Episode 5: Marriage Battles - Why Fighting is good and how to do it right!

Jessica dives into conflict, arguments, disagreements in marriage, and why they are so very, very important to have in your marriage. The idea that when you are happy in your relationship….arguing doesn't happen, or it doesn't happen much is a misunderstanding. As we talked about in the episode “Mythical Marriages” it's a myth. Happiness in a marriage is not measured by the number of disagreements you have with your spouse, it would be silly to think that you wouldn't disagree with another person ever, or even often. The reality of marriage or any relationship for that matter is quite the opposite, happy marriages have a healthy amount of disagreement and discussions. We will explore what healthy disagreements are and how to have them in a helpful and constructive way.

Episode Transcript

Thank you all for joining me today. I hope you all. You missed me because I missed you guys tremendously. I want to apologize though. I know a lot of people were waiting for me to release my episode last week on Tuesday and I didn't, and I'm not going to give you some bullshit reason as to why I.

Didn't I'm going to be very transparent. I'm going to open book y'all the last few weeks have been just insane for my family. And I had to take a step back for a moment and take care of them. And, um, I regret it now. I felt like it was the right decision then, but, um, I want you guys to know that. I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry. But, um, in addition to that, I also want to apologize because. I probably sound really stuffed up and I'm going to be sniffling a lot during this podcast. I think you guys might have noticed it on my last one. I have super, super bad allergies and there isn't a medication in the world that helps me.

So I'll probably send all night LA and Snapchat IAA as probably going to be gross. I'm sorry. I'll try not to be gross. Anyways, getting back to business here, let me put my professional voice back on since I'm getting all goofy. Um, the good news about me taking a little break was that I was able to really fine tune this episode.

And so. It's going to be really detailed and I'm, I have a lot of content, so I hope you guys are excited because I am super, super excited about it today. I'm going to be talking about conflict, arguments, disagreements, and why they are so very, very, very, very, very, very, okay. I'm just going to be goofy the whole time.

I can't help it. I think it might be the allergy meds. I don't know. Maybe it's my three and a half year old is just driven me completely insane. Why disagreements are so very important to have, especially in your marriage, the idea that when you're happy in your relationship arguing doesn't happen or maybe it just doesn't happen as much is a misunderstanding.

And as I talked about in my first episode, mythical marriages, it's a myth. Happiness in a marriage is not measured by the number of disagreements that you have with your spouse. It would be silly to think that you wouldn't disagree with another person ever at all, or even often the reality of marriage or any relationship for that matter is quite the opposite.

Happy marriages have a healthy amount of disagreements and discussions. The reason for that is that it means you and your spouse feel safe and connected enough together to be able to bring up the hard stuff. There isn't fear of repercussions that could leave one or both spouses devastated the things aren't being held in.

It also means that the both of you are emotionally mature. You are able to discuss things. You're able to come to an agreement or find a compromise that might work for the both of you. Now, if you don't know it by now, I don't believe in definitions when it comes to people. And I say this because my husband asked me as he was reading my show notes.

If I was going to define what healthy is, was I going to talk about what was too much arguing? What wasn't enough? My answer was no, because that is not for me or anyone else to decide it's fluid. Some people have many things that they need to work through. And if you love each other and you're both down to make that work, then fuck.

Yeah. Have as many arguments and discussions as you need to have. Go for it. Don't be another divorce statistic. Be the exception, prove them all wrong. Fuck it. There will be seasons in your marriage that there are more disagreements and there'll be seasons where there is less. As long as the two of you are talking about the problems and coming to solutions that work, then you're healthy.

I don't care how you get there. I don't care how long it takes you to get there. The purpose of these discussions is to becoming to solutions, change your perspective of the argument. It's to gain solutions, not to fight. It's not a fight it's to gain solutions. It's not an argument it's to fix the problem.

As long as that's being accomplished with whole complete honest communication, then that's healthy. And you guys rock the unhealthy, the problems come in when partners are not discussing things together. This is a huge cause for concern and it is very common. Now it will eventually lead to some major, major blow ups in your marriage.

This means that there are going to be ongoing misunderstandings, resentments, withholding of things, and hiding true feelings or beliefs. All these things, not only push you away from your partner, but it will ultimately create much bigger problems in the marriage. What also happens is after time as these things aren't talked about and addressed, the marriage will start to deteriorate and you could find yourself wondering if this marriage is what you really want.

So, you know, I'm kind of shocked. And I'm shocked because I'm learning that most people don't understand what it truly means to hold yourself back and not be open with your partner. But most don't really think of it this way. And I, I didn't know it, but I want to share it with you. It definitely can start a fire in your marriage.

It's called the closed mouth syndrome. But are you ready for what the hard brutal truth is not talking about things in your marriage with your partner is lying. I know it sounds really far fetched to take it there, but let me show you, let's say your partner enjoys going out to the bar with their friends several times a month.

And you fear that maybe they won't be faithful to you during one of these escapades. And you're frustrated also with their mood the day after it just causes havoc in the home. It's an overall uncomfortable experience for you. However, you don't share these feelings with your spouse because you're afraid of coming across as controlling and insecure.

Maybe they'll get angry with you. And at the same time you have this conflicted feeling of well, they deserve the timeout. They've never been unfaithful before, and it's something that they've always done. They enjoy it. Whatever your fear is, you don't bring the situation up and you decide to hold all those feelings.

And now what happens. Over time. Yeah, you become more and more resentful and you get fearful and angry and it starts to change how you're interacting with your partner. And you're not discussing why you feel that way, but now you're snapping at them, your throwing their adventures to the bar in their face.

Your argument is, and maybe you're checking their phone and there comes a point where so many more problems have you out of that one situation. Okay. So now let's flip the roles. Now we're talking about your spouse on the receiving end of this. They have no idea what's going on in your head. They have no idea what you're feeling and thinking, but they're experiencing all this tension with you.

They're confused as to why you're checking their phone, the sudden lack of trust. And you're angry at them. Often, you're getting mad when they go out with their friends and you. Didn't really seem to have a problem with it too much before they're snapping at them. I, they can totally see how angry you are and they don't understand why that's a confusing space to be in.

So now your spouse is scared and confused and they're getting angry at your behavior towards them. And now they become defensive. Because they don't know why everything they're doing is being picked at. So now we've got the arguments starting, your spouse starts to attack you back. They're resentful at the change in your moods, towards them and all these things that are coming up seem like they're just out of the blue it's in all these different areas.

There's there's no. Common factor. You're just getting upset with them. They're just kind of in what the fuck mode your spouse is now fighting with you. They're now holding their feelings back. They're pushing you away more and maybe they're staying out longer and more often to avoid the turmoil. So let's move back to you.

Now you're even more, yeah. Angry at your spouse's behavior towards you after all, it was their behaviors that made you upset at the start. How dare they react to you? Like this, the audacity, the nerve. Now you're not only angry with them about going to the bar and you have all this fear and anxiety going inside you, but also how they're treating you.

So now you get even more angry, more resentful, more hurt, and you start leaning into these feelings even, right. Or with your spouse. Do you see the cycle that's happening in a matter of a few months, you both now have a slew of problems that have all stemmed from that one situation. That one thing. Anger resentments and hurt have built up on enormous levels and the pile of shit.

You two have to work there now feels unmanageable. And I guarantee you that 90% of the time, you won't even remember why this all started. It's going to get lost in the pile of shit. All you know, is that your marriage is a disaster right now and you and your partner are getting not getting along. So what I want to do is I want to take that example, but let's say instead of keeping the feelings you had in, you brought it up to your spouse and you two discussed it.

But this time, let's say you were not fully open and honest with your feelings. You held something in. And so the discussion ends, but because not everything was set or talked about and things were held in, the problem was not adequately resolved. This means it's going to come up again and over time, the first scenario.

It's going to play out after all. It's like when you're trying to solve a math equation with one of the major factors left out and no one knows it's even left out, it's doesn't even exist. It's not there. The solution will be wrong. The equation will not add up nor will it work. Now you're back to square one, but with even more frustration, Confusion and resentment, because it was thought to be handled.

Here's how you bring up your concerns to your partner, but you didn't tell your spouse that it made you feel insecure and it created a fear that they might have an affair. And you said everything else, but you left that part out. Well, you're still worried about it and you're still gonna check their phone and you're still going to feel anxiety and worry.

When they go out and that will lead to arguments, mistrust, pulling away. And so the cycle still takes place. Okay. So let's flip that and let's take the situation. And let's say that you told your partner all of your concerns. You left nothing out, but they held it in. That they go out because deep inside they miss a single life and hanging out at the bar though, they genuinely don't believe they would ever be unfaithful.

They get up benefit thrill from going out, feeling a little free again, why would they not say this? Because it's a hard thing to say. That's, that's incredibly hard to say. It also is scary because, well, if I tell my partner that they're definitely not going to let me go out, because it sounds really fishy and it does, but run with me here for a moment, because it's really not what they left out.

Just the point that they left something out. So

nonetheless, they didn't tell you this piece. And so you to come to a resolution or so you thought that seems logical addresses both of the partner's needs and concerns, except now your partner is resentful because you took something away from them and you didn't even know you did it. Maybe the agreement was that they go out once or twice a month at most.

And they have to be home by 11 o'clock so that they get enough for us to slip off as much alcohol as they can and be present with the family. Well, they're angry. They kind of feel like it's unfair. They feel controlled a little bit, not entirely your fault. They didn't say everything, but. They held it back.

And so now the cycle starts, you didn't really resolve anything. Now trust is going to be eroded. You've been blindsided because the thought you thought the two of you had worked it out. We'll give it a few months and it's not going to be any different than the first scenario. If you listened to the episode last love.

I talk about how this marriage epidemic is a huge cause of the snowball effect of marriages or things build and build and build until you get to a point where you're looking at your spouse and you're questioning it. He loved them anymore. Are you ready to throw in the towel? Maybe you are. If you haven't listened to that one, it ties into what we're talking about.

Very well here. I encourage you to listen to it. So now let's jump back to the part where I said that not speaking your truth, not saying everything, not talking about things is a lie. What is the definition of a lie? The definition of a lie is a false statement made with deliberate intent to deceive and intentional untruth, a falsehood, something intending or serving to convey a false impression.

An imposture, an inaccurate or false statement, a false said. So with holding on your thoughts, feelings, emotions, or be a deliberate intent to withhold information, did you give a genuine, complete impression of where you stood or how you felt is what you said completely accurate? No. That's right. It's a lie.

So how do you avoid this? It sounds hard, but it's simple talking, not holding any, anything in no matter how scared you are, you do this by changing your perspective of arguments. Say it to say it gently, even if you don't agree. Say you don't agree. Explain why you don't agree. Don't hold anything in that doesn't mean that you have a license to get angry or mean with your partner.

You can say it in a kind way. You can disagree in a kind way. You can say how you feel, what your opinions and beliefs are in a kind way. Also you and your partner need to be in a place to create a safe space for him or her to speak openly, know that they may say something we don't want to hear that hurts, or we disagree with.

We need to be able to hear that and respond in a way that is going to work towards a solution. Not a fight, not anger, not hurt, not resentment. And please try not to lash out when you're bruised. Keep in mind the truth. Isn't always easy to hear, you know, that saying the truth hurts, but remember, it's the delivery that makes the difference.

No guys, listen up. Don't you dare tell your wife. She looks fat in that dress and then turn around and say that I told you to be honest delivery, ladies and gentlemen delivery. There's a way to be honest and kind. You could say, you know, that trust. Isn't my favorite on you. It makes you look heavy. I've seen dresses on you and you look really hot in them.

What about that black one? You were last weekend. See there, you set it. You didn't lie. You weren't cruel. You weren't hurtful delivery. Ladies and gentlemen, please. So let's say that it's a discussion that requires some time to talk. Tell your partner that you two need to find some private time to talk.

Arrange a dinner for just the two of you or after the kids go to bed. Spend some time together talking, just remember that your opener is important just as I was speaking about delivery a few seconds ago, the opener is important. If you start the conversation with a negative tone, accusations, anger, frustration.

You've already failed at having a constructive discussion. I've said this before in other episodes, it's not how often you argue. It's how make sure that you're laying out all your concerns, all of your thoughts, even if you think they're invalid silly or just ridiculous, just say it and let them know where it's at on your priority list.

Like. So, this is what I've been feeling in thinking maybe this is what I've thought a few times. Sometimes I wonder, I know it's crazy, but I've even thought just get it all out, just get it all out. Make sure to let your partner talk, let them mention how, what you said makes them feel what they're thinking.

Their reaction to what you said, their perspective of the situation at hand. Try not to react. I know that's really hard to do, but if you haven't heard this before, don't react, respond this way may be a deeper, longer conversation than you had thought, and it needs to be talked about and addressed. But it also needs to be handled delicately because it's not only hard for you to be open, but it's hard for them to be open and honest, and it could end up being a gateway to bigger things going on in your spouse or yourself.

Maybe they didn't even realize there was something deeper. And as you two are talking things out and you guys are exploring those. I had this crazy idea w. Actually, it's starting to come to forum on how, and they're starting to make connections, or maybe you are, maybe they did know there was something else going on in this, opens the door for that discussion, but getting angry or resentful that your spouse feels the way that they do.

They'll shut down and they'll close the door and fixing this problem will be almost impossible. And there could be some major problems going on that could cause more harm to the marriage down the road. Not to mention that there'll be less likely to open up to you again, just as you would with them. If the shoe was reversed, remember changing your perspective on an argument is going into the conversation, knowing that not everything you hear, you're going to like.

There is no winner. There is no loser. All perspectives are valid and you are both working on the math equation together to solve a problem. If you find that you both now have more things to discuss, that's perfectly. Okay. Break it up into two discussions. First, make sure you address the biggest concern.

The one that's been lingering the longest and save the other one for another day, but make sure not to let it go by the wayside. Be intentional about making time to talk about it at the start of my relationship with my husband. He as most guys do, but shouldn't held in his thoughts and feelings, even his opinions.

Oftentimes when I would bring something to him, he'd Dodge it, I swear. It was like he was playing Dodge ball. He would say it was just me. It was in my head. He defended himself. Like he might have been on trial for murder or something. He didn't want to talk about it. He didn't want to talk about anything.

For some reason, he didn't feel that he needed to put the time and energy into making our relationship happy and peaceful. And I think that had a lot to do with, he didn't know that we needed to talk about it in order for that to happen. His thought process was that whole out of sight, out of mind thing, but that's not how our minds really work.

Even if we want to trick ourselves into believing it, it erodes everything unconsciously. Trust me. I didn't want to have to be talking about it either. You don't want to have to be talking about it, your spouse to someone to have to be talking about it. None of us want to have that disagreement.

Nonetheless, it's still there. It's still real. And we can't ignore it. Acting like it's not, there is another lie. And just because we're not speaking it to the person whom it concerns keeping it in, they don't know about it. That's not going to benefit you or your marriage. You're not only creating major miscommunication and future problems, but you're robbing yourself.

You're robbing yourself of what you truly want, need and desire. You're robbing yourself of your own self-respect and self-worth, you're robbing your spouse of getting to know who you are on a deeper level, robbing them of the ability to fix problems in your marriage with you. You're robbing them of understanding why you are the way you are and who you are.

You're robbing your marriage of happiness, intimacy, communication, friendship, peace, understanding, and unconditional love. You're hurting your spouse. You're hurting yourself and you're hurting your marriage. When you don't hold things in and you talk about the issues between you two and the disagreements, you're opening the door for a deeper understanding of one another.

You stop any possibility of creating more and more problems, making your marriage toxic and unmanageable. You begin to be closer to one another. You build a bond and all of that seeps into your marriage in all areas. And just like how not talking about things can do, but in a toxic way, talking about things, we'll do the same thing, but in a positive way, those hard to have discussions become second nature.

And the things that once threatened the marriage are now dealt with easily and quickly. And as you and your spouse learn how to communicate completely and effectively. Those things start to become less hesitant. Those long talks become less and less as you both work together through those major issues.

And the two of you develop your skills for quick resolution to future problems, the cycle of dishonesty and not talking. Doesn't keep it peaceful, maybe in that moment for a second. But your spouse knows you're holding back. We all have the ability to sense things you have just instead created doubt in your partner, take in their ability to trust you and take you at your word away from them.

Made them feel unsafe, fearful for what's being left out. They'll start to react to that. Disagreements and arguments, foster and environment to build trust with one another. Again, looking at arguments and disagreements from a different perspective, it is one of the key factors of building emotional intimacy.

I talk a lot about that in the episode four play before the foreplay, in that episode, I touch on this issue. Exactly. To build trust and intimacy that leads to better sex. Talk about that. Things are holding back. Be completely honest and open. Be vulnerable with your spouse. You may not be hitting the shits that night.

I don't know. Maybe makeup sex will be very much overdue, but I'm moving forward. It will increase your marriages, intimacy doing it the other way. And the long run creates a mountain of problems where it was just once an anthill trust and intimacy will erode so quickly. Once all is said and done, you didn't just keep that one thing to yourself.

You now have a pile 10 times bigger of new and additional issues that aren't even related to what you held back. Yet they're there because you held back now making your marriage even more toxic. And to think that this all could have been avoided, it's not about winning or losing, being married also doesn't mean you get what you want all the time.

It's about understanding and compromise, sacrifice. Just as you sacrifice for them, they'll have the turn sacrificing for you. Discussions are meant to take into consideration, both spouses, perspectives, bots, feelings, and desires, and finding a resolution that suits the both of you. I'm not referring to behaviors that are toxic or detrimental to either, or both of the partners when this is taking place.

It's a much different discussion to be had. I want to make sure I covered defensiveness. I've talked about John Gottman in my other episodes, and he lists defensiveness as one of the horsemen of the apocalypse in marriage. It is a marriage killer. And let me tell you from experience. That is so very, very true.

No one is perfect. And if you're trying to pose as being this perfect person, I have some heartbreaking news for you. Your spouse lives with you, and they know exactly how perfectly imperfect you are. You're not following them. They see you fail every day. They see your flaws more clearly than you do. And if anyone is in a place to bring some things to light that may require your attention.

It's your fricking spouse. Step away from the bright, shiny halo, own your shit. Even if you don't think it's true, ponder it. You may discover that God damn it. They were right. You're not going to win anything but lack of respect and mistrust with your partner. If you can't own your shit. Apologize and work on it if necessary.

No one respects someone who sits on a throne of shit. Think about it. Would you respect and trust someone who couldn't own up and make it right when they have wronged you wouldn't you respect the other person who you called out and they were able to damn, I didn't see it that way. And I can totally see where you're coming from.

I'm sorry. Shh. Your mouth is stuck shut. Isn't it? Doesn't that feel good? Doesn't that a fuse major conflict that you were braced for? Don't you feel valued and respected. Yeah, you do, but don't ever do that. If you don't mean it. Because it's going to show later and they're not going to trust you. After that, they're going to know you played a head game and that makes it so much worse.

It's like a slap in the face. Holding back in your marriage, defeats the purpose of marriage entirely. Why be married? If you're going to be a stranger to your spouse? Why be married. If you're going to treat your spouse as an enemy, someone to fear someone to withdraw from someone to push away emotionally, that's a superficial relationship.

That's not a marriage. The disagreements is where your relationship gets really deep. You learn more about your spouse in these moments than in any other time in your marriage. So I say again, look at the arguments from a different perspective, it's a positive force. Bringing you even closer to your partner, right?

So that wraps it up for marriage battles. I hope you guys don't mind all the background noise. I did the best I could to drown it out. I had to record in the backyard this time. I'm sure you can hear the wind blowing, but thank you all for joining me. Next week, I'm going to be talking about pornography.

It's a really hot topic among the marriage community right now. And there are so many studies coming out about the effects of watching pornography and the huge controversy around the subject. I'm going to break down the studies. I'm going to talk about the arguments for, and against the use of pornography.

And I'm going to help you sift through all the noise around it. It's going to be a fun one. It's going to be a trigger for some pornography can be very damaging in our marriage, but we'll get to all that next week. Again, thank you all for being patient as I am a week late in releasing this episode, but I will see you all next Tuesday.

When we talk good about pornography, this is the competent marriage podcast. And I'm your host, Jessica. I hope you all have a fantastic week. Yeah.