proven studies, isn't going to make it go away or make it untrue.

It's still true. And it's still happening by doing this. You will make your spouse and yourself worse, create more damage and it'll build an a day will come when you do realize it and can't go back and change it. What's done is done. [00:23:00] And that is not something I know you want to live with. I hate to be so harsh and blunt.

I've come across as a lecturing am passionate, but it's because I truly want you guys to understand before it's too late, the damage is bad. It messes you up and your woman deserves you every chance she can get. She doesn't deserve to be hurt like that. Instead I have had the question come up. What do you do if your wife is ill and not able to have sex for quite a while?

Or what if your wife has shut you out sexually, or she won't touch you in the case of your wife? Not being able to have sex for whatever medical reason. That's a whole other story. Remember, I'm not against pornography. If it's openly [00:24:00] discussed in your marriage and you both have agreed on what is okay.

And what is not just remember. That doesn't make you the exception to the rule when it comes to the damage it does to your brain. So please do keep that in mind in the situation that she has shut you out and won't touch you. Is it because of how you were acting in your marriage? Sex is not a right. Have you been a husband that has earned your wife's respect enough to open herself up to you in a very intimate way?

Allowing her to feel safe with you enough to be vulnerable and give you her most precious gifts, her sex. If the answer is no, then you have some work to do. And maybe just maybe your porn use is what set all of that off to begin with. You can't blame a woman for not wanting to give herself away when you're hurting her.

So deeply [00:25:00] we women link sex. And love. We can't disconnect that it's hard wired. It is impossible for us to be turned on by someone who is hurting us. It makes us sick to our stomach. We aren't being bitches. What's a bitchy thing to do though, is hurt your spouse and then turn around, expecting them to give you some, then get mad when they don't, you weren't the Twinkie.

God. And unfortunately for you. Women don't need sex the same way men do. We're cool with not getting any for a little while. It's not punishment. Stop going there. I hate it. When the shit has said, it's just how we're wired, how we're made. We just can't be intimate when the connection isn't there when we're being hurt.

We just can't. And just a little bonus here on that topic. [00:26:00] Women who are deeply unhappy in their marriages with their husbands who are being hurt or treated disrespectfully by their spouse. If we do give in and give it up to you, for whatever reason we logically make up in our mind to do it or feel pressured into it, we feel violated.

It's almost as if we've been raped, but not quite, but it's almost on that same track. We regret it to the point we start to fill. Self hatred and anger shame takes us over and the resentment towards you. It's bad news. I'm sure you can imagine how that's going to go down in your marriage. There are a lot of resources out there.

If you want help. There's a great book called wired for intimacy. How pornography hijacks the male brain by William Struthers. There are also really great programs out there. You can [00:27:00] download and keep accountability on their phones, tablets, computers, it'll block certain content. It'll send you a list of things viewed.

Um, there. There's a canine and a convent eyes, and there's a whole bunch out there. I highly recommend you do a Google search for pornography accountability programs. If that's something that you and your spouse agree to do not put those kinds of things on his phone, tablet or computer without his permission, he needs to be on board.

And there are tons of Facebook groups that you can join online and talk to other women or men who are going through this. There's a therapy. Uh, you can look and do a Google search on, uh, pornography addiction groups for spouses and the addict. Uh, those are fantastic. I highly recommend those. They're kind of like a, an a where they get an accountability partner that's, uh, been clean from pornography.

That [00:28:00] sounds. So intense, but has been cleaned from pornography for a while and can walk, uh, you or your spouse through the recovery and how to do that successfully. If that's something that you really want to look into and a group, a group therapy as well, there's, um, a pornography addicts, 12 step program to my husband, read the book wired for intimacy.

And, um, we had a lot of really long talks. And he just stopped cold Turkey. I like to believe that he isn't using pornography and hasn't for. Two and a half years now though, I'm not so sure because it's kind of hard to believe that someone can just stop like that. But we did take a lot of steps to, uh, help him through it because he didn't want to do it.

He was experiencing a lot of shame and guilt and he hated that he did it and didn't want to be doing it, [00:29:00] but he was caught in that addiction cycle of it. And he couldn't stop even though he didn't want to. And then. He'd do it and he'd enjoy it while he was doing it. And then after it just took him down.

So the realization of that process for him is what helped him to stop. Um, I believe he is going to be doing a podcast here very soon and he might be talking about that guys, but, uh, if you have any other questions or want some more direction, don't hesitate to visit me on my website.

Www.theconfidentmarriage.com. And I can help point you in some directions if you're a spouse or the addict. Um, again, I don't think entrepreneur pornography use is addiction. I do think that there's a healthy balance in it. So, um, but if it is a problem for you or, uh, your spouse, it's something to definitely consider and look at.

So I hoped this helped you understand the damages pornography [00:30:00] has on you and your spouse. I really, really, we hope that you listened and take what I talked about into serious consideration. Maybe just starting that conversation with your spouse about it at the very least. If your spouse has a problem with it, it really can do a lot of damage, even if you're not using it that much.

And that's not something that you want to risk. That's not a chance you want to take. Starting that conversation with her will build some major trust between you two. And I'm not going to say that she is going to like it and she's kind of like, Oh honey, thanks for telling me, Oh, you're so wonderful. Like, no, it's not going to go down like that, but it will benefit you in her later and being open about it.

[00:31:00] You could very well be saving yourself from future addiction. And when you get to the point where it becomes an addiction, it's just as hard to stop as drugs and alcohol. Society has really normalized pornography and made it so that it's almost expected. Oh, every guy does it. It's not that big of a deal.

It is a big deal. You're not just sitting there and yanking on your Twinkie, watching ding-dongs and how hoes. And it's just nothing hosts should sponsor me. And I just had a deem dog moment. I digress. It's a big deal guys. Especially if your partner's not okay with it. So let's go back to marriage battles.

And listen to that episode, learn how to talk with your [00:32:00] partner and have those discussions. It'll really, really be helpful. Also foreplay before the foreplay talks a lot about how to connect emotionally and talk about those hard things, keeping it open, keeping it honest is always the best way to go.

Next week, I'm going to be talking about expectations and how they are self sabotaging you and hurting your marriage. It's hard to not know the difference between unrealistic, unrealistic expectations. I will cover what expectations are hurting you and your spouse and how boundaries are different than expectations and are very important in a marriage.

Thank you all for listening. If you want any additional support or help or have questions or just want to join the community, go to our Facebook page. [00:33:00] www.totheconfidentmarriage.com. Facebook at the confident marriage, Twitter at the sea marriage show and Instagram at the confident marriage. I hope you all have a great week.

Take a moment to enjoy your spouse this week. No porn, your brain will. Thank you. And I hope I didn't ruin Twinkies for you making it hard to eat them now. Fantastic week. This is the confident marriage and I am your host. Yeah.