Episode 18: Wrapping It Up With A Bow, Your Marriage Questions Answered

Thoroughly sick of 2020? It’s time to wrap up the year with a bow and send it on it’s way! In this week’s episode of The Confident Marriage, Jess and Sean give the gift of a little extra discussion on some previous topics, preview the exciting 2021 season 2 lineup of topics and guests, and answer real questions from listeners like you! Let’s send this year packing in style and look forward to a Confident 2021!

Episode Transcript

This is the confident marriage podcast. I'm your host, Jessica. And I'm your host, Sean? No fluff, just [00:01:00] straightforward, real talk real-world experience and practical solutions. We talk about what no one else will. And we're funny everything for your family and relationships from the playroom to the bedroom.

Thank you so much for joining us. Before we get to our topic, we're going to cover a couple of things. Don't forget to subscribe to the podcast and leave us a review. We love hearing from you guys. And please visit our website www.theconfidentmarriage.com. You can sign up for our amazing newsletter. It is amazing and get exclusive.

What's toot our own horns here. Oh goodness. And get exclusive content news, weekly columns and early access to the latest episode. Sounds exciting. Don't forget that you can also find us on all the major social media platforms. Facebook is confident marriage. Twitter is see marriage show and Instagram is [00:02:00] at confident marriage and my space.

Are we on my space? Nobody has my space anymore, honey. I mean, I guess a few people do, but it's not very popular to get a presence on my space. You know what I remember, like creating my MySpace page and like, you know, personalizing it and like I'd spent hours, you know, every couple of weeks, like redoing my MySpace page.

I kinda miss it. Everything's just like this. That's it guys. 2021. We're getting back on my space. I'm just kidding. We're not going to do that. No, no. That, but we are blowing up on Instagram. Can you believe it? I'm so excited. We have so many new people and they're like excited about the episodes and the content, and it's just, it's awesome.

I'm having so much fun meeting all these new people online. We've got to do a live video again. I missed the live videos. We were having so much fun and now my work hours have changed a little bit. So it's the holidays too, but we need to get back on that. Speaking of live videos, I'm going to be doing a lot of live [00:03:00] videos this week.

I heard. Yeah, I have so many. I have a couple of love stories lined up from, um, our followers or listeners who want to share their stories. Sure. These are like real life stories from people who listen to our show from our listeners. That's really cool. Yeah. And we have a couple with some really cool affiliates of ours while they're becoming affiliates who offer some really cool marriage resources and things themselves that I'll be doing live videos on.

We're live. Yeah. Live videos. Yeah. And I'm still trying to figure this social media thing, but it's been a lot of fun. So we hope that you join us on social media. Uh, we've been, uh, I've been a lot more active on there, so I'm enjoying it. What are you trying to say? I don't do enough work on social media now.

E I could not see you on social media. It's not my thing, your thing, but the thing, that's your thing. It's becoming my thing. I hope so. Yeah, so, Oh my gosh. So the holidays just send it right? [00:04:00] Yes. I know it was kind of relaxing and nice. It was good. Or, I mean, we're coming to the end of a really awful year, but it's not like, Oh, January 1st is here and everything's amazing again.

No, it's not going to be like that. I wish it was. I put up this post on Instagram that said, I wish we could party. Like it was 2019. It was a funny story, Jess and I were watching, uh, Was it MTV, totally eighties, eighties music videos. And we're both sitting there getting depressed and we're like, Oh, the world isn't like, it used to be, look at the payphones.

Oh my gosh. Those, those were some interesting times. I liked, I personally, my favorite is the nineties. That's that's, that's my favorite. That was our time. I mean, rap music was like, Oh my gosh. Extraordinary. Like it was, yeah. I loved. It definitely changed. I mean, it's, it's not bad now. It's just, it was very different.

I mean, I could get down with some nineties. [00:05:00] I bet you could. Oh my God. Oh my God. We're not that old. We cannot sound like our parents. I know. I feel like my parents more and more. I, every time I say something, I'm like, my mom used to say that to me, but, uh, speaking of moms. When we were at your mom's yesterday, dropping off her Christmas presents.

Um, did you hear what happened when she opened her card before she opened the gift? It was hilarious. So I wrote her like this really sentimental card and the, she reads the very first line of it and it was hilarious how this played out. So stick with me. So she opens the card, she kind of gets teary-eyed and the first line says this year has been really awful.

And I looked at her and I said, Merry Christmas, Marsha. She started busting up laughing. It was good to see her though. I think we made, we made her day. We socially distance. We had masks on, we stayed six feet apart, but yeah, it makes me sad. Yeah. [00:06:00] I'll that should be over soon. So now that we've depressed, you let's move on to the show.

I don't think that was trespassing. All right. So Sean, what's a show about this week. This week, we are wrapping up 2019 in a bow, and we are going to add a little bit to some previous episodes. We're going to answer some questions that we've received throughout the year. And we are going to put a bow on season one.

I call it season one, part two. Uh, but we're gonna put a wrap on season one. We're going to put a wrap on 2020 and we're going to get ready for our second season, premiering in just a week from today on January 5th, 2000,

he was not made for radio.

All right. So I think what I'd like to do. Is, I want to go all the way back all the way back, [00:07:00] way back to episodes. I wish again, that was my time that I that's where I shot. That would be sick, bro. You're wicked wicked.

I'm from Southern California. So we said wicked a lot. There it's different than you Bay area people. That's what we see. No Southern Californians. Didn't say that in the night, none of this is going to help your marriage by the way. All right. So episode one, we got to stay going all the way back. Yeah, we got to stay on track though.

Way back in the days before COVID-19 when we were just a young podcast. I wasn't even a part of it. I think, I think COVID has like put like 20 years on everybody. Not you, you're still looking smoking. Honey it is called cover the gray. Gray. Yeah. I don't see any gray. So mythical marriages, episode wet.

[00:08:00] What we really talked about in that one is like, society's whole idea of what marriage should look like. And I think it's so damaging because so many of us get into benches and I know I do it, especially the women, like we have like this whole happy ending kind of, you know, fantasy idea. And even though we, as we get older, we know it's not really like that.

I guess our hopes are that it's for something similar to that, but. Society itself just puts like these labels on marriages and like makes them look a certain way. And I don't really know where they came from. Maybe it was like movies or music or a combination, but. When you really get into it, it's nothing like any of that, like everything you thought it was, it's not right.

And I do think society does this, not just with marriages, but with everything. You know, women are supposed to look a certain way. Men are supposed to look a certain way, act a certain way. This is sexy. And this isn't, and this [00:09:00] is. Cool. And this isn't, and then it all changes. And I don't know if it's part of the pop culture, trying to manipulate us into buying into what they're putting out, or if it's just a natural, a natural function of a organized society.

But. Like you said, and you know, this to be true with me and you ladies and gentlemen know from some of the stories I've told about, about our history. And I had no idea what I was getting into. I thought I did, but I didn't. Yeah. Well, can we like do a cancel culture on the view of marriages? How do we, how do we do that?

No, I don't think we can do that. We're trying to do it. I think we're doing it right now by trying to bring, bring some of this stuff out into the open. Yeah. So I, and I do think the mythical marriage is topic. Even though it was way back at the first episode is just such a good topic. And I've even been talking with you about doing something similar to it, but with a little different spin on it in the new season, you know, because.

Especially, if you get married young, their idea of what a marriage is, maybe [00:10:00] based on solely what you witnessed your parents and your friends, parents going through or solely what you, God forbid solely what you watch on TV or see in movies. Well, I don't think it's just when you're young, either, because especially nowadays the last decade or two people have been getting married older in their thirties or early to late thirties.

And I think it's just not really. I think that there's just so much divorce, that people aren't able to see the struggles that their moms and dads went through to keep the marriage going or to see what it really is, is like, I don't know, but you know, my whole point is, is like once we're married and I think we're all guilty that regardless of what society.

Imprints on us and tells us what is so, but we kind of like wipe our hands, wash our hands of like the wooing and the work that we put in to get. So the place of marriage and it's like work is done. And so now you've obtained your goal and [00:11:00] everything is just supposed to come organically now. Well, yeah.

To just piggyback off that. And if you're subscribed to our newsletter, or if you visit our website, you'll see the article that I wrote this week, uh, is about hard work and the hard work in a marriage never stops. I got bad news. The hard work never stops. You never get to that place and go, I'm done. Okay.

It's on control from now on. Yeah, it's going to be easier. Sometimes. It's going to be a little harder sometimes, but marriage relationships self-improvement anything worth attaining in life and worth keeping in life is going to take. Hard work and it's gotta be in, this is what I talk about in the article, consistent and persistent.

You have to be able to persevere over hardships and you have to be consistent and put in that daily effort. And especially when it comes to marriages, something they really don't teach you is that the hard work needs to be constant and something a wise and humble man once told me and drilled into my head.

Everything matters. [00:12:00] And it really does even the little things. So that kind of ties into episode three, lost love because a lot of it could be, or more times it could be that there's this misconception about love and that it's a feeling and it's not always a feeling society really wants us to think that it's a feeling.

And that's how it's portrayed as is, you know, I feel in love with that person, but that feeling that we call love is actually a chemical. Reaction that happens in our brain and it happens with a lot of things we've experienced. I love see's candy. Exactly. Definitely a chemical reaction going on there.

Love human being with a person is really, it's a choice that you make. It's a decision to be with someone, especially when you don't feel the quote unquote love. Right. I would say that the chemical reaction definitely has something to do with it. And the feeling is definitely a part of it, but you're not going to [00:13:00] feel like that every day feelings or feelings they come and go.

And what matters is the choice you make right. And loving someone is definitely a choice. And just as we covered. Many misconceptions in mythical marriage, will you cover them? I wasn't around for that part. I was here, but I was in the background. Yeah. Uh, I think the whole lost love episode is a big marriage myth too.

And especially with the prevalence of divorce, you think that, uh, this feeling goes away and as soon as it goes away, you're like, ah, well, time to call it quits. I can go find that with someone else. And it becomes this never ending cycle. Right? Well, in that goes into the hard work because. Often those fillings are no longer there because you're not doing the work to create those feelings in your marriage.

So. Things aren't being talked about. So you're not bonding emotionally with one another, and you're not gaining that intimacy on the emotional level, which bleeds into your sexual intimacy, which makes it even more bomb. And, you know, it's the cycle [00:14:00] where it feeds one another, right. It's I go through that with work.

And so I love my job. I love my career and there are days that I am miserable there. I mean, just miserable. And I have to remind myself. That I do love what I do, and that I'm may feel miserable now, but I'm not going to feel like that too tomorrow or the next day or a week from now. Right. You got to stick with it.

Exactly. And as we talked about it a little bit ago, uh, with the, the views that society and Prince on us, and I may sound old to people here right now, and I may piss some people off, but I think that society and the way technology is and the way pop culture has gone, I think. Even more so because they talked about it when I was young in the eighties, even, but we live in a throwaway society now and it's like, the newest iPhone comes out and everybody is going, Hmm.

Shit for it and standing in line for two days to get it. And it's the [00:15:00] greatest thing in the world and they're raising it above their heads and just, Oh my God. And everybody's jealous. And then six months later, the new one comes out and that phone goes in the garbage that they waited three days to get.

And we're so excited about. In favor of the new iPhone, which isn't even really any different from the old iPhone in the same way that you're in a relationship and you have this limerence thing going on and you've got all these chemicals going in. Yeah. Your brain and, Oh my God, it's the best sex ever.

And Oh, this person's amazing. Makes me so happy. Yeah. And then that kind of starts to die away as you get into the nitty gritty of a relationship and it's like, ah, get rid of them. Move on. Oh my God, this woman I just met makes me feel so good. Oh my God. And you know, it's the same way with. With music and movies, all the best songs ever are.

They're all she is so good. He is so good. And then three months later, they're like who, who? No, no, we're all listening to this, this now. So I dunno. I just think we've turned into a throwaway society where we're always looking for the next best thing, the next [00:16:00] best thing, the next best thing. Um, well, in many doesn't equate to all, there's still a lot of people out there who.

I really do see the value in a marriage in a, in a relationship. And I think people are starting to catch on to the idea that you can't jump from person to person because you're never going to find it. Right. Yeah. I mean, we see it a lot in Hollywood where people jump from relationship to relationship, but nothing ever really lasts.

And when, during, if that's because they have so much money, they don't give a crap. I don't know. I don't, I wouldn't know. I'm not in that of that. I wouldn't either. I mean, I think as a human being, it's all in our heart and soul to find happiness and love and someone that we can share life with. So as we're talking about movies, let's talk a little bit about those X-rated movies.

We're talking about X-rated movies. Yeah. Like just X or triple, triple, double, quadruple X. I [00:17:00] have that. I'm sure. I'm sure they do. I'll have to search that up as the kids say, do you remember that one time when the camp? No, where I was, we were talking about something. I can't remember what, and then all of a sudden I was like, I wonder if there's a poop fetish.

Oh, that was a mistake. Don't ever search that. Cause there is. And it's not good. No, no offense to anyone who may be into that sort of thing with our judge, but it wasn't for us at all, like at all. Oh my gosh. So porn, speaking of which. We did an episode on porn in your brain and your marriage. It was episodes and it was one of our most popular episodes.

I think, anytime you mentioned porn, right? Well, and I think the misconception with that episode is that people think we're like anti-porn and you can't watch it. No, no, no, no. So it's not watching porn that, well, there are some issues with that that I think we've gone into [00:18:00] and we'll go into next season because there's some, you know, even if you're doing it.

With your spouse's consent or with your spouse, there's still some objectification issues that can come up and all that. But yeah. Porn per se is not bad. And we're not trying to like outlaw all of porn. I think what we advocate is that there's a responsible and a, an, uh, the right way to use it in a relationship.

And it's all about honesty. Exactly. Well, that and everything in moderation, right? They say, coffee's good for you, but too much is bad. They say, alcohol's good for you, but too much is bad anymore. You know, I drink a crap load of coffee. I know. So do I, but, um, Yeah, everything in moderation and the line, as we know for addiction is when something starts to affect your life in a negative way.

And it starts taking you away from the things you need to be responsible about. Yeah. Responsible little robot. Well, and you know, it's like, but what about that situation where [00:19:00] it's not affecting your life, but your wife is getting ready to leave. To hang out with her girlfriends and she's dropping the kids off at the grandparents house and you just cannot wait for her to get out the door and get on your phone or computer.

Like, do you think it's a problem at that point or is that just like a normal, I don't get to do it much or here's my opportunity or question for you? Sure. I mean, I'm not the one doing it. So you gotta ask, my hypothetical person does in this hypothetical situation, does the wife know that the husband uses porn?

And is she okay with it? Let's say she does. And she's honestly communicated. They've honestly communicated about it and she really is honest with herself and that she's okay with it. Let's go for it then. I guess there's nothing wrong with him being gung ho for it, as long as it's not, it's not being done behind the back.

And then it's not taking away from. His energy that he has for his wife. I don't know for all. I know maybe it turns her on to know that he's doing that and it could live it up their sex life, but if it's taken away energy and she [00:20:00] started, I feel neglected, then it's a problem. If he's doing it behind her back then it's a problem.

But if everything's out yeah, the open and she truly is internally honest with her herself about being okay with it, then I don't think that's the problem. Okay. So let's back that hypothetical situation up and say back it up. Is it fair enough? You're not supposed to say that. I am sorry if I back it up, is it definitely?

Do I need to lose weight? No. Are you saying I'm fat? Oh my God. We'll save that for another show. Sean. I have gained a lot of weight during COVID Salva, so no, she didn't gain a lot of weight. She gained just enough. Going back. I like it. It's bad enough. We had three really hard, intense weeks. So we're trying to make this a little more light trying.

Who's who's trying here. I ain't gonna try. It's coming naturally hard work, baby. So going back to the hypothetical situation, let's say she [00:21:00] doesn't know. And let's say he let's add to that. Not only does she not know, but he also knows that she finds porn to be very offensive and it makes her feel like she's not good enough for him.

Well, yeah, that's definitely a problem because they've had obviously had an honest conversation. I'm assuming he knows how she feels about it. And she obviously does not know how he feels about it. Then that's obviously a problem on a couple of different levels. So number one, they're not honestly communicating with each other or at least he's not.

And number two, he's engaging in a behavior that she is morally against and doesn't approve of, and, and that hurts her. And he's doing it behind her back and that's a breach of trust. Yeah. I think that there is a resolution there. It seems so cut and dry, like could see either one, one person's way or the other, but I really feel like there's a resolution there.

We're going to have to get into that in season two. Yeah. So we, we have, [00:22:00] uh, we have an amazing guest lined up on the subject of porn. No, it's not a porn actress or anything, but, um, no, so, sorry. That's okay. I don't know. I don't need to have anything to do with that too many hands on the merchandise.

I got all I want right here. Anyway. Thank you. I do. And we've been down that road before and it didn't cause anything other than hurt, but we do have a very good guest, insightful guest lined up for next season. And we are planning to do a follow-up episode about porn with a little bit different spin on it.

And we'll definitely get into some of that because there is a responsible way to do it. And it all comes from honest communication. Exactly. I think. We should take it a step further. Are you ready for it? I'm ready for it. And have an episode on masturbation while in the marriage. Wow. Okay. You make everybody [00:23:00] uncomfortable, but it's something that no one talks about.

And that's what we do here at the confident marriage is talk about what no one else talks about. I can't think of a marriage podcast I've heard lately. That's talks about masturbation. How much did you want to laugh when I said the word masturbation? Yeah, yeah. That 15 year old kid. And he still wants to come out.

Yes. Yeah. And I think what we're talking about when we talk about masturbation is what's appropriate and how you broach that subject when you're in a marriage to make sure that everybody's on the same page and that you're not hurting each other. Right. Cause there are times when that can be more than okay.

Yeah. And there are times when it's really, really wrong. Yeah. Yeah. I think we'll talk about that. So we did get a couple of questions in, so we should probably get to those. And I think I'm going to aim this one at you, baby, because. I think that you [00:24:00] would be able to answer this beautifully. So she asked how do I get my husband who doesn't have a romantic bone in his body to be romantic?

Huh? So I will tackle this one. So let me just dispel a couple of misconceptions that come with that statement. First of all, um, I don't think, uh, So there are some people that it comes naturally to, right. There are some people who struggle a little bit more with it, but is it really that those people who are good at it are born with this innate ability to be romantic and that some people are incapable of it.

I don't. But I think that's a bunch of BS that you're not capable of it. And I think that, I think that some people, men and women use it as a cop out. Oh, I just, I don't, I'm not a romantic person. Okay. Well, you're in a marriage though. So learn to be and there's Google. Yeah. So there's. Look, if it's important to you [00:25:00] as a husband or a wife that your significant other is romantic towards you and makes romantic gestures.

And if that's part of your love language and how you feel loved. And, uh, they're saying that they're not good at it. Or they're saying that they're just not a romantic person. Um, what can really help in that situation is again, and I feel like we're going back to this, but it's such a foundation for a strong, confident, healthy marriage.

You need to have an open, honest conversation about it. And so if you're the one who's not getting the romance. You need to sit down and you need to let your spouse now in a loving way, in a calm way, in a non-confrontational criticizing way. Look, this is really important to me. It's one of the, the ways that I feel loved, let me you, because I see that you're having trouble with it and I see that it doesn't come naturally to you.

So let me show you some things that would make. Me feel loved and romanticized. And let me show you what works for me and what doesn't. And let me help you through that. And [00:26:00] then maybe you can start to do some of these things on your own and get your feet wet. And, and you could say something like, I'm not expecting you to be perfect.

I understand this, isn't your natural forte. So let me help you. And that's going to make your partner feel recognized. It's gonna make them feel heard and understood. It's going to motivate them to want to be romantic for you because you're coming to them. And you're saying, look, I understand how you are as a person.

Now here's how I am. As a person, let's work together to make both of us happy. So now if you're the one who doesn't know how to be romantic for whatever reason, first, if you're, if you have it in your head that it's, you're incapable of it, get that thought out of your head because you're putting a mental block to it, right?

Yeah. So that's would have been like 10 years ago. Me telling myself, well, I I'm an addict and I can't. Not do drugs. Right. And I did think like that for a long time. I couldn't see myself in a situation where I wasn't doing drugs or, you know, being able to sleep at night without them, or get up in the morning without them or function without [00:27:00] them, or go to work without them.

But lo and behold, I do it every day now. And it's not really that hard. I had a big mental block and that was part of getting over that. So if you're feeling anguish inside because your wife or your husband, or your boyfriend, girlfriend, whatever is feeling. Is feeling neglected and you just don't know where to start.

Yeah. You can take the initiative and research yourself and ask questions and. Try to do it on your own. And that's going to actually mean a lot more because it comes from you. They're going to recognize, wow, this isn't his thing, her thing. And they went and put in all this effort. And even if you fall flat on your face, at least hopefully the effort will be recognized.

But what also works is that open honest conversation, right, honey, I love you. And I understand that you have this need to be romanticized. And I, I know I've told you, I don't have a romantic bone in my body, or it seems like that to you guys. He's looking me in my eyes and saying it to me, like [00:28:00] he's telling it to me.

And it's really, really hot. I might've told you that. I didn't ha didn't know how to be romantic. Keep talking that you think I don't have a romantic bone in my body very way, but underneath all this, I really just want romantic romanticize you and make you feel loved and wanted, but I don't know how to do it.

I'm intimidated. And I don't have any experience in it. And I'd like to sit down and have a conversation with you about what you like and what would make you feel good. And maybe you could walk me through some ways to do it and that way. Um, no, at first how to go about it. And eventually as I keep practicing it, it'll come from me and I'll start to learn and I'll practice it.

And then I will be romantic. She's trying, she's doing the neck thing. Like she's trying to cut me off.

so have open honest conversation, whether you're the one who wants to be romanced or whether you're the one who is. Is it the way that I'm looking at you right now, all [00:29:00] messed up right now. I know it will be doing after this episode. Oh goodness. Have that open, honest conversation. That's what's going to get you there and put in effort and hard work.

Goddammit. So I'm ready for the next question. Maybe I'll answer this one. Okay. So we have a listener and they're really struggling. So they've been in their marriage for quite awhile and their spouse has been having an affair for. Quite a few years and they just found out about it. So they're really not sure what to do.

And one of the things that they mentioned was quoting us from the last episode that a lot of people give up before the flip and they wanted to know how did it feel like for me, when I felt like giving up for that, before that flip and I didn't. And what I got to say on that is it felt like you feel.

I'm I'm going to be blunt and honest. I, you know how it feels, [00:30:00] it's that single final straw. And it's that moment of, I just can't do this anymore and I don't want to do this anymore. And, but then there's a part of me that still wants to do it. So you know what it feels like, because I feel like you felt, and I know that's not straightforward enough, but I'm relating to you in a way that you can, because I know exactly where you're at.

When you're done, you're going to know you're done when you can't do it anymore. You're going to know it's time and I'm by no means telling people to stay in marriages that hurt them consistently over several years time, without any work being put in by your partner to repair the marriage and do better.

I can tell you that. It took Sean a while, but I saw him trying, I saw him doing the work. And so I hung in just a little bit [00:31:00] longer and just a little bit longer. And there were times where. I was like, this is just taking too long and then, you know, I would wait and then he would do something outstanding and amazing and be like, okay, okay, let's see what happens.

And over time, over a course of a couple years, our marriage had just completely changed between me focusing on myself and doing my work and him focusing on himself and doing his work. It showed me that he was changing in our marriage, and that's why I hung on. If Sean was staying stagnant. And he wasn't doing the work or he was kind of like half passing the work or, you know, just kind of putting one foot in and one foot out.

I wouldn't have stayed for very much longer. I would have to say that that's a point where you're putting yourself and if you have children, your children and your spouse in an unhealthy situation. Right. And I want, I guess, Unfortunately, and it's going to be hard to [00:32:00] hear is there's not like it's not going to keep going and keep going.

Like it is like, just use the word stagnant. And then all of a sudden flip 180 degrees, there's going to be signs of change, even if they're small and there's going to be this sometimes minuscule trajectory upward. And that might be. Two steps forward. One step back, one step forward, three steps back, four steps forward.

It might be this uptown thing, but there's going to be a general, a general upturn towards change, even if it's tiny. And if it's just kind of stagnant, stagnating and things are staying as they are, especially when it drags on for years, that's when you got to step back and, and it's so hard to answer these questions because every relationship is different.

Every. Well, and there's details and relationships that we, we don't know. So we wouldn't really be able to answer. I, all I can say is that if it were me based on my relationship with you and our details and [00:33:00] situations, that's why I did it. And so I don't know if they're working on it and I don't know what the, the nitty gritty is, and I don't know the details, so it'd be really hard.

So I can only tell you from my experience with Sean. And, you know, he, he kind of acts asks me, you know, will you decided to stay with him even when he wasn't making good choices? And what was that like for you? And it's, I have to say the same thing. It was the same as what I have just said. It was hard. It was difficult.

It was painful. It was, it was. Terrifying, but I saw the changes happening and sometimes really, really slowly and sometimes really, really fast and sometimes in between. And so it was just really, again, every time I S and, and it happens every time I started to focus on him and what he was doing. I had to reverse the scope back to me.

And I, I had to start looking at myself again because my focus was me. [00:34:00] And as long as he was doing his work, it was none of my damn business, as long as he was doing him. And I was doing me and it was for the betterment of us. I needed to just stay in my own in my own wheelhouse. Right. And not mess with, with him and start dictating him that that's not my job as a wife.

And I guess that my advice. The best advice I could come up with for that person is you need to take a step back and you need to really, and this is so hard to do. It's almost impossible, but you need to try to take yourself out of yourself, take yourself out of the situation. How would do that? Cause that sounds amazing.

Some days, I don't know how to describe it. I just do it, but you gotta, you really have to look up. I'm sure. You know, the difference between objective and subjective. Well, you need to take yourself out of that and try to get an objective view of the situation. Not what other people around you think, not what your heart is telling you to do.

Not, not what your, your [00:35:00] loyalties or your history is telling you to do, but you gotta, you gotta look objectively at it and you'll know, and it might hurt, and you might not want to admit it to yourself. But you'll know. Right. Or you'll know that you're doing the right thing. Well, and you know, also in his email, he said that it seemed like when we were talking one of the points where I said, where you almost passed me up and I know what part he is talking about and what I meant to say.

So I said, he almost passed me in the dust. What I meant to say. Or he almost lost me in the dust is what I said. And what I meant to say is that you almost fell so far behind that you lost me. Cause I was going so far ahead of you that there was dust between us and you couldn't see me anymore. I was so far ahead.

So, but on that note, even though that's not what I intended to say, I will say this, Sean and I are. So much more at the same level and [00:36:00] going in the same direction now than we ever have before. And the amount of growth that he has done when you, if you measure it, it is more than me because he had, because I had so much more to do.

I love you. Well, I did a lot of mine come a long way too. I did a lot of my work before. Us many, many, many eons ago. I had done a lot of my work. So in that timeframe, yes, you did surpass me and you know what it felt like. I, it felt amazing. It was so incredibly awesome to see you do so well and do so much work.

And just to be able to sit there and cheer you on and say, yeah, go baby, go, Sean, you got this. And a sea of the person you've become it's. It's amazing. It's the same way with you. Yup. Thank you. So the [00:37:00] last question I want to touch on is he also mentioned in his email that we said not to bring children into the situation when it comes to affairs and wanted to know how we did that.

When we speak on not bringing children into the fairs, not letting them know about it and not speaking to them about it and not letting them hear your arguments. When we talk about that, we're talking about our failure because our true, our kids heard bits and pieces at times, or saw that we weren't okay with each other at times.

And even though it wasn't much, it was enough to make me regret not putting on game face for them. And so when I talk about that, that's a failure. That's a mistake that we made that we don't want other people to make. Right. And so it's next to impossible for the kids not to know something's going on. Uh, I think a big part of it and not bringing the kids in is, especially if [00:38:00] the kids are older into their pre-teens teens, even early twenties, uh, don't use the kids as confidant.

Don't talk about them as if they were your friends. Well, we had doesn't mean we didn't do any of that, but it's really important to mention, you know, don't mom doesn't need to be talking to one of the kids about how terrible dad was, and dad doesn't need to be talking to the kids about what a so-and-so mom was.

We need to be careful too, because let's say our best friend calls and we're getting lunch together for the kids or picking up the room or doing something with the kids. And we're on the phone with, you know, Our Ms. Best friend. And we're like, yeah. And, and this happened and that happened and he did this and he said that.

And then I said, and I don't know what to do. I'm so they're hearing in that conversation, even when you don't think they're listening, they're listening. Yeah. Kids are smart. Smarter than you think. Yeah. Our four year old today, we were watching football and he points out I like number 64 and 65. And I'm [00:39:00] like, you can't even count past 11 or 12 or something.

So he knows that he knew that there were numbers on the back of their jerseys. Like I'm just saying, kids will blow you away with the way they're able to put things together. Our daughter can be watching TV or on her laptop or something. And we will ask her to get up and do her chores 17 times. And she won't hear a word.

We say. But then we'll be talking quietly to each other about plans for the next week. She she'll hear her name and she'll pop her head up. Like she heard every single word of it. And she, well, what about the other day where we were whispering to each other on the other side of the room about Christmas gifts and she heard the whole thing and repeated it verbatim as if she was right there.

I was like, girl, You got some, if you can sit there and do that, how is it? You did not hear me to go feed the dog. Oh. And they hear, and even if they're too young to understand, they're going to pick up on something going on. So just try to shield them as much [00:40:00] as possible and don't use them to vent on.

Right. Okay. All right. I think that is our wrap it up with the boat episode right there. Big old bow on that thing. So. Season two is coming in a week. We're closing out season one. I'm very excited to move on to the next level of this podcast. Yeah, we're going to come out hard in 2021, guys. I do. I really want to say this though.

We may not know you. We have no idea what your name is, and we wouldn't be able to identify you for the most part, if we saw you in person and we don't even know you listen. And yet I will tell you that Sean and I genuinely care about each and every one of you. And we want you guys to succeed so much and we are so thankful and so grateful to have you as a part of our life in this way, and be able to.

Offer, if [00:41:00] anything to you at all. So we really, really do want you to know that we appreciate you so very much. And thank you for being a part of this podcast and this community. Yeah. Seriously. It's. Especially the last couple months, the second half of season one, it's been off the hook and you know, we really do care.

And I know that sounds so cliche, but we really do. We don't get paid for any of this and we both have busy lives, but we love to do this. And it keeps us focused on where we needed to be in our marriage. And like nothing gets us more than hearing those stories and hearing back from you guys that you listened and you loved the show that we helped in any little way.

And it's. So they have a saying in, in a certain, uh, a certain program for addiction that, uh, you can only keep what you have by giving it away. And so this is our way of paying it forward, keeping what we have, keeping it in our [00:42:00] minds, making, living amends for the wrongs we've done to each other and genuinely not wanting you to make those same mistakes.

Right, right. Yeah. So season two, season two, we've mentioned some really great guests. We do have a lot of good guests lined up and we're interviewing a couple more. Uh, we have, so we have our workshop going on and I know we said we wouldn't mention it because we've been talking a lot about it, but, and it filled up so fast and thank you to everybody who signed up and we're so excited you guys, and a reminder to everybody that.

The first podcast of each of the first four months of the year is going to be on the topic of. That month for the workshop. So make sure if you're sending it for the workshop, it's, it's imperative that you listen to week one of each month. So, and even if you're not, it's still going to be a really good episode filled with great information.

So you don't have to be doing the workshop to hear [00:43:00] the episode, to get what we're talking about. It's right. It's pretty awesome. Maybe it'll jazz you up to take the workshop again when we offer it. And we've got some really good topics in that workshop. Yeah. Honesty, intentionality, admiration, and expectations.

Yeah. So there's a couple of teasers for episode topics. We're going to dive back into the CD world of pornography, but we won't talk about poop porn masturbation. Ooh. And let's ask more. Yeah. That's going to be awesome. It is. I'm very excited. So thank you. Bearing with us for the last three weeks of the year.

Leading up to this, we know it was really hard, but there were people who really needed that. Yeah. Really important. And like we say, all the time, it takes hard work. Go onto our website. If you're not signed up for the newsletter, read my article about hard work, read Jessica's article about new year's resolutions and how to make them successful.

And trust me, this is not your everyday blog. You know, [00:44:00] one, two, three, do this. Like I, I gave you guys some good stuff and read both because I think both, I think go, they actually ties in with yours. It's so cool because we didn't intentionally do that yet. They do very much like, so we write art, we talk a little bit about what the topics are going to be for each of our blogs during the week.

But usually it's like on Sunday we come to each other and we're like, Here's what I wrote about, what did you write about? And here read mine and I edit all the contents. So she's like here, read this and edit it. And I'm like, Oh my God, this is what I was going to write about. So it was pretty cool. It worked out pretty.

Yeah, it did. It did. So check that out. So we are going to end 20, 20, 20, 20. We're not ending 2021 yet. We haven't even got there. I kind of wish we could, because then that means we can just like jump ahead the rest of COVID stuff, but yeah, by, by 2020, not sorry to see, or. Are sorry to see you go not sorry to see you.

Go. Sorry to see it go. Oh my gosh. Terrible year. Hated it. [00:45:00] Don't forget to subscribe and rate us. Visit us on Facebook at confident marriage Twitter. See Marin show and Instagram at. Confident marriage, our website, www.theconfidentmarriage.com. You can hear our podcast on any of the ops. Uh, the podcast apps just search her name.

And if you go onto that website, www.theconfidentmarriage.com and sign up for our amazing newsletter. You would know what we're talking about when we talk about our articles and you would be listening to this podcast on. What Sunday, Sunday night or Monday morning instead of Tuesday. Great. All right, everybody have a very safe and happy new year.

We will see you guys in 2021. Thank you. Have a great new year. Be safe, and we'll see you next year. [00:46:00]